I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

Uninvite the lot. Use Covid as an excuse.

Leave it to DH. If he doesn't get her anything, then its on him.

"Oh no present?"
"DH was supposed to sort that as he's your brother, sorry!"

Or yeah just call her out and say we aren't doing adult gifts this year like the rest of the family don't seem to.

Ignore MIL. DH should have words if she says anything inappropriate.

None of this on you. Put it on the DH.

I voted YABU (even though you’re not) as you’re the only person who can change this. Either stop buying presents (or buy what you want eg. the smellies) or continue the dynamic and we’ll see you again next year. I hope you choose the former OP

YABU for ever putting up with this!

She sounds about 15 not 50!

Yeah, when you get the links, just send a load back for comparably priced items and say 'come on, this is ridiculous, we're all grown ups, lets just do our own shopping from now on' and tell them it's someone else's turn to host this year, as you've more than done your share.

Regardless her expectations - why is it your job to buy for her?

Stop doing it. Grit your teeth and get through the tantrums (hers and your husband's)

This will carry on until you stop doing it.

Buy a box of chocs and if anyone says anything say “I don’t see a present for me”

I can't quite believe what I've just read. Firstly, why are you buying them anything when they don't get you anything?! Secondly, the woman is 50...50!! Surely she can buy herself a few treats for Christmas! Do not put up with this. It is beyond ridiculous.

Last year we agreed to only buy presents for the children in the family, that was very liberating. I’ve never been bothered about receiving presents anyway. (I can never think of something I would like to have, which has frustrated my family in the past.)

Seriously, leave this to your DH. If your MIL complains, tell her to take it up with her DS.

I would reply to her request with one of your own. Link to something lovely that you woukd like at the same price as whatever gift she wanted. Then when you’re told off by your MIL you can point out that SIL Everyone else can have a tin of biscuits and be grateful for it.

Also, you won’t be able to have everyone this year because of the rule of six. Time to make some long overdue changes?

I'd send a message saying that you hosting the meal will be their present.

Get your DH to set MIL a budget and get her to do the legwork since she's the one that's driving this nonsense. That way mil cant bitch about the quality of the present, your DH gets the earache about it, and you can sit back in a comfy chair with a sherry.

I'm normally on the side of 'this is your DHs problem' but in this instance mil has made it her problem by being a nob

@RJnomore1

Uninvite the lot. Use Covid as an excuse.

Op shouldn't need a sodding excuse!

OK OP here goes....a quick email to SIL ..Hello xxxx I am taking a leaf out of your book this year as I have always admired how super organised you are at christmas... as you always know so readily what you would like and how thoughtfully you let me know well in advance.So this year I would like ( list 3 semi outragous things) for myself. Cant wait to see you ..all my love xxx. Play her at her own game OP....or failing that do what I am doing this year...It is my experimental christmas and I will tell you why...I always have the same or similar to you only this involves 17 people and expected/demanded presents...so this year I am doing sod all not one single thing.I am blaming Covid 19 for this ..now this will go one of two ways and I am ready for both!!!! I am saying I amnot doing xmas gifts this year as I wont get to see you all...now this will either set a presedence ot there will be as suspected uproar...I win either way as I am NOT driving myself insane for ungrateful demanding bastards who wouldnt pee on me if I was on fire ..they will have to cope with the strangeness of this year....if nothing is said (highly doubtful)then I shall just carry on and use this year as the new normal regarding gifts going forward for next year.I am not playing any of their games anymore I just am not skinting myself to the tune of hundreds family or not for a chocolate orange in return aint happening anymore and its taken me 10 years to get to this point....use covid as your excuse and put a stop to it ..if they dont like it then it says far more about them being grabby than it ever could about you OP.....I feel for you cos I was /am you but no more not anymore will I drive myself to the point of distraction for their pleasure when I am not even on their radar except for what they can get out of me...no more!!!

Only you can put a stop to this. Say to your DH, I think we should stop buying presents for adults from now on… If he disagrees, say well I have too much on so from now on you buy for your family. If he actually does buy the gift – and I’ll put money on him agreeing not to buy for adults anymore – and there is fallout, just brush it away and say, oh that is DH’s thing now, speak to him about it. Any complaints, just bat it back to him. They are taking you for granted, walking all over you, and taking massive advantage too. Don’t let people treat you this way! What lesson are you teaching your children? That you have to do things you don’t want to, to make others happy, at the expense of your own happiness and mental health? I say this as a former people pleaser, whose mother would put herself out repeatedly for others, got nothing back in return, and then annoyed the hell out of me by whining and complaining about how underappreciated she was. I’m not trying to be mean, I really do want you to realise that you will be much happier telling them where to go. What’s the worst that will happen? They complain that they don’t like their present? They’ll stop wanting to come? Would that really be the worst thing?

We do Secret Santa, although even that is getting ridiculous now and we've opted out this year. We used to only buy for the adults who bought our children gifts and who didn't have children themselves - if they have children we buy for the children.

Just say now that you are doing token/secret santa gifts for all adults with a limit of £10 or £20.

She is a grown up, she can be her own father christmas.

@FlumpetCrumpet

Get your DH to set MIL a budget and get her to do the legwork since she's the one that's driving this nonsense. That way mil cant bitch about the quality of the present, your DH gets the earache about it, and you can sit back in a comfy chair with a sherry.

I'm normally on the side of 'this is your DHs problem' but in this instance mil has made it her problem by being a nob

Why should OP have to buy her SIL a present when she doesn't buy her anything? This woman is 50 years old! Almost elderly! Absolute madness

This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking

It’s boxing day. Do not spend hours cooking.

Cheap and cheerful is the way forward. Maybe make a lasagne now and freeze it, to get out for Boxing Day? Ask SIL to bring drinks and MIL to bring dessert. Make it very clear that things are changing.

I'd be more likely to buy for her boyfriend than for her! You absolutely should not buy her a present and if they say something point out that they don't get you anything either. What the hell is their defence?

Well there’s a really very simple solution to this?!

OP - you sound very kind - but you’re martyring yourself slightly. Instead of ranting and no doubt feeling sorry for yourself every year, change the situation.

You’re an adult. If you don’t want to buy another adult a gift don’t. You have autonomy and you have the power to end this.

She’ll strop and then it’s over. Forever. If she texts you, why don’t you say her brother is now dealing and not you.

If you’re MIL has issues you can’t control that. It’s out of your hands you can’t change it so stop wasting your time pandering. If she complains, why not say her son is now dealing and not you.

If your DH wants to get them a gift then he can? That’s down to him it’s his family not down to you? Tell him so and that you opt-out from now on.

Don’t buy for either and if they (or anyone) asks why or acts hard done by, ask them where is your gift from them- and that you haven’t received a present from your SIL in years so you assumed you weren’t exchanging presents.
And also tell your DH if he’s that fussed to sort it out himself!

You are a total doormat. That's why people walk all over you. But you actually let them...

Covid is a perfect excuse to yell them, you DH and child are having Christmas on your own this year.

That you are just doing cards and presents for the small people

If DH complains he can either go to his mother's or shop, prep and cook