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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

429 replies

upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 17:08

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

OP posts:
TragedyHands · 18/11/2020 20:58

Why say anything to anybody, it's none of your business.
How do you know it was your Dad's child, could have been someone elses and they were prepared to call it his.
Take it from one seriously harmed by this stuff, keep trunky out.

saraclara · 18/11/2020 20:59

what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open?

That vanishingly small minority of posters you mean? Why are you focusing on them, rather than the huge majority who think that you would be invading your parents' privacy and disrespecting the clear fact that they've chosen how much they want you to know, and if they'd wanted you to know the other details they'd have done so.

You keep saying that you're very open with each other. That underlines to me that they've very much decided how much they want to tell you and are sticking to that. Otherwise they'd have told you by now.

Drop it. It's not about you.

RaspberryCoulis · 18/11/2020 21:03

It's harsh to say it's none of the OP's business and not "all about her".

This child was her sibling and OP has the right to find out about him/her and give him/her their rightful spot on her tree. That is very much her business.

The line is crossed though OP when you tackle it with your Mum, who has made it clear in not so many words that she doesn't want to talk about it. All the stuff other people are posting about their mums wanting to talk, or their gran opening up after decades is (to put it politely) completely irrelevant. OP's mum has decided that she doesn't want to talk about it, and that's her choice to make however tough it is for other people.

RouxLou81 · 18/11/2020 21:03

I think you need to reflect on what you would be seeking by bringing it up. What outcome are you after? Is it necessary that we all know every detail of each others lives?

You sound like you have a positive relationship with your family and this in reality changes none of that. Our parents live lives of their own before we come along. We don't really have permission to be delve into their past unless invited.

Constance1 · 18/11/2020 21:04

Those saying you can't empathise...what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open? That is all I am thinking here. That it's a hard subject to bring up, that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort

The tiny minority of posters OP, who say it might have helped THEM. If your mother wanted your help or sympathy over this it would have happened a long time ago.

Mydogmylife · 18/11/2020 21:05

@upbowcreek

Also, once again, not being selfish. Not making it all about me. When I say it "doesn't sit right", I just mean I feel troubled about the right way to handle it. I'm only human. Would all of you people calling me cruel just know 100% and immediately the right course of action or would you need to process it to reach the right answer? I only found out today!

Those saying you can't empathise...what about the posters who have said it might be a relief to have it in the open? That is all I am thinking here. That it's a hard subject to bring up, that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort.

But hey, call me selfish and all your other insults if it makes you feel like the bigger person.

Once again, thank you to all the posters who have weighed in with considered opinions without judgement or criticism. I just came here for advice - I haven't said what I intend to do either way. Your opinions and experiences are all very helpful in guiding me through this decision.

Op, out of all the posts on this thread you seem to be picking out the small minority encouraging you to open this can of worms. Please be very careful before you bash on questioning your mum on a personal tragedy that happened so many years ago, as I sense you are determined to go ahead. Why you would want to open old wounds in this way I truly cannot imagine. She's told you about it, not kept it secret, just not gone into the detail you seem to think you deserve - you don't ! It's her decision not to open up further - respect it
RainbowsStarsAllAround · 18/11/2020 21:06

@DisneyMillie

I did interpret it as a little judgemental of my choice not to say anything to my children but I guess everyone is allowed an opinion on the right way to do things.

To OP given you’ve clarified the baby lived a short while I’d say it’s even more reason not to mention it - it must be such a painful memory for your parents and if they wanted to share they would have done when you miscarried / at another time.

I also had four miscarriages before being very lucky to go on to have two children. There isn't a right or wrong way to deal with it. I don't think I'm going to tell my children, but it wouldn't be wrong if someone decided to. Grief is so personal, and it is a personal choice to share it. It isn't so painful for me to talk about now, it's just I wouldn't want to worry them. This is particular to my own situation, I was always very aware of my own families losses but I was a child and wasn't able to put it into the context that it (multiple losses) doesn't happen to everyone and is unusual.

OP, if you do raise the issue, please be very gentle and say that you understand if they don't want to talk about it. Some people will want to, others will not. It must have been so painful for them, I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a baby later in pregnancy or shortly after birth. I think you are getting some harsh replies and I don't think you are meaning to hurt your family. It may be that they would like to talk about it, or they may not want to and you will need to respect that.

WindblowingSW · 18/11/2020 21:07

@upbowcreek

To clarify, the early on comment was about the pregnancy not the marriage. It was said in the context of my own miscarriage so I am sure about that.
Has it EVER occurred to you -that she might have have more then one loss?

Maybe a m/c and a still birth -or a child that died after a few days? Open your mind. And think of others not yourself.

This is not your child. You don't get to play the trump card of how "it makes you feel".

