To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

This was their loss, not yours. Take time to process it by all means, but why take the chance of causing further hurt? You weren't yet born and it's unfair to pull them up on what you personally think of a "what if?" scenario.

Hi OP
My parents lost a baby before me, it was a stillbirth.
My mum occasionally mentions it but gets too upset to talk about.
It's too painful for them, I think because the aftercare for people who went like that was awful at the time. There was no cuddles with the baby, no goodbyes, no funeral, people were not encouraged to name the baby or take pictures or talk about it or have any keepsakes and there was no counselling. So I think they never really came to terms with it all.
I'd leave it alone

@keeprocking

If the OP is in her 40s then her parents must be in their 60s/70s and are of a generation in which the constant 'talk talk talk' about one's life, feelings etc just didn't happen, people were far more private than today. Parents would not necessarily feel the need to tell all to their children everything that's ever happened to them, that's just how it was and I for one prefer that! When looking into one's family history all kinds of surprises can rear their ugly heads, it's a good idea to have some idea before starting how you would handle them. Personally, I wish my MIL were still alive, we've found so much about her supposedly sainly mother!!

This. The first rule of family history is to keep schtum about your discoveries about living people and things that impact living people, even if you think these are minor issues and/or something that should be brought out in the open.

For instance, it might be a mildly interesting historical fact to me (and answer some questions that have puzzled me) that my grandmother was pregnant, with a son who was later stillborn, when she married my grandfather (she from a prosperous family, he a poor widower in bad health more than twenty years older, with two sons, and looking for a housekeeper), but to my mother it would be horror and shame to have someone suggest out loud that her mother was probably pregnant by someone else, and the marriage arranged to conceal it. My mother knows what happened, but it would hurt her to have it put into words.

I’ve found out all kinds of other things from researching even a very minor bit of family history, and lots of what I’ve found contradicts family ‘tradition’ or what people would prefer to believe. There is absolutely no benefit to anyone in discussing it.

I love my parents and would not want to hurt them. I just feel dishonest by not telling them I know this. Like spying as I said in a pp.

You did know. You've known for over 25 years, when your sister told you. And then your mother confirmed it. Your parents know that you know because your mother told you. There's no dishonesty.

Like everyone else, I'd leave this one be.

@Newfornow

Your parents are entitled to a private life.

Sums it up neatly.

OP - I've lost babies and it was awful. But it's part of my family's story. I talk to my children about it to normalise it and so they're not forgotten.

In your shoes I would tell your mum that in your research you found your sibling's birth certificate & ask if you could ask her some questions or if she'd prefer not to talk about it. That way you're giving her the chance to say no, that she finds it too hard, etc

Good luck

Their pregnancy and baby loss is private and between them and doesn’t concern you at all, unless they choose to share it. I don’t know why you would rake up something that they’ve clearly and deliberately decided they don’t want you involved with.

I am in a similar position @upbowcreek
I mentioned it to my parents and they went full denial- it actually made me feel a lot worse.

that perhaps they might appreciate their baby being acknowledged, that it might bring some comfort

They no doubt acknowledge their baby themselves in the way they want to. That doesn't include telling you. Many years ago somebody contacted me on not the at all recent anniversary of a loss to say they were thinking about me, it wasn't the right thing to do at all and made the day much harder as actually I was getting on with my day.

We lost my sister when she was a couple of days old, I was around 4. My mum talks about her now and then again. This was in the 80s and women were just expected to get on with it. I don't think I understood anything when they told me. It still feels like a loss, even though I have brothers and sisters.

My dad told me and my sister that my mum had lost a late pregnancy when we were young. When I had a molar pregnancy she said it was hard to go through loss, but that was it. She didn't want to say more so I didn't ask. It's a very personal experience.

@upbowcreek

To clarify one more time: it was not a stillbirth. The baby lived a matter of hours. There was a death certificate. My name is unusual. I ordered the death certificate not knowing it was my sibling.

The opinion on here is pretty much universal that you don't mention it. What are your thoughts about that now?

OP I am genuinely shocked at so many of these comments. Unnecessary and unfair especially as they don't know you.

I'm with you.. I would want to know but if when broaching it it got too much for your parents I would let it be.

Good luck x

OP I get that it would feel weird to have received more knowledge from a third party about what happened, rather than that full knowledge from your DPs. Especially if you have always been close to them.

