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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

399 replies

NameChangeMillionthTime · 18/11/2020 09:24

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 18/11/2020 10:08

Make a stand and say no this year. Simple. Who cares if she gets in a strop.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/11/2020 10:08

I'm just echoing the choir here but just to drive it home, WHY is this your problem????

NoDramaMama14 · 18/11/2020 10:11

Feeling obligated to do things you don't want to do, in case of what people might think is the worst part of life. Its been a tough year, get what you can manage and enjoy your day.

Sequoiadendrongiganteum · 18/11/2020 10:12

I used to buy presents for my DH's family, until they annoyed me so much by complaining that I stopped. My DH has never once considered it his job to buy my family presents, and wouldn't never feel guilty if they got nothing. I have adopted the same attitude. It's great!

This year my MIL, SIL, PIL, and BIL have all received precisely no birthdays presents or cards from us. I really don't care. I felt slightly bad when my nephew was forgotten as well, but not bad enough to do anything about it. I did however cave when SIL didn't get a new baby present. That was a whole new level of forgetfulness. I eventually ordered her something.

Strangely my in-laws are now nicer to me.

OP don't buy them anything. If questioned just say it was DH's job and he forgot.

MrGorksy · 18/11/2020 10:12

I would either:
Announce that you will only be buying for children and suggest everyone else does the same.
Or
Suggest a secret santa for the adults which a decent amount. That way every adult gets a gift including you.

If they say no to option 2 then revert to 1 and refuse to engage with it any further.

Your husband should be dealing with this but if he won't, you'll have to.

The short term pain of upsetting his spoiled and entitled family will be so worth it when you don't have the gnawing resentment each year.

Next year, you can tackle the fact that they all rock up each Boxing Day expecting you to provide and do everything.

I promise it'll be worth it.

Glamflimfloogety · 18/11/2020 10:14

Another vote here that this should be DH's problem.

Me and DH sort out our own sides of the family (avoids any resentment on how much has been spent if one of us is more flush than the other that year)

When you get the list from SIL just say she needs to send it to her brother. Same with MIL, she needs to discuss with her son if the gifts are not up to scratch. If DH wants to buy a gift for the new BF then that's up to him too.

It's not fair that you have to shoulder the financial and administrative burden for his side of the family and I'd tell him so. I'd also be expecting him to fork out for at least half of the boxing day dinner.

Maybe set up a group chat with DH, SIL & MIL and say something along the lines of "I know you can all appreciate how difficult this year has been, given the circumstances we would appreciate if you could each bring something along to dinner (give them a reasonable list to pick from) please let me know what you're bringing so I can plan accordingly. Also we will not being doing any adult gifts this year, just gifts for the DC. I'm sure you can all understand and look forward to seeing you all"

updownroundandround · 18/11/2020 10:14

@ NameChangeMillionthTime

I understand that because she buys gifts (crappy ones) for your kids, you and your DH feel 'obliged' to get her a gift. Fair enough.

You also say that she has the brass balls to send you emails about what gifts she wants Hmm. Ok.

I'd suggest that you do the same. Shock

Send her multiple emails, detailing what you, your DH AND your DC ''would like for Xmas' Shock. With the obvious ''unless it's too much money'' phrase tagged on the end.

Make it very clear that you all expect to receive a gift Grin.

If she replies '' Oh, but we only buy for the kids Hmm, say ''that's fine, we'll all just buy gifts for the kids from now on.........what a great idea !'' Grin

Cocolapew · 18/11/2020 10:15

Jesus Christ stand up for yourself, tell mil and sil to fuck off if they start. I dont understand why you are letting them treat you like this Confused

Waspnest · 18/11/2020 10:15

I agree with the PP who said you have a DH problem. Is he fine with you being treated like this by his family?

Personally I'd use Covid as an excuse this year and say with everything going on you're just having a simple Christmas, no visitors, no presents because shopping is trickier etc.

A lot of the time on MN I think CFs are only CFs because people are letting them get away with crap behaviour.

Igotmyholiday · 18/11/2020 10:15

Your SIL sounds a right CF, no need for the boyfriend to get a present. Surely your dh should be sorting out a present for his sister. I don't agree with not giving adults a present if they don't have dc and your dc are getting presents but this is for your dh to sort out not you

Annasgirl · 18/11/2020 10:15

OP, I put that you are being unreasonable because, and I mean this kindly, you are an adult and you do not HAVE to do anything you do not want to. My life has improved enormously since I stopped doing what I felt I should do and only did what I wanted to do and needed to do (not always the same, I still have to work!!!). And you can decide that this year, you start your new life, and you do NOT host SIL and her BF or even MIL at your house.

Oh, and you have a DH problem not a SIL or MIL problem. But you probably knew that. They are who they are, but you only have to tolerate them because your DH has not put you first. Decide this year that you come first.

TheTeenageYears · 18/11/2020 10:16

If you leave it to your DH I suspect he will just spend whatever it takes to keep the peace and that might also be part of the problem so one of the reasons why you take on the task year after year?? (would be if it were me).

