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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is she mum shaming me.....?

234 replies

Inmyownwords10 · 16/11/2020 20:12

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife)
This year we both became first time mums.
Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

OP posts:
PenOrPencil · 16/11/2020 20:17

Welcome to the world of competitive parenting! Her bitchy comments say more about her than about you. If you value her friendship try a “smile and nod” approach and see if she gets the message, otherwise distance yourself. You’re suddenly very busy!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 16/11/2020 20:18

It’s sounds like she’s insecure in her own mothering choices and is trying to take you down with her, start reducing contact, stop replying to messages- your mental health is important and she’s not adding to it in a positive way.

FippertyGibbett · 16/11/2020 20:18

Tell her to fuck off.

Pembsgirl · 16/11/2020 20:18

Could she be jealous of you for some reason, maybe you've lost baby weight quicker than her, so she's trying to make you feel that she's a better Mum than you, to get back at you? Just a thought!

Anyway, you be Mum your way, and ignore her nasty jibes, she's obviously trying to belittle you for some reason of her own, so it's not your problem, it's HERS!

DNAwrangler · 16/11/2020 20:18

That sounds annoying. If you’re not close enough to speak to her about it, I’d say it’s time for a bit of distance.

If she was ok before kids then maybe she’s feeling a bit overwhelmed by becoming a mum and it’s coming out in a weird way...

Shinysilverlamp · 16/11/2020 20:19

Is she possible struggling and picking faults on your parenting to make herself feel better?

Whatever the reason is, I’d be taking a step back and not engaging anymore. If she asks about it I’d be honest with her and just say that the constant put downs are really hurtful.

Mrsjayy · 16/11/2020 20:20

I like FibbertyGibbets approach it is direct and to the point !

Mollyboom · 16/11/2020 20:20

She sounds a dick to me. Who has time with a newborn to make hummous and bread. Totally precious first born. Wait until the others come along and it will be space raiders and capri suns at dawn

MaskingForIt · 16/11/2020 20:20

She sounds under-confident and over-anxious. I’d limit what you tell her, for your own preservation.

If she asks what he’s eaten, say “ooh, I know you won’t approve, but he had XYZ”. Call her out on it before she says it.

KittenCalledBob · 16/11/2020 20:21

Come up with a sentence like "DH and I are happy with our choice and I ask you to respect that" and say EVERY time she comments on your decision.

Who has time to make their own hoummous FFS?!

Mrsjayy · 16/11/2020 20:22

If you don't put your foot down now it will be walking talking who is the cleverest (her kid) school uni jobs partners weddings houses grandchildren. Are you prepared for that ?

rosegoldivy · 16/11/2020 20:23

@fibbertygibbets has hit nail on the head.

Off you fuck... And then when you get there fuck off some more.

Cannot stand mums like this, it physically pains me 😴😴

DressingGownofDoom · 16/11/2020 20:23

@MaskingForIt

She sounds under-confident and over-anxious. I’d limit what you tell her, for your own preservation.

If she asks what he’s eaten, say “ooh, I know you won’t approve, but he had XYZ”. Call her out on it before she says it.

She sounds over confident and smug to me!
cameocat · 16/11/2020 20:23

You need to take your husbands advice and stop sharing all this information. You sound like you're doing an amazing job. I suspect she's struggling and trying to tell herself she's doing an amazing job but doesn't realise how it's putting you down. I wonder if she feels anxious and you are relaxed and appear to be doing incredibly well and she's jealous of that?

My SIL was fanatical about her children's food. If we were all staying at my parents my mum wasn't allowed to buy yoghurt or juice etc in case they saw it. Now they're 10 and 8 and refuse most meals except bread. I don't judge her for it as hindsight is a beautiful thing and at the time she had great intentions.

It is hard though if you were close. You sound like you're doing a great job!

Toilenstripes · 16/11/2020 20:23

“I’m not sure why you think you’re right since you’re also a first time mum!”

VettiyaIruken · 16/11/2020 20:24

Next time, how about saying X, it's not a competition. Straight to the point. 😁

Ladyks · 16/11/2020 20:25

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

It’s sounds like she’s insecure in her own mothering choices and is trying to take you down with her, start reducing contact, stop replying to messages- your mental health is important and she’s not adding to it in a positive way.
^^^ this 100%
TheStripes · 16/11/2020 20:25

I’d just ignore her. I’d also ignore the Ofsted report because they really aren’t what you should go on when choosing somewhere.

Jeschara · 16/11/2020 20:26

I feel sorry for her, she is insecure, and possibly jealous. Confident people who are happy in their own skin do not put others down for their choices.
Although being a outsider I can state the above, I have to admit it would really annoy me.
Please just enjoy your son, and dont let her bother you. You are not a rubbish Mum, you sound sensible.

Janaih · 16/11/2020 20:26

Agree with all other comments. Cut off her oxygen and her daft remarks will fade away.

OudRose · 16/11/2020 20:26

Just don't give her any information on what you're doing. FWIW lots of new mums go through this phase. If she was nice before then I'm sure she'll come out the other side; you'll probably even have a laugh about it one day.

Homemade bread 😂

JimmyTheBrave · 16/11/2020 20:26

Yeah, let's see how long she keeps that shit up. She'll be stuffing mini cheddars and chocolate buttons in to her daughter's hands before she gets to 2; I guarantee it.

bananamonkey · 16/11/2020 20:27

I made my own houmous recently, it tasted like crap.

TheProvincialLady · 16/11/2020 20:27

Give her the benefit of the doubt and the next time she says something say “I’m sure you don’t mean to, but you’re constantly criticising my choices about DS and it doesn’t feel very nice. You don’t have to agree with everything I do, just as I may not agree with everything you do, but you need to stop putting me down.”

If she does it again, just cut contact with her or keep it to the barest most distant minimum. She’s trying to make herself feel good by making you feel bad.

cameocat · 16/11/2020 20:28

I am a child of the 70's, my mum smoked and drank through pregnancy and I wasn't breastfed. I'm doing ok. I think focusing on limited sugar amd salt is absolutely the right place to focus. Your child isn't going to be damaged or think you loved them less because you didn't whizz up some chickpeas yourself.

If you want to be REALLY passive aggressive you could say 'I think spending one to one time and interacting with baby is just as important as diet so I do have to cut corners on some homemade things or that would become a secondary priority'.