To not let my 16 year old have his phone in his room at night?

[Hyperbolistic]

Just discovered my DS has been hiding an old phone in his room to use after we've taken his phone at bedtime. We've taken it away now but he's not happy and claims his friends have theirs. I feel a bit torn as obviously he's 16 and not a baby, but I also want him to get enough sleep. AIBU to not let him have it?

YABU - at 16 he needs to be trusted to make his own choices. If he is going to stay up at night he'll do it with or without access to his phone.

@ItsJustARide

Mine started college now but when he was year 11 and doing mocks etc the phone went to charge on the landing at 10.30, no exceptions unless weekend/school hols.

We did this too. Worked really well.

The thing with self regulation is that almost everything on a phone is meant to try and defeat attempts to do it. Social media and games are both designed to be addictive, on exactly the same principles as a gambling machine at a casino.

It's not ever really recommended that adults keep phones in their rooms. But the ways in which the 16 year old brain are different from the adult brain are particularly vulnerable to that. It's partly why, for example, kids who take recreational drugs as teens are far more likely to have problems than people who begin using recreationally at 25.

For me the downsides are too significant and difficult to guess at. Lots of parents have been shocked to discover their teen boys have porn addictions (because guess what, they don't ask their parents for help with that), or gaming addictions, and it's not easy to fix. Changes to the brain which it is still developing can be difficult to overcome, and people who become addicts are often never able to use computers normally again without the fear of getting pulled in. They are finding they need someone to monitor them long term.

Mine had there's in their rooms (dd was boarding but that age and school let them have phones) but if I caught them using them late they knew they would have them taken. My 16 they should be able to self discipline when it comes to bedtime etc - after all a generation ago most would have been working!

YABU - I'd be more concerned that rules I had made resulted in him lying to me. 16yo should be able to regulate their phone use themselves. If he lies about a phone he'll lie about lots more and I'd hate that.

YABU he’s 16.

YABU OP.

@HappySonHappyMum

YABU - I'd be more concerned that rules I had made resulted in him lying to me. 16yo should be able to regulate their phone use themselves. If he lies about a phone he'll lie about lots more and I'd hate that.

So no rules the kid might break, because the rules make him lie?

@AlexaShutUp

I think by 16, the focus should be on encouraging self regulation rather than control. He will be an adult in 2 years, so he needs to be able to manage stuff for himself.

If he stays up late chatting to his friends one night, he will be tired the next day. That's how they learn.

It would be different if he was younger, but by this age, I think you have to start letting them take a bit of responsibility for their own behaviour.

I'm the same. It does work.

'He's 16, not 6. YABU.'

This!

Oh op, by 16 you really should be backing off a little with the confiscating. I agree it is appropriate on younger teens when they perhaps can't self manage but honestly at 16 it is very ott.

I think 16 is too old for this....Give him a chance to self regulate. If hes shattered or missing college work,then step in. Hes nearly an adult.

@Tinythumbelina

Same here DCs14 & 18

Wow! That's just ridiculous! I'm glad your not my mum, your poor adult kid!

He's 16 for God's sake

@Anydreamwilldo12

Bloody hell @ pp not letting their 18 year old having a phone in the bedroom. They're an adult.

My thoughts too

An 18-year-old not being allowed their phone is madness

Says a lot about my childhood when my first reaction is "but how will he watch porn then?"

'An 18-year-old not being allowed their phone is madness'

It is madness. These kids will be the sort to go off the rails at uni when their parents have used confiscation as a way to guide their poor kids.

I suppose it is "controlling " but surely parents control other aspects of their children's lives too? Is it also controlling to ask them to eat with the rest of the family, to switch lights off, to lock the door, to be quiet when others are sleeping, to have regular showers? Regardless of who you live with there will be rules you need to follow, especially when you are still under 18 and your parents are responsible for you.

And why does he actually need his phone in his bedroom all night?

'Is it also controlling to ask them to eat with the rest of the family, to switch lights off, to lock the door, to be quiet when others are sleeping, to have regular showers'

No no, that is parenting. As is teaching kids how to manage things like their phone usage.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Is it also controlling to ask them to eat with the rest of the family, to switch lights off, to lock the door, to be quiet when others are sleeping, to have regular showers'

No no, that is parenting. As is teaching kids how to manage things like their phone usage.

Yes so teaching them that it's a good idea not to use their phone at night is parenting.

If he cannot come up with a more original line than claiming his friends have theirs, he is too young. In any case, peace and quiet, avoiding or reducing addiction to a phone, not pestering a young woman (or worse), all seem good reasons.

@Nonamesavail

I'm shocked people do this with 17yr olds though?

It's something we have done since Y7, they have never questioned it, so I'm not planning on encouraging them to take their phones to their room.

I think they actually like switching off and having some non-screen time. My DH does the same thing, leaves his phone downstairs charging. It has been shown to be much better for sleep to not have phone in room.

Some of these responses are harsh - if the OP had posted saying he’d been up to no good on it (I’m sure he’s not, op!) everyone would be telling her off for not ‘parenting’ him!

I do think it’s a tricky stage. I don’t think it’s a bad idea if he’s year 11, but my worry with this is that when kids get round this rule (and they do) if they do run into trouble, they sometimes then don’t want to ask for adult help because they are worried about getting into trouble for breaking the rule in the first place, if you see what I mean. At 16, and for most of the teen years, I think the relationship needs to move away from discipline and towards friend, to a large extent. Whether they are out alone at 2 in the morning and spent their taxi fare on alcopops or they are having hassle from a weirdo on Instagram, you want them to be able to come to you.

It’s not easy op, you obviously care

My year 11 has his in his room, he’s not a baby. He’s doing well at school and is very well behaved so no issues. I’m a bit surprised people take them from 17&18 year olds!

'Yes so teaching them that it's a good idea not to use their phone at night is parenting.'

Yes it's the 'not letting him have it in his room' that I was referring to. I'm all for teaching and guiding.

My best friend at school had ridiculously strict parents.
She went crazy when she got a bit of freedom. Damaging crazy, no sexual boundaries etc.
It needs to be flexible and nurturing, self regulation is important.