I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

@PurpleDaisies

It's daft to be annoyed that children don't buy you matchmakers- you buy gifts because you want to.

I’m not annoyed with the kids-I wouldn’t expect them to buy for me. I’m not really annoyed with the parents but there’s never any acknowledgment of the imbalance.

I’m absolutely not saying I will be stopping buying for nieces, nephews and god children. Just that it grated when “just buy for kids” is trotted out without any thought that there’s often a family without them.

I'm with you on that @PurpleDaisies.

Sorry OP but you are being a martyr to these rude idiots. You certainly don't need to buy them anything, and in fact I wouldn't even be cooking for them. If they do come for lunch, be sure to tell them that it's their turn next year - and stick to it. This kind of twat gets away with crap behaviour because people let them.

If they are transactional the best thing to do is a sham present exchange’ where you buy and wrap their present to your dc, and they do the same for themselves. You just possibly write and exchange the labels to put on. Totally pointless but avoids them filling your house with unwanted rubbish and they can get and spend what they like on themselves

I wouldn't bother anymore and your mil sounds rude and ungrateful as well

You are completely mad? I wouldn’t give the feckers the steam off my pi**.
Apologies for being rude but this takes the biscuit!, 😡😡

You’re enabling this!!! It’s your choice to run about buying gifts. Stop it. Text everyone saying you’re looking forward to doing the Xmas meal for everyone and celebrating but planning to leave the gift buying for in laws to DH

I refuse to buy for my IN laws or get involved. So much less stress

Just stop doing it. Let them kick off, let them rant, let them act like children. There is no wining with these types of people.

Put yourself and family first!

I feel sorry for the OP but I don’t understand why her DH lets his family get away with this

You could refuse the list of what they want and tell them you already did your shopping and got them something nice that you think they might enjoy. (My mom always did her shopping in the summer) it's Christmas and Ignore if they don't like it.

As the boyfriend, I always made sure there is a little simple gift for unexpected guests. Like baked cookies or candles lol
But only if you like hosting Christmas, you should always expect unexpected guests. If you don't like hosting, then you will need to stop.

I hope OP can find a way to say NO!
Pleeease OP.

No more cooking for 6 hours, don't waste your time and money anymore!

I would seriously laugh my as off if I saw two grown women crying because they didn't get a present! Really? WTF!

Come on OP, imagine never having to spend Xmas with MIL and SIL ever again!

What is your DH going to do if you refuse to spend your money on presents and food and spend all day cooking?

Gobsmacked!

Oh SIL I decided to stop doing presents since you've never bought me any and it feels very one sided. I'll put you down for bringing pudding as your contribution to Xmas/boxing day lunch

This - and if she refuses to contribute or kicks off - your DH needs to grow a backbone and deal with it. What kind of man lets his wife be treated like that?

I would send them an email now saying

"we wont be buying presents because we can't afford it, the cost of food has increased and you are bringing an extra mouth to feed and there just isn't the money spare. Please don't feel obliged to buy for the children."

Definitely wouldn't be buying the BF a gift and quite frankly with the way SIL has behaved I wouldn't be bothering for her either - she clearly doesn't appreciate it.
DH's family participate in this ridiculous present exchange for the adults. We only see them about twice a year, have little idea of what they've got or like and in normal years have this complex system of working out who is going where and when so we know whether we need to post presents or if they can be left at one relatives house. BIL & SIL 2 suggested a few years ago that we donate to a charity instead of buying for the adults. SiL 1 said no because she loves choosing gifts for everyone - only to then regift to me something which had been given to her by one of her neighbours (she left the gift tag in). From that day forward I told DH (who'd never done present buying for his family in all the years we've been married) to crack on with it! This now includes buying for 4 adult nieces/nephews whom we also rarely see now as they no longer live at home.

Op, this is the year to stop. I am cutting back on presents massively. All those who count in our lives don't care. I always put thought into presents though.

Our main issue is a bit like yours - Christmas day and meals. The past few years have become overwhelmingly stressful as we are grandparent carers as well as having our own kids. I made the decision last year, pre covid, to stop hosting such large get togethers.

We have a close family member always looking for a slight, making snide digs, always arrives empty handed food wise. Last year demanded all turkey leftovers be handed over so she could have a "picnic" later. We pay for absolutely everything. Any refusal results in a frosty atmosphere. Has turned up heavily hungover, complaining about food etc. Rude to me, argues with BIL. Enough is enough op.

Dont have the greedy, ungrateful, entitled bunch up any more. Enjoy your Christmas and I will try and enjoy mine. Good luck.

Tell them its presents for under 18s only from now on. As xmas is about the children and spending time with family. Don't be pressured into it, stand your ground.

I am just astounded that you allow people (including your DH) to treat you with such disdain OP.

I would not have them in my home, let alone buy them any gift beyond a box of Maltesers.

There's no point moaning on here unless you are prepared to actually do something about it. You've had loads of good advice and encouragement to stand up for yourself. Up to you now.

Oh my goodness OP, what a CF your SIL is!

My SIL had a BF a few years ago, who we got a present for Christmas, it was a Top Gear DVD, he opened it, and I made the mistake of saying "hopefully, you don't have it"

He said "yes, I have actually"

Anyway, as we left before I even had chance to say about swapping it, I'd not even got my coat on and he picked it up and said "here, don't forget to take this with you"

SIL then spent the rest of Christmas texting various family members about them returning the presents they had bought her BF and telling them what he would like instead.

Suffice to say, I took the DVD back for a refund, and did not replace said present.

I stuck with a box of chocs and lynx after that, but they were younger.

I'd just buy some chocs and some fizz, and if they are CF to say anything, bat it over to your DH.

Also, can't believe how rude your MIL was to tell you you'd bought a rubbish gift.

I do a lot of hosting as well, which is never reciprocated by DH siblings, for various reasons, and I don't think they realise how costly it all is.

I f they moan about no presents then say. ”Your Christmas meal, booze and all the trimmings cost xxx again this year- that's your Christmas present. Enjoy!” walk away. Don't get into it from there on. All the food and drink for all of them soon adds up to a small fortune which they clearly don't appreciate or all the effort you go to. Say to them. Next year it's their turn and you won't expect a gift. Not that you've ever received one of your own. Point that out too, that you don't get a gift. Ever.

For fucks sake, let your dh deal with that!

What's the worst that can happen if you say you don't want to do the present thing anymore? Seriously think about it.

SEMI-ZOMBIE THREAD: The OP hasn’t replied or been on Mumsnet since 18 November. Not much point in giving her advice on 16 December.

Wonder if she got a gift request email between then and now, lol.