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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

399 replies

NameChangeMillionthTime · 18/11/2020 09:24

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

OP posts:
Whenwillow · 18/11/2020 10:29

I wouldn't invite them anymore. Or my mil for that matter.

Hersetta427 · 18/11/2020 10:30

Of course you don't buy for him - do you really think he will bring a gift for you?. Feeding and watering them is enough and I wouldn't buy for your SIL either.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 18/11/2020 10:30

Just tel them you cooking etc is their present this year.

AiryFairyMum · 18/11/2020 10:30

"We aren't doing presents this year so please don't buy for us". It's been an unusual year, so make it an unusual Christmas.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 18/11/2020 10:31

I just voted YABU. You are very unreasonable to put up with this shit for any length of time, let alone years!! Why are you buying presents for people who are so unkind and ungrateful? You're already hosting and providing all the food & drink etc. that's present enough for them. Give your head a wobble, have some self-respect and stop this nonsense from now on. No presents, no apologies. It's ridiculous.

Cocomarine · 18/11/2020 10:34

Im one of the minority voting YABU - for the same reason as a PP - this is your fault. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Set your budget for Xmas - with your husband. Include a reasonable amount for her, because buying a SIL a present isn’t in itself unreasonable.

If her request fits your budget: yay!
If it doesn’t, then tell your husband to choose her something which is in budget. Then walk away.

That emailed list? Forward it - with her in copy, “thanks for the ideas SIL - husband, there you go.”

Also reply, “we’re not bothered about presents, but contributions to the meal would be good please - I’ll put you down for 2 bottles of red.”

Personally, I’d include her boyfriend in the present giving with a good grace, if you’re hosting him. But it would be a bottle of wine type gift.

If your husband causes you problems, well... I’d show him the budget and ask whether he’s cutting the food quality, or quantity, or his children’s present for his sister’s.

If you can actually afford her request and it’s the princess nature that annoys you - is just let it go (on the proviso that your husband deals with it).

If you can’t afford it and your husband doesn’t back you - and expects you to shop for it - then I honestly would be reconsidering my marriage.

You need to say no.

JackAndJillsBucket · 18/11/2020 10:35

The only person who can stop this, OP, is you.

Put a stop to it.

If DH or she questions it, just explain that you don't want to continue doing christmas like you have been for years, and that's YOUR right to choose.

many other people wouldn't have put up with this dynamic for long - e included.

it's not reasonable.

so, control the 1 person you can control.

yourself.

don't be complicit then get quietly frustrated.

opt out.

00100001 · 18/11/2020 10:36

Definitely DHs problem from now on

usernotfound0000 · 18/11/2020 10:38

Nope. Time to take a stand. Once married, I made it clear to DH that I wouldn't be taking on 'wife work' and buying presents for his side. If it means they don't get presents, then so be it, they know which direction to point their disappointment or anger.

RuthTopp · 18/11/2020 10:38

Start a new tradition. Boxing Day you go out to your local beauty spot / wood for a walk , and then soup and rolls when you get back. They are welcome to attend , but hopefully will decline.

unlikelytobe · 18/11/2020 10:39

Stop pandering to them, for crying out loud. Stop presents for adults other than maybe a £5 Secret Santa type thing or buy SIL an Oxfam goat! Stop inviting them for Xmas if you dislike it so much. They should be contributing to the expense of you hosting!

LemmysAceCard · 18/11/2020 10:40

Please dont buy any of them an presents OP, even if you email SIL first to say no presents this year, and stick to it.

They are taking the piss out of you.

Hadalifeonce · 18/11/2020 10:41

We have done only DC get presents at Christmas for quite a few years now. We agreed that if the adults were together on Christmas day we would buy jokey presents up to a tenner. Any other day nothing for adults.

Mintjulia · 18/11/2020 10:41

Gifts are voluntary. And they are you dp's responsibility, not yours

Nottherealslimshady · 18/11/2020 10:42

Do you buy presents aswell as DH or do you buy the presents from you and DH.

