I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

I put a stop to this in the last couple of years.

It's liberating. I get bought next to nothing and have to supply the presents and food and days out. I'm the only adult working out of my mum and sibling.

Last couple of years I have bought nothing and left their miniscule gifts unopened.

Last year I walked out having not bought any food for Christmas Dinner and found a place open in Christmas day to have a bite to eat.

It really threw them. They force a family Christmas on me they can't force me to participate

Get them a joint present, but don't spend any more.

Stop buying for them right now!! For years I watched my mother do the same as you, she stressed out Christmas after Christmas trying to please my bitch of an aunt who should of had Princess tattooed across her forehead. My aunt would buy something cheap and tacky for my mother but had no problem letting her know if she didn't like what she received. This stress took the pleasure out of shopping for my mother and she was in her 60's and ill when she decided 'fuck that', she told my father she wasn't buying any more gifts for his sister and bil, if he wanted to give them something he had to go shopping, he ended up in the shops on Christmas eve buying tat. Sort out your dh first, he shops or it stops. Regarding cooking dinner I think you should call the sil soon and tell her that you expect her to bring the starter or dessert. Followup to confirm a week before and if she doesn't arrive leaden down with food you make sure to apologise at the table in front of dh and mil saying I asked sil to bring it this year as her contribution. If either mention gmthat she gifted your children something just ask if that means if she hadn't been coming to dinner she wouldn't have got them anything? Please please do something to stop this continuing, I seen so many Christmases with my mother stressed over this type of shit, she told me afterwards that standing up for herself to my aunt was the best thing she ever did and regretted not doing it years, decades earlier. This is our first Christmas without my mother and it'll be hard but I at least I know the last few were stress free and she loved it

COVID is the perfect reason to not invite SIL or MIL and enjoy a pleasant Christmas without her ruining it?

Find your backbone and tell your dh new winds are blowing.

You and dh give presents to each other.

IF sil and bf is to get a present there is a set amount (5-10), but tell your dh they are not more important than you, so he doesn't need to accommodate people over his wife.

Inform (preferably your dh, but he sounds wet ) mil and sil that over 18 is a set amount and make it a sport buying nice for less (just say it nobody is going to).

AND stop accommodating people, there is a thread this morning from an American poster being completely ignored by her dh, dc even parents for her 50 birthday. Don't end up being the one celebrating for everybody, if people don't give they don't get. Years down the line your dh might state 'but, but, but you never get presents'.

Expectations (from your dh, mil, sil) can be a millstone round your neck if you don't set boundaries early on. Boundaries...boundaries .

@Cocomarine

Im one of the minority voting YABU - for the same reason as a PP - this is your fault. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Set your budget for Xmas - with your husband. Include a reasonable amount for her, because buying a SIL a present isn’t in itself unreasonable.

If her request fits your budget: yay!
If it doesn’t, then tell your husband to choose her something which is in budget. Then walk away.

That emailed list? Forward it - with her in copy, “thanks for the ideas SIL - husband, there you go.”

Also reply, “we’re not bothered about presents, but contributions to the meal would be good please - I’ll put you down for 2 bottles of red.”

Personally, I’d include her boyfriend in the present giving with a good grace, if you’re hosting him. But it would be a bottle of wine type gift.

If your husband causes you problems, well... I’d show him the budget and ask whether he’s cutting the food quality, or quantity, or his children’s present for his sister’s.

If you can actually afford her request and it’s the princess nature that annoys you - is just let it go (on the proviso that your husband deals with it).

If you can’t afford it and your husband doesn’t back you - and expects you to shop for it - then I honestly would be reconsidering my marriage.

You need to say no.

This.

The only thing I'd disagree with is that you shouldn't be buying her a present if she's not buying you one. I think it's insane she'd do that after asking for gifts.

I don't understand how marriages with such poor communication about the easy stuff (relatively- Christmas is stressful) survive the tough times.

Pre-emptive strike? "Knowing that we've never managed to get presents right, on either side, how about we enjoy each other's company and ditch the presents this year? Save everyone doing needless trips. "

Jesus Christ, why are so many women such martyrs?

@Hersetta427

Of course you don't buy for him - do you really think he will bring a gift for you?. Feeding and watering them is enough and I wouldn't buy for your SIL either.

Yes, it would actually be more polite for him to bring some sort of gift to you as you're feeding him for the day

@Newuser991

I put a stop to this in the last couple of years.