I will never forgive my ex MIL for sobbing about her "lost grandchild" in a melodramatic way after my loss at 12 weeks -and organising counselling for herself to come to terms with "her grief" -bugger me by the way. For your mother -this is her private life and it is HER life -not yours. No counselling 40 years ago for either of them. Maybe your mother was extremely ill at the time etc -let her grief lie.

1Morewineplease · 18/11/2020 21:07

[quote upbowcreek]@papertowels

Did you mean to be do horrible?
My intentions are good.
Nothing to do with playing gotcha.
I love my parents and would not want to hurt them. I just feel dishonest by not telling them I know this. Like spying as I said in a pp.
I am not trying to drag them over the coals on terminology they used.
Wow, unbelievable.
You know you can choose tonight reply instead of being so mean. Fine to disagree but do it in a decent way for goodness sake. You don't even know me so how dare you assume my intentions to be anything other than what I have said?[/quote]
I don't believe for one minute that @PaperTowels was being horrible... just being honest.

Do you really want to rake over the fact that your mum had a late miscarriage?
What would you achieve by bringing this up? I appreciate that you'd like some acknowledgment but you must respect that she doesn't want to talk about this.

My mum had a late miscarriage over 50 years ago. I never speak about it. She hasn't spoken about it since I was a little child.
Sometimes you need to leave the past where the actual participants want it to rest.

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 21:09

It's worse than a late miscarriage. The baby lived, briefly.

Storyoftonight · 18/11/2020 21:10

@upbowcreek

To clarify one more time: it was not a stillbirth. The baby lived a matter of hours. There was a death certificate. My name is unusual. I ordered the death certificate not knowing it was my sibling.
What? I thought you said it was third trimester?
HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 18/11/2020 21:11

A baby can be born live in the third semester...

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 21:12

Well done OP, you've really drip-fed everyone.

You first implied that your parents had never told you about their previous baby.
Then you said your mother had told you about the baby, but that she had said it was an "early" loss.
Then you tell us that the baby was actually born and lived, briefly.

If you'd said all that at the beginning, I reckon you'd have got an even stronger response from people.

Storyoftonight · 18/11/2020 21:14

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

A baby can be born live in the third semester...
I get that , but OP didn't suggest that at any point.
DeeCeeCherry · 18/11/2020 21:14

That's a bit harsh. Of course it's not like catching them on a gotcha. It's just that we otherwise have an open and honest relationship, and the idea of them not knowing that I know feels wrong somehow. Almost like spying

Actually it does sound 'gotcha' , it's the way you've written it. Not as if you feel bad them not knowing that you know. More so that you want to take them to task on it, or hurt them.

Lots of us lost siblings before we were even born. My DB passed at 18 months, before I was born. I wouldn't dream of wanting a conversation about it (I only found out via another relative mentioning it all, she hadn't realised I didn't know) as I just don't want to stir up distress in a mother/parents who've been bereaved.

It's a pretty common situation, miscarriages or early childhood deaths. I'd stop ruminating and just leave well alone. If you like your parents that is, obviously you may not

DeeCeeCherry · 18/11/2020 21:15

Open and 'honest' relationship - As if they've been 'dishonest' in not telling you....

MRC20 · 18/11/2020 21:17

Why on earth would you dredge this up for them?? There's obviously a reason they haven't discussed it with you, it's probably too upsetting FFS. If it was in the third trimester they had a stillborn birth, not a miscarriage.

RoseGoldEagle · 18/11/2020 21:22

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived

Well yes, this is perfectly possible. I wouldn’t have had DD if I hadn’t miscarried the baby I was carrying before her, as the timings wouldn’t have worked. Realistically I probably wouldn’t have had DS or DD2 either, so would have had three completely different children. Who I would of course also have completely adored. Millions of people have miscarriages, it’s heartbreaking, but thinking if the ‘what ifs’ is pointless. Agree with the majority- it’s your parents business to bring up if they want to. It’s fine to not know absolutely everything about people you love. Normal even. Let it go.

Crankley · 18/11/2020 21:25

I can only agree with the vast majority who have said it would be wrong of you to speak to your DM about it. If, whilst searching the family tree you had found a long lost relative, I'm sure your parents would love to hear all about it but this is different.

I don't know what you think you will get out of raising it with your DM and the result may be that you cause her pain to recall that event. If you have any affection for her at all, why would you do that?

Why is your inquisitiveness more important than your Mother's happiness?

Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:25

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

OP posts:
Fcuk38 · 18/11/2020 21:26

You almost sound resentful towards your parents because if the baby hadn’t died they would have had you?! So what? The baby died and they did have you ... so why do you sound bitter about it?!

PurpleDaisies · 18/11/2020 21:26

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

You mean people didn’t agree with you.

You can’t have a thread pulled just because you didn’t like how it went.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2020 21:27

@upbowcreek

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

Trying to help you do the right thing.
Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:28

Not bitter. Jeez. How many times do I have to make that plain? Enough.

OP posts:
Sleazeyjet · 18/11/2020 21:30

@upbowcreek

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

Oh the irony.
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