But think about it, we ALL have things we don't discuss with our kids. Our sex lives for one thing! Adolescent misdemeanors too. I bet there is lots your DPs don't know about you, when you really think about it.

That doesn't mean you haven't been open and honest with them, it's just that you know some things would hurt them to know about you. And probably the same for them with you.

With this particular instance, it does seem that your DPs don't want to talk about it. If they did, you would have known about your sibling probably earlier than you did. They obviously have disclosed what they feel happy to disclose.

As you have an hinest and open relationship with your parents, the fact that they haven't told you the details, when they obviously know that they could if they wished, speaks volumes. It is obviously too painful for them.

Yes, it may feel odd to have to keep what you know a secret. But love is sometimes about doing exactly that. It isn't always about getting things out in the open and above board. Not if your DPs don't want that. And they don't or you would already have been told the details.

Sometimes, love is bearing a secret to avoid hurting others. In this scenario, I truly think that's what you should do.

@keeprocking

If the OP is in her 40s then her parents must be in their 60s/70s and are of a generation in which the constant 'talk talk talk' about one's life, feelings etc just didn't happen, people were far more private than today. Parents would not necessarily feel the need to tell all to their children everything that's ever happened to them, that's just how it was and I for one prefer that! When looking into one's family history all kinds of surprises can rear their ugly heads, it's a good idea to have some idea before starting how you would handle them. Personally, I wish my MIL were still alive, we've found so much about her supposedly sainly mother!!

Yes!

@keeprocking is spot on. We are obsessed nowadays with everyone needing to 'talk'. Years ago that was just not how people coped. Life was tough. Sadly infant loss was all too common. Miscarriages probably went largely undetected or were just 'one of those things'. I think we value children and pregnancy (thank goodness) more now. Years ago people had 10 or 12 kids because they were a by product of sex. I think the late miscarriage would have been a very personal grief for your mum as it would any woman regardless of the generation but I should imagine she has grieved and grown in her own way and would likely find today's way of dealing with things a little alien. Regurgitating pain. Talking isn't for everyone. I don't like talking about or regurgitating my past painful experiences. It's just not my way of dealing with things and I'm an 80s child.

@NewMumSoon1

OP I am genuinely shocked at so many of these comments. Unnecessary and unfair especially as they don't know you.

I'm with you.. I would want to know but if when broaching it it got too much for your parents I would let it be.

Good luck x

Know what? What more is there to know? Op knows what happened. Why poke it with a shitty stick?

[quote upbowcreek]@longwigglylines THANK YOU fo taking the time to post that. Feeling very sad and horrible now and that has given me a lift. I thought this was a place for people to support each other. Will not be on AIBU again and probably not MN either. Had not realised there were so many bullies on here with such twisted ideas.[/quote]
Every single post makes you sound worse and worse.
Your poor mother I'm not surprised she hasn't discussed it with you.
For once, put someone before yourself and dont say a word. I have thought and thought about this and I cannot think of any reason for you to drag it up. Its not your story and not everything is about you.
I know you will ask her though, getting an explanation and chapter and verse on her loss is clearly more important to you than her happiness and well being.

Your parents chose not to discuss it with you for 40+ years; presumably it's painful for them. Why would you disrespect their choice?
What good would bringing it up do - but upset your elderly parents?

I agree with your DH, although I wouldn't necessarily describe it as a 'pretence', just something they consider private.

You 'want to be open with them' - well guess what, it's not all about you, don't be so bloody selfish and entitled - unless of course you do want them to wish they'd not bothered having you.

Gosh OP you're getting a hard time here. I couldn't read and run but I wish you all the best! Not sure why people are being nasty on here, it is MN after all, these people would never talk like they are if you met them in person thats for sure.
Again all the best!

@25CC12939 Thank you. Crying my eyes out here. I was just looking for advice. I'm not a horrible person. People here have made me feel awful.

Ignore the people being unkind. I would feel the same as you, but even if the answer was “leave it lie” there was absolutely no reason to spuriously question your motives or be unkind. Get some sleep.

It seems to be creating drama for no reason. It's for you not them. Leave it be.

Bit confused OP. Your opening post states that your parents list a baby in the third trimester. The. You say it died a few hours old. That's not the third trimester. Anyway...you seem to be making a big deal out of them not knowing you know but they DO know. They TOLD you that they list a baby 'early on'. A few hours old is early on. And your sister knows so it hardly sounds like a big secret. You aren't really making sense. Just leave it alone. No one is having a problem with this but you.