It's liberating. I get bought next to nothing and have to supply the presents and food and days out. I'm the only adult working out of my mum and sibling.

Last couple of years I have bought nothing and left their miniscule gifts unopened.

Last year I walked out having not bought any food for Christmas Dinner and found a place open in Christmas day to have a bite to eat.

It really threw them. They force a family Christmas on me they can't force me to participate

What, your family expect you to host, buy, cook and give them gifts and you get nothing?

Wow!

This year I was speaking to DH and I've suggested we take the main meal with us to his dads, they host us every year and we are a pretty big family now, we usually visit them on boxing day or the day after as Christmas is spent with DH's mum.
I'm so conscious of the work and expense of it hosting Christmas dinner. I would never ever turn up empty handed.

buy presents from Charity shops if at all but I like the idea of a cough
seriously the way covid rules are going you probably won't be able to host them for Christmas (there has been a suggesting only two households & no crossing county borders

Tell them you have made charity donations in their name in lieu of Christmas presents.

This isn't your problem, it's up to your DH whether or not he buys gifts for his family. Stop worrying about it and let him get on with it.

I buy for dh side still ( mum and neices / nephew ) as i have better idea what to get than he would.
His mumbuy for us and the dc though so I couldn't accept a present if I hadn't bought one back
We stopped for bil / sil etc and just do kids and we have a £10-15 limit
My brothers kids we have a £20-25 limit and do buy each other a token gift upto £10
We just discussed it as dh sister used to get us crap like half a bottle aftershave , out of date sweets etc , so stopped adults , kids were hit and miss as well often old toys from her dc wrapped up , so we did say lets stop adults and do budget £10 per child and I used to suggest ideas , now older its £10 in a card with selection box so much easier .
Sometimes discussing and having a budget just means everyone knows the expectations

Are the DCs your DH's stepchildren?

@Dashel

The trouble with leaving this entirely to DH is if he is the sort to order expensive gifts online for them and throws more money at the issue rather than dealing with it like an adult. I think you need to stand together on this.

After all the money spent on these gifts comes from the total amount of family money available.

Exactly.

"bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that."

Rude as fuck, how selfish and spoilt.

I buy for dh side still ( mum and neices / nephew ) as i have better idea what to get than he would.

Well maybe he should learn

Either: put your foot down and say no (it is usual in lots of families that only under 18s in the wider family get presents)

and - DH to be responsible for his side of the family's presents

and - if you really feel there must be something: bottle of wine/chocolates/inoffensive latest coffee table book (or combination - whatever you like)

Also they should be bringing something to this feast: food, drink, dessert, starters, something. Or cold hard cash.

Stick up for yourself and say "I'm not buying gifts for you this year as the effort is not reciprocated. If you'd still like to come for boxing day please contribute by bringing the wine/pudding/cheese/whatever."

Grow a back bone and stick up for yourself. You are allowing this to happen by not doing so.

I wouldn't buy for either of them. Just tell them money's tight and you're not buying for adults this year.

How about a blanket WhatsApp message- Hi All, due to the current 'extraordinary times' blah blah, I'm not going to be buying presents for adults, just for the children. Please don't buy us anything apart from the kids. I don't want anyone spending time going around the shops as it's not very safe'

Then you & DH buy presents for each other as normal. Respond to any CF'ery with a bland smile and a shrug.

If they kick off, give them one of those non-apologies- 'sorry you're upset' etc.

@Summerstorms tbf he works 60+ hrs a week I do 20 so I have more time , I also Enjoy it so its not a problem,If I was unable or didn't want to he would go out and he wilL sometimes make suggestions or if we are out say shall I pick this up for mum etc
I would rather the short time he has to go shopping its buying for me

Tell MIL she's a cheeky twat for even expecting you to be buying a grown ass ungrateful pair of bitter cows any presents at all how awful OP I really wouldn't be buying them anything with how they treat you I wouldn't be wasting my time or effort on either.
Your DH needs to have a word with mumsy dearest and perhaps a bit of luck you won't have to suffer their presence over the Christmas holidays.

They are not your responsibility (especially the boyfriend!). If your DH kicks up a fuss tell him to get their presents. How about for a change you prioritise your wants over people who clearly don’t like you? Buy yourself a Christmas present! Honestly so many threads about people bending over backwards for cheeky fuckers! You are stressing out for no reason. You’ve said every year you hate Christmas but your Christmas should be a magical time for your children (I am assuming they’re young). Focus on them and focus on you.