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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not let my 16 year old have his phone in his room at night?

187 replies

Hyperbolistic · 17/11/2020 11:38

Just discovered my DS has been hiding an old phone in his room to use after we've taken his phone at bedtime. We've taken it away now but he's not happy and claims his friends have theirs. I feel a bit torn as obviously he's 16 and not a baby, but I also want him to get enough sleep. AIBU to not let him have it?

OP posts:
Took · 17/11/2020 16:06

My 16 year old has to put his phone in my room every night. No xbox after 9pm either (though no limits at weekends).

We tried self regulating but that was a bust. We agreed on rules together and I'm open to being convinced of extending times.

He's sleeping better and doing better at school too. He comes down at 9pm and does his school work at the table.

He doesn’t feel controlled and understands my point of view and I understand his so we try to meet in the middle where everyone's happy.

I literally just asked him if I'm controlling etc and he laughed. Said I'm "alright" Grin

gospelsinger · 17/11/2020 16:10

I would enforce the rule until GCSEs are done and then expect him to self regulate after that.

MissMogwai · 17/11/2020 16:10

My DD is 16 and at college now. When she left school in March and then exams were cancelled, I stopped making her put it away at night. Before that I did say on charge downstairs Mon- Fri or she would be on it until late and then shattered.

I think 16 and over, it's up to them. At 18 especially they are an adult and should be treated as such!

Cheeseandwin5 · 17/11/2020 16:13

My DC is 14 and I tell him his phone has to be a distance away.
The reasons is I want to have a good nights sleep and its safer for his health.
We have controls on his phone so we can stop internet use.
I know ppl think this is controlling and it is, but I think posters are underestimating, how addictive phone use is for young ppl.

BiBabbles · 17/11/2020 16:17

I think different 16-year-olds need a different amount of structure around this. Also, different households will have different needs that a mature enough to handle it 16-year-old will understand that (saying 'all my friends have it' doesn't seem mature to me). It's up to how your teen isand how things are set up.

I don't "take my kids phone away", they put them on the cubby next to the couch when they're not using them. That's what they've done since getting them in Y7, it's what their father does when he's home, there or on the couch is where mine is during the day - I'm the only one that routinely takes my phone upstairs to bed as I have a worry about fires or something happening and needing it at night. None of my kids regularly take their phone upstairs at all, I can't remember the last time my 16 year old did and the closest my 13 year old gets is when she does dancing and video chats through the house for her own reasons, but our chargers are all in the front room. That's just where they go.

My kids all share bedrooms so I have to consider what will disrupt their siblings - they have vibrating under pillow alarms, for example, for different waking times. It's one thing to expect my 16 year old to self regulate, it's another to expect him to do it in a way that won't impact his younger brother in the same room. Even then, they're more than capable of staying up late without them -- as recently having found him reading aloud in funny voices to his younger brother at 10o'clock attests.

They don't seem the worse for wear without them and I don't find it controlling. It's hard to develop and maintain good habits with the ease and fun electronics give, finding ways to help teens develop them is difficult, but I don't think just their age is a good enough indicator of their ability to handle this. I left home and immigrated at 17, I could clearly handle myself, I still had terrible internet habits and an overreliance on it that a few environmental tweaks at a younger age would have helped with.

Took · 17/11/2020 16:20

I think it's good for their mental health to get a break from it all for a few hours. No getting caught up in teen drama at all hours. Switching off from it all hasn’t negatively affected any friendships and gives him some much needed space.

LilyLongJohn · 17/11/2020 16:24

We have a household rule that all phones (mine and dh inc) are kept downstairs and charged in the kitchen overnight.

Footballer · 17/11/2020 16:27

I can’t remember who said it but someone mentioned that lots of parents don’t want the fight about phones and let them have it. An inference that it’s bad/lazy parenting, I feel the opposite and see it as lazy parenting to not deal with the issues involved with having a phone or internet access. Marching in and confiscating a phone from an 16/17/18 year old is the lazy option IMO.

Graciebobcat · 17/11/2020 16:29

I've always let mine have their phones in their room, provided they are sensible.

Graciebobcat · 17/11/2020 16:31

@Footballer

I can’t remember who said it but someone mentioned that lots of parents don’t want the fight about phones and let them have it. An inference that it’s bad/lazy parenting, I feel the opposite and see it as lazy parenting to not deal with the issues involved with having a phone or internet access. Marching in and confiscating a phone from an 16/17/18 year old is the lazy option IMO.
Exactly. I've found it always best to trust them to do something first and only intervene if they need help or it goes wrong in some way.
Took · 17/11/2020 16:31

I have never marched in nor confiscated. 😁
Talking through options and putting our sides and deciding on a middle ground together (which involves no phone or xbox between certain hours during term time) isn't lazy.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/11/2020 16:42

I'd be more concerned that your child has been deceiving you for some time, than whether he uses his phone at night for too long and makes himself tired.

