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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

399 replies

NameChangeMillionthTime · 18/11/2020 09:24

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

OP posts:
countdowner · 18/11/2020 13:36

Dear DHs family
Recent events have made us reassess what is important, and we've decided to bring our kids up appreciating that it's your presence not presents (🤮) that matter. As such we're not going to buy any presents for adults and only give our kids small gifts. We don't want to dictate whether you get the kids presents or bit, but please don't buy us anything, as we wouldn't want you disappointed to only get food, drink and company in return! we're looking forward to a stripped back Christmas focussing on what really matters.

Mix56 · 18/11/2020 13:36

agreed
send a family WhatsApp.
Xmas is for the Dc this year, I have no time or money left for elaborate gifts. I already fund the whole shebang
So this year SIL, you bring the pud, BF brings wine.
MIL you bring "whatever"
Lets hope that this year just celebrating being alive together brings enough happiness.
Please don't turn on the waterworks, the bank is empty

WineNotTheLabel · 18/11/2020 13:38

I agree, let them cry, get angry or have any reaction they want.

I would expect my oh to get ahead of any of this nonsense and have a conversation. If he wants to keep the peace then he should pay for, order and wrap presents for his family. In fact he should order the grocery shopping and make dinner for them all.

"I understand if it's too much" = "I agree, I'll let you and your brother sort it out". If you get emails forward them to your DBro and cc her in.

I don't care what people think of me though.

1FootInTheRave · 18/11/2020 13:38

Get a backbone and stipulate no gifts. For anyone. Not even the kids.

I hate waste and gifts for the sake of it.

Aside from the fact she's a cheeky twat.

Or, buy them a joint oxfam goat or something?

Waspnest · 18/11/2020 13:45

God threads like these give me hypertension because the OP has already said she won’t stand up to MIL/SIL/DH

Yes I'm glad I have low BP and can afford for it to go up a bit!

OP why are you willing to spend the day with such unpleasant people, are they like it all the time, in which case does it really matter if you piss them off? I've reached the age where I will not put up with people who clearly do not give a shit about me (and sadly I think in your case that may include your DH).

LilyLongJohn · 18/11/2020 13:45

Dear family, as we are hosting Xmas again this year you have two choices, if you want gifts it'll be £50 a head for the food and drink, or you can have the foot and drink foc but no gifts. Your choice.

Eddielzzard · 18/11/2020 13:47

It's your DH's sister? In which case I'd refuse to deal with this 'wife work' and tell him he's got to buy for his own family and you don't want to know anything about it. Agree a budget between you and leave it to him to sort it out with his sister.

Mumek · 18/11/2020 13:48

Tell them that you're making donations to food banks this year instead of Christmas presents.

bettybyebye · 18/11/2020 13:50

YABU for putting up with this. If DH says you have to buy them presents then he can bloody well buy them then can’t he!
Why have you let this become your problem. I have been married to DH for nearly 10 years and have never bought a gift for anyone on his side as that’s up to him. If he forgets and they don’t get anything then tough shit it’s him that should be embarrassed not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

KatharinaRosalie · 18/11/2020 13:55

Adult people weeping because santa is not bringing them everything on their list. Just tell them they clearly haven't been nice enough.

frazzledasarock · 18/11/2020 13:58

Seriously, a pair of grown ass woman in their 50's and 70's/80's cried at the thought of you not buying them Christmas gifts?

Suggest everyone buys themselves gifts and they can unwrap them all together. That way everyone gets what they want and spends what they want.

You really need to stop caring so much what your IL's think. They don't think of you at all apart fomr as the family skivvy.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2020 13:59

Stop
Being
A
Mug.

Graciebobcat · 18/11/2020 14:00

My DH gets presents for his family. Not my responsibility.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/11/2020 14:03

Not your family, not your issue. If anyone texts you about presents say thanks you'll pass this one on to your husband as he is sorting it this year, so best message him directly next time. Tell him it's his job if you're hosting xmas.

greyhills · 18/11/2020 14:06

She is your DH's sister. That makes present-buying his responsibility, not yours. The present to her and/or her BF can be from you jointly, but it's time your DH stepped up.

And your MIL has a bloody cheek.

madcatladyforever · 18/11/2020 14:09

I would give them all an old stocking with coal in it.

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/11/2020 14:13

Surely your MIL buys presents for your SIL, I can't imagine she'd not bother her arse and then criticise other relatives for not buying SIL anything? Probably her boyfriend will too? So she won't be getting no presents in reality if you and your DH don't buy her something.

If SIL expects you to fork out £60 worth of gifts because she's spent that on your DC, ask her not to buy your DC presents any more as you can't afford to reciprocate. If she wails about not getting many presents, you can say "Well I don't get anything either. If I've got used to it, so can you". If you make it clear that you can't afford to buy present(s) for SIL, then it's up to her whether she continues to buy gifts for your DC or not.

With respect to hosting, why can't you say "It's not our turn AGAIN? Why don't we get the chance to be guests? If nobody else is prepared to shoulder the hard work and expense, why should we all the time? That's not right."

If you pussyfoot around using Covid and other excuses, you're not making it plain what the problem is. Or even that there is a problem, if you just seethe every year and think how much you hate Christmas. What's the point of that? It doesn't get you anywhere!

1WildTeaParty · 18/11/2020 14:17

Get your DH to contact them and say/write:

Please don't buy us presents this this Christmas. We are looking forwards to having you all over for dinner but (in these difficult times) have decided not to exchange presents with adults this year.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 18/11/2020 14:19

Did you try sending her your wish list when she sends your hers?

'Hi SIL, your ideas are great, here are mine... seriously I thought we would go for small presents as usual, but always nice to dream a little'

And then buy them a selection box or small plant or board games, anything that is generic, cheap and can count as present for both of them.

silverbubbles · 18/11/2020 14:22

You get a round robin in first saying this xmas please don't buy us adults gifts and we will not be giving them. Also, that you are looking forward to xmas day but would like to share out some of the responsibility/labour like food /wine etc. Then suggest who does what. New boyfriend can be told to bring the crackers.

and next year tell her that you will all be going to her house.

Siennabear · 18/11/2020 14:27

We only buy for the kids mainly. Adults get a tin of biscuits/ bottle of wine. Can you do something like that?

Siennabear · 18/11/2020 14:28

And also your husband should be buying his side and you yours! Why should it all fall to you?

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/11/2020 14:45

The problem with saying pass it over to DH is how would he deal with it? If SIL sends a list of three to choose from, would he just go out and buy all three (a) because he doesn't want to upset his sister and (b) because he can't be arsed to make a decision?

Unless and until he gets out of this balance sheet approach, and which is also tied up with the guilt tripping from his mother and sister, this seems to be a battle the OP has to fight for herself. But it starts with her DH not the other two, however painful it might be.

OP if you can find the strength tell him what you're prepared to do and not do and why. Include, as PPs have said, the hosting (do they ever host you? I'm guessing not), the reduced budget and everything else. It might be worth waiting for the inevitable request for a gift for the boyfriend and using that as a 'last straw' reason for putting your foot down.

DC3Dakota · 18/11/2020 15:24

I don't understand the point of this thread. Op has already stated she refuses to change anything. Why bother posting the thread at all?

giantangryrooster · 18/11/2020 15:27

DC3Dakota
I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

I think op went for a rant Grin.