Either way, stop buying them presents! What's DH gonna do, drag you to the shop himself?

Say "oh I thought you weren't bothered about presents since you never buy me anything"

LagneyandCasey · 18/11/2020 10:43

I think I'd be deveoping a cough a few days before Christmas, just enough time for them to buy their own food. Covid has it's uses after all.

GU24Mum · 18/11/2020 10:43

Given that it causes arguments, I think you're going to have to be the one to take the first steps. Some of the suggestions are tempting but in reality will cause family rifts that you may want to save for another year......

I've also got some sympathy if it's an "only buy for the children" if your SIL doesn't have any.

SO, what I'd do is start a discussion with SIL and ooze the sweetest, sunniest tone you can muster (!) and say that you don't want her to feel that she has to buy for the children when she doesn't have any any of course you wouldn't expect her to buy for you all as that would be far too many presents.......... so let's agree a budget per family and then you can all share present ideas. It would be hard for her then to say that you're being unreasonable and once you have the budget and a list, you can decide whether you'll buy the presents or give the list to OH. That way no-one can say that you are being unreasonable as you will have sounded lovely and fair!

The hosting is slightly different but probably easier not to confuse it with the present question. If no-one contributes and that bothers you then raise it. Again perhaps very sweetly say that this Christmas you'd like to make sure it's a really special meal so why don't you do the main course etc but would MIL/SIL like to bring the [drinks/pudding/crackers] etc so that everyone has a really lovely day....!!!!

Dashel · 18/11/2020 10:44

The trouble with leaving this entirely to DH is if he is the sort to order expensive gifts online for them and throws more money at the issue rather than dealing with it like an adult. I think you need to stand together on this.

After all the money spent on these gifts comes from the total amount of family money available.

HappyDays10101 · 18/11/2020 10:44

When I was married it wouldn't have occurred to me to buy my in laws gifts. That meant they often didn't get stuff as my ex was crap at this sort of thing. A few eyebrows were raised at first, but they got over it.

I can well imagine how this sort of thing could ruin Christmas for you - the only way that will change is if you make it change.

timeforanewstart · 18/11/2020 10:44

Senc her a text message on reply to hers saying ok and this is what the dc would like for xmas , pr if you would prefer we can just do token gifts

CannibalQueen · 18/11/2020 10:45

This year, let Covid be your friend. Self isolate the week before and the week after. Tell them to make other arrangements.

Cocomarine · 18/11/2020 10:45

Given that they don’t actually give you a present...

I think it would be quite fun to just act dumb. Don’t give a present. Wait for them to actually ask for theirs. Look light heartedly embarrassed and say, “oh my this is awkward! I thought we weren’t doing adult presents, so I didn’t get you one - and yet you got me one? Oh I don’t know whether I should open it now - seems a little unfair?”

Make them admit they haven’t got you anything...

MrsGulDukat · 18/11/2020 10:45

Go to Boots, take advantage for their 3 for 2, cheap and nasty for them two and something nice for you.

What I'd do is not fucking bother. If people cant show gratefulness and show extreme grabbiness, then the spoil, greedy fuckers get nothing.

frazzledasarock · 18/11/2020 10:46

Hand it over to your DH.

When she sends you her list smile and say I'll forward it to your brother, he's taking care of his side from now on. Repeat to MIL, if she goes off on one, tell her to speak to her son. and stick to it forever more.

Why on earth are you putting yourself out for a woman who's not nice to your or yours? And who gives a shit if your MIL goes off on one. You can justify the tantrums for not hosting them next year and having a calm relaxing boxing day instead.

Poppystars · 18/11/2020 10:46

As you hand over presents for the children loudly exclaim “Happy Christmas - children only from us this year, following your lead of not giving us, as adults, as gifts - thought that would make you happy!”

Make it clear that they do not give, they do not receive. Enjoy the quality time with those you love, not gifts etc