Yes I think your rule is unreasonable, but more importantly than that, why could your son not come and talk to you about amending rules as he has aged, instead of hiding and deceiving you?

I think thats what needs looking at, has he tried to talk to you? Are you open to discussion, has he been pushed into lying because you can't be reasoned with, or has he never tried, no reason to think he can't talk to you and lept to 'lie and deceive' as his first option?

Vargas · 17/11/2020 16:44

I have never marched in or confiscated a phone from any of my kids. My kids all sleep really well and are doing well in school, happy etc... So I have no plans to suddenly say 'everyone take your phones to bed with you, it's time to join the adult world' particularly as one of the adults in the house (DH) is very happy to leave his phone downstairs overnight to charge.

You'll be horrified to learn that I also still tell my 13yo when to go to bed...Grin

MeringueCloud · 17/11/2020 16:46

For those of you who seem to find it draconian to have a no phones in the bedroom rule for teenagers or who don't intervene until there is a problem- do you have any rules at all?

Vargas · 17/11/2020 16:55

MeringueCloud - I have noticed on MN there is rather a large subsection of parents who have no rules for children from quite a young age. I have never actually met any of these people in RL Grin.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 17/11/2020 16:55

My rules are:

Be polite and respectful. If they aren’t then phone is removed.

No other rules. 3 grown up ds’s who are all fine and contribute to society, polite and helpful.

Dd is 14 still work in progress. She manages herself just fine.

BoardingSchoolMater · 17/11/2020 17:00

I have had all this with my DC, with the added bonus of "but we're allowed to have them in our rooms at school" (true).

One of the best things teenagers can learn is self-regulation on devices. I had terrible problems with one of mine being "addicted" to gaming when he was 13 (went to all kinds of lengths to 'sneak' extra time, spare devices, etc, etc). XH was all in favour of punishments, confiscations, sanctions and so on. Housemaster and I were keener to have an ongoing dialogue with DS about self-regulation, developing other activities, hobbies, etc. We ignored XH and by the time DS was 15, he was pretty adept at self regulating. He still uses social media and still watches stuff on You Tube, but they're just a part of his life which is otherwise full of more interesting and worthwhile (to maternal eyes) things.

Macncheeseballs · 17/11/2020 17:01

No screens in bedrooms here, me too

MeringueCloud · 17/11/2020 17:03

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

My rules are:

Be polite and respectful. If they aren’t then phone is removed.

No other rules. 3 grown up ds’s who are all fine and contribute to society, polite and helpful.

Dd is 14 still work in progress. She manages herself just fine.

Are you sure? I suppose alot of things might come under "be respectful".
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 17/11/2020 17:14

Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

One works for the DFE
One in conjunction Cambridge uni
One for national media.

All respectful and polite. Lovely kids, (well adults) all of them. They had their moments, but came out of adolescence well

Little one is still work in progress🙄and she’s the toughest. But she’s hardworking, polite at school, has lots of friends. Turns her own phone off at night and goes to sleep. I do night time checks, but she’s fast off

AlexaShutUp · 17/11/2020 17:19

For those of you who seem to find it draconian to have a no phones in the bedroom rule for teenagers or who don't intervene until there is a problem- do you have any rules at all?

I don't really have any rules, no. Or nothing that I would call a rule, but I guess it depends how you define it. Not sure I had them even when she was tiny. Come to think of it, I don't think my parents had any rules for us growing up either.

I do have expectations, though - that dd will treat others with respect and kindness, that she will make sensible decisions for her own wellbeing etc. Maybe they are rules of a sort, I don't know. Either way, it works really well for us!

JoeBidenIsGreat · 17/11/2020 17:20

You need an exit strategy. Obviously you aren't going to tell 32 yr old adult DC what to do. So what is the threshold, when do they get to decide for selves? Whatever precedent is set for DC1 tends to apply for younger DC, so think carefully.

FWIW, we haven't enforced a no phones ban at any age. If they are old enough to have a tablet/phone, they are old enough to start learning self-regulation skills which don't develop instantly.

JoeBidenIsGreat · 17/11/2020 17:21

ps: and of course adults have to follow rules. If the rules are "no screens in bedrooms" then this applies to parents as much as the kids.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/11/2020 17:23

DS1 is 15 and puts his phone in my office at night every now and then. I've never asked/enforced this, I think he just knows himself well enough to know that if it was in his room every night he'd be on it all night. No idea where it even came from, it's happened for so long. I think as long as he's working hard in school, behaving well at home and cleans his room every now and then we have no cause for complaint.

Footballer · 17/11/2020 17:26

For those of you who seem to find it draconian to have a no phones in the bedroom rule for teenagers or who don't intervene until there is a problem- do you have any rules at all?

See this is what I mean, the inference that because you don’t take a phone away from a near adult you therefore have no rules at all and your offspring run riot and become a massive drain on society. Grin.

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