I don't want to buy my SIL's boyfriend a Christmas present.

[NameChangeMillionthTime]

SIL is bringing her BF to our house for Boxing Day lunch (Covid permitting) along with MIL. I've battled with presents for these 2 for years as in, I am the one who shleps round the shops looking for their presents, they have massive high expectations and I have never once received a gift from them aside from a half dead bunch of flowers on my 40th. For example, I once didn't ask SIL what she wanted for Christmas and instead bought her some very nice smellies and MIL told me it was a rubbish present and her DD deserved better than that.

SIL now buys something for my DC, but puts in little effort and has never, ever bought me a present. She is 50, not a hard up teenager.

I am preempting this and hypothesising but I just know that I am going to get told that in addition to what she wants, her boyfriend wants this to that. This will be on top of the food and booze I will have paid for and spent 6 hours cooking.

I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

@giantangryrooster

DC3Dakota I really, really do not want to buy my SIL's BF a Christmas present. Not sure if this is a question or just a rant.

I think op went for a rant .

Baffling

It’s definitely your DH’s job to buy for his family, even more so because they sound like ungrateful arseholes.

Honestly why so many are spending so much - money sometimes they don’t even really have - on people who treat them like shit, don’t reciprocate, or make passive aggressive shitty presents to show JUST how little you matter to them.

STOP

Just STOP.

Nobody but nobody is going to die because you refuse to allow them the opportunity to make you feel like crap.

Nobody will die because they didn’t get a present

NOW is the time to send messages to all these people and (a) cancel lunch/visits- due to Covid and minimising risk etc, and (b) so they DONT buy or say they’re buying anything (often a lie) to suck you back into this game they need you to keep playing

OP it sounds like you don’t like this behaviour and the expectations from DH family. You also say you and your DH argue about it every year. I think it sounds like you feel you have no choice but to keep all these people happy. But you do have a choice. Just don’t buy presents for them. Simple yes and you may find your DH may kick off. Too bad for him. Thats actually his problem not yours. So long as you keep your composure and say very little it’s his problem (the minute you get defensive and try and explain or you start shouting or get mad then you’ve joined the negative cycle. Don’t be tempted to join in). Also your DH family might kick off. Same thing. That’s their problem. You can stay calm and say “oh well we are here for the Christmas meal. You can join me as Ive been cooking for hours or you are welcome to go home.”
It’s time to stop feeling responsible for everyone. You’re only responsible for you. Their anger and words is their problem. You are not them. Their expectation is their problem. You are going to have to learn this to be able to grow past this by putting boundaries in place. And if they sulk too bad. Again not your problem. If they don’t get your children presents again that’s their problem. It’s time to stop trying to save the world (your DH and his family) and all it’s problems. Take a giant step back and let go of this crap. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You’ll feel much better.

We did a secret Santa last year. The relief when I suggested it was palpable .

FFS grow a backbone and either tell your DH its up to him to buy presents for his mother, sister and her boyfriend OR you contact MIL/SIL and explain that you wont be buying presents this year.....blame it on Covid/ money whatever !

I think op went for a rant

I think you may be right MN need a RANT topic where people can post and no-one need waste their time responding.

You would have thought with all the time many blokes have had during the first lockdown, crap like this would have been sorted out.

If you insist that it has to be down to you, matchmakers are currently on offer. Get them a box or even one of each and wrap separately. She's going to be ungrateful regardless of how much you try and placate it.

@Waspnest I would agree. Rant pages where people post and no response needed just vent and type out the scream and leave. I think that’s a great idea. Although the problem with that is no one actually grows up. This OP could take the opportunity to make a change this year and not even in the name of Covid but because she can. It’s called being a grown up. Why people put up with others demands and screams like an adult having a tantrum baffles me. No one can force us to have people over at our houses or make us buy presents. People don’t have that much power over someone else. Anyway maybe it was just a made up story. Some people are just bored too. And if that’s the case here that is her problem.

No offence OP but if you put your foot down this year and tell them NO you’d have all these posters here supporting you. What a great year to make a change

I genuinely dont know why you dont say - "lets all forget the presents this year - it is just great to get together" and bring a bottle to the party" - sorry but you need to be firm . Once you have stood up for yourself you will feel better.

Why on earth are you hosting them?! This is madness. Time to be blunt. No presents, let's all give to a charity or contribute a dish / drink to a get together we have. No need for gifts. Rinse and repeat.

Here’s your gift to yourself for Christmas 2020: stop putting up with this nonsense.

Just let your DH deal with their presents, if he can be bothered.

I'm so glad I don't know people like this in real life.

DSil was similar. Big list of expensive gifts for her and children. Mine would receive £1 gifts in return.

I told DH I wouldn’t be buying them anymore gifts and it was his choice.

Now DH buys our three a gift from SIL and she buys for her 3 from us.

Those gifts are no where near as generous and she’d prevously expected.

Funny that.

If SIL buys for your children, I think it's reasonable to give her a gift to reciprocate

And in our family, we do tend to spend the same amount on each other's gifts. My sis usually spends £15 on me, so I wouldn't hesitate to send her a link to a £15 gift that I'd like from her

Perhaps not your problem to resolve. It's for DH to manage his family - unless you both agreed that you would work part time in order to have more time to deal with 'family stuff' in which case perhaps it is reasonable for you to do the presents

But MIL criticising your gift to SIL was rude

Just do secret Santa and be done with it

If ever there was a year to press the reset button and be with the people you want to be with, and not be with those who are drains on us, it’s 2020.

Make 2020 the year you start to live!

buy them a mutual one present?smth inexpensive for the house.

When she sends you her gift list, forward it to your DH (depending on how she messages you, either just forward or screenshot and create a new message thread in Whatsapp, Messenger, iMessage whatever), copying her in as well and just say 'This is what your sister wants you to get her for Christmas'. Wash your hands of it all and make sure she knows it.

I really don’t understand why you are buying presents for people you don’t like, who you aren’t related to, who dislike you so much then never buy you anything? I wouldn’t have got them anything after the first year. Grow a spine, tell your husband it’s on him.

Send your DH to the shops to buy his mum , sister and her boyfriend something, then if they dont like it they can blame him!
If an adult sent me a present list I'd be sure to send them one back.
They sound rude and ungrateful, do they buy your DH something?
If SIL buys your DH a present and not you then definitely don't get her BF one.
And I would be rethinking hosting them for sure!

Don’t host them, don’t buy for them-they sound vile.

I wouldn’t be cooking for or buying for someone that didn’t buy for me.

This is utterly ridiculous and very hard to believe. No-one is this feeble in real life!