Or is she mum shaming me.....?

[Inmyownwords10]

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife)
This year we both became first time mums.
Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

Just ignore it and be quietly smug when her PFB is 2 and will only eat fish fingers and Babybel

Honestly, this shit only happens if you let in it. I appreciate it's hard as babies (particularly first babies) are all consuming and it's one of the main things you have in common right now but you will look back on this in a few years and feel like a bit of a pleb for caring.

Don't talk baby shit with her beyond the basic inane pleasantries like your son is "good right now thanks". Don't rise to it, don't engage in it, don't feel threatened by it - simply do as your husband advised and ignore it. None of it matters, or will matter in a year or two.

I think this is all about her own anxieties rather than any judgement of you. When she brings up something similar again say something like “I’m not worried about that, are you? Are you feeling anxious about food choices/nursery whatever?”

@averythinline

People make their own choices...I did do organic hummus home made bread etc .... but that was my choice same as its your SIL She might not be insecure about her choices either... why is it bothering you so much? You make yours and be happy about them ...either don't talk baby stuff with her or just say thanks for info but I'm OK thanks

@averythinline

It bothers me because she’s always criticising my choices yet I never say aborning about hers.

I don’t comment about the bread / hummus making, I don’t tell her I think it’s ott that she only gives her baby organic foods, she won’t even feed her daughter daughter cheese because it’s processed.

I’ve never expressed my opinion to her on any of those choices yet she insists on giving me hers on my choices and it’s always to criticise me.

She’s insecure & trying to prove she’s a fabulous attentive mum
I’m afraid it’s all down hill,wait til you meet the mother superiors at baby groups and school

I don't think that she's purposely trying to make you feel bad. But she sounds like she is overbearing, insensitive and a know it all and a bore. You should stick up for yourself and tell her that you ruled out the nursery that she chose after someone else told you something. And you should not tell her what you feed your baby and what you do with him. You're oversharing.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

Yes. Yes she is.

After almost 20 years, my SIL is still an over-competitive mother. Except we’ve never gotten on well because she’s always been so arrogant and holier-than-thou, and she got worse when we both had kids. I ignore her – I don’t listen to her and I don’t engage.

Lots of good advice from others on here, especially the responses of MaskingForIt and FudgeBrownie2019.

Just ignore and at every time she says something just say we are happy with our choices and change the subject

If she messages you during the day a lot then just give bland responses

I’m guessing that she’s asking you what you’re feeding your DC and then criticising the food? I’d just say, ‘McDonald’s. We’re hoping he’ll manage a full Happy Meal by Christmas.’

🤣 please say this!

Pp is right stick up for yourself and your son it might cause some friction for a little while but it will blow over.

You need to make this stop now and be direct with her.

'Please SIL, your constant assessing of my parenting decisions is really getting me down, please stop commenting, I am happy with my decisions that DH and I make for our child and have no desire to be constantly analysed. Now can we please for the love of god talk about something other than babies.

And if she doesn't stop you can then say, 'How's your sex life, mine's simply amazing; would you like to tell me what positions you've tried recently so I can analyse whether you're doing everything in the manner I think is best!'

@twilightermummy

**Mollyboom

She sounds a dick to me. Who has time with a newborn to make hummous and bread. Totally precious first born. Wait until the others come along and it will be space raiders and capri suns at dawn**

This woman speaks the truth.

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

As for making own bread ye I think that’s OTT. But not all the advice OP’s been given is terrible.

Be direct. Make a stock phrase and repeat it, broken record style, every time she does this. If it's a question, so much the better, as it'll make her have to answer to defend her passive aggressive style. She'll back track, it'll be very uncomfortable for her, and she'll break the habit pretty fast.

Something like 'Do you think you've made a better choice than me/us, then?'

The point is the advice isn't advice it is criticism for not doing it 'my way'. There's many ways to approach something and they aren't all wrong bar one.

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

It takes more than 5 minutes to open a jar? Are you a T-Rex?

She's not yet mg to make you feel bad
She's trying to make herself feel good

It takes more than 5 minutes to open a jar? Are you a T-Rex

@ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

It takes more than 5 minutes to open a jar? Are you a T-Rex?

Dyspraxic

@GrumpyHoonMain - which pouches or jars are you using that take more time to open than opening and rinsing tins of chickpeas and blending them for 5 minutes?

I think you are right sleeping but if you're at the point of making yourself feel good by putting someone down then something has gone very wrong!

Just tell her that his lunch was a packet of haribos and his dinner will be a deep fried mars bar.

Seriously though, stop sharing much information with her. It gives her ammunition.

Sounds like she's just trying to help and share her experience of motherhood with you. It's ok that you parent differently

If you used to get along ok, and you need to keep running along for the sake of family harmony, may I offer you SIL bingo?

Assuming you’re meeting up with husband in tow, agree with him a list of phrases and key words - organic, home grown, shows we really care, aren’t you worried about organic phosphates and all the carcinogens, or whatever else you predict she will bring into conversation

Tick them off with him. Bonus points, you split the list between you, whichever one gets full house first has to have a sudden coughing fit (you may wish a different code in current times) and loser has to buy the next bottle of wine/back of crisps/change the next dirty nappy.

Takes the sting out nicely.

@cameocat

I think you are right sleeping but if you're at the point of making yourself feel good by putting someone down then something has gone very wrong!

Well indeed

@FippertyGibbett

Tell her to fuck off.

Came here to say this.