If SIL is now part of a couple enough to bring him to another family member's on Boxing Day I would give them proper 'couple' status re presents and just buy something between them like wine and chocolate they can share. If your MIL continues to treat her 50 year old like a child that's down to her, doesn't mean it needs to extend to other members of the family.

If SIL sends her 'demand' list this year just reply saying "how lovely, I hope MIL can buy those or maybe BF. DH and I aren't able to stretch to gifts like that for each other so won't be doing that for anyone other than the DC"

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/11/2020 10:16

Sorry OP but honestly grow a spine. You don't even like these people, why would you twist yourself in knots trying to please them?

CharityDingle · 18/11/2020 10:18

I genuinely find this kind of thing hard to understand.

Tell your MIL and SIL if they kick off that you are buying the same thing that you have received from them. A half dead bunch of flowers.

keeprocking · 18/11/2020 10:20

The decision not to buy for anyone over 18 is one of the most liberating ones we ever made, I really don't understand why people buy for every Tom, Dick and Harry. I once knew someone who actually kept a huge suitcase filled with incredible tat and gave out random stuff.

justilou1 · 18/11/2020 10:20

Put a blanket ban on buying presents for adults. Christmas is for kids only. Should have done it years ago. With a bit of luck she’ll have a tantrum and be a no show.

timeforawine · 18/11/2020 10:20

I'd stop buying them both gifts, if your husband doesn't do it they don't get anything, tough, his family his responsibility.
Get tough OP, refuse to do his gift buying. Good luck, take back Christmas!

AryaStarkWolf · 18/11/2020 10:21

I used to buy presents for my DH's family, until they annoyed me so much by complaining that I stopped. My DH has never once considered it his job to buy my family presents, and wouldn't never feel guilty if they got nothing. I have adopted the same attitude. It's great!

Saying No and not allowing yourself feel guilty is a truly freeing experience, women especially need to learn how to do this

Dashel · 18/11/2020 10:22

I would say that this year you won’t be doing presents other than the DC as money is tight or that you are only doing charity gifts so instead of buying more crap that people don’t really need you are going to buy food for the food banks as a way to give something that people need in these awful times.

Any presents you buy DH and yourself can be hidden.

anothernewone · 18/11/2020 10:24

I would use the situation this year as an excuse to shake things up a bit. Say as things are up in the air about whether or not mixing households will be allowed you don't want to order loads that might go to waste. Suggest everyone bring a dish/course and don't bother with presents this year.

timeisnotaline · 18/11/2020 10:24

@Dontbeme

When she emails her Santa list this year reply "thanks, I will pass it on to DH, he is gift buying this year. This is my list of things you can bring as I am hosting" then list the priciest wines, choice and sundries you can think of. Your mil, sil and DH are taking the proverbial having you run around after all of them.
This x 1000. You will feel so free having said that! Do be dontbeme
unmarkedbythat · 18/11/2020 10:27

Your ILs sound horrible and I would get them donations-in-their-name as 'presents'. Ideally donations to charities that they do not support.

jessstan1 · 18/11/2020 10:29

Why not buy him some tasteful Christmas socks to go on tree? Next have really nice ones.

I think they are mean not buying you anything but if they buy for your children, I'd get each a small but prettily wrapped good present to go on tree.

You do sound a bit resentful about having to go out and buy food and slave away cooking. You don't have to do it! Why not take it turns? In any case, does your husband not shop and cook with you? It's not fair for him to expect you to do it all.

Barney60 · 18/11/2020 10:29

Id send her a note saying something along the lines of as this year has been very difficult for everyone, moneys tight for all due to work situations, this year your gift will be that you are shopping/cooking/ serving them a lovely lunch. Therefore you are doing token gifts only, enclose a link for something very small that your children DO want and say would be lovely if children had X or a voucher this year. Wrap a lovely box of her fav chocs or something, similar for him. Let her have a hissy fit. Tell hubby afterwards what youve done, if not happy tell him to go buy them something to an amount maximum of X. The more you put up with this the more it will carry on.

CharityDingle · 18/11/2020 10:29

@Dontbeme

When she emails her Santa list this year reply "thanks, I will pass it on to DH, he is gift buying this year. This is my list of things you can bring as I am hosting" then list the priciest wines, choice and sundries you can think of. Your mil, sil and DH are taking the proverbial having you run around after all of them.
Ha, I love this! And cc your husband and mother in law.

OP, family dynamics can result in situations that others would see as totally wrong, but have never been questioned by the family. The 'golden child' was mentioned upthread.
In this case, your sister in law has always been treated this way, and nobody apparently sees anything wrong with it. If this madness is literally leaving you short of money to buy things for one another, it's way past time that someone shouted stop.
I suspect that your husband is in the grip of this family dynamic, but he must see that the fact that you once got a half dead bunch of flowers, and that was it, in terms of presents, is crazy stuff.