Or is she mum shaming me.....?

[Inmyownwords10]

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife)
This year we both became first time mums.
Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

Sounds like my sister. Good luck! Completely over the top competitive parenting imo.

She's the one with the issue, not you.

You really need to ignore her why she is doing it isn't that important is it? Just answer with that's nice dear and block her out keep doing what you. Are doing you don't have to tell her anything either.

It's tough. I got on with my sister in law until I had kids too. Then it was an endless assault on my parenting choices- I breastfed too long, I didn't let them have chocolate buttons at 6 months, I sent them to nursery not child minder, I held them too much, I didn't put her in a dress at Christmas, i let him wear a tutu to the shopping centre (what WILL people think?!) etc etc. Now my kids are 2 and 3 and they hardly ever see her. Big family occasions only. Because it was just too much. And it's easy to say ignore but when it is constant it is exhausting. I feel for you.

That sounds really wearing.

I’m guessing that she’s asking you what you’re feeding your DC and then criticising the food? I’d just say, ‘McDonald’s. We’re hoping he’ll manage a full Happy Meal by Christmas.’

Disengage. When she asks what he had for supper say "a lamb bhuna and three samosas" and dead-eye her til she breaks. When she asks which school you're hoping to go to say "Harvard Law because that's where Elle Woods went and I want her to be his hero". Just out-ridiculous her at every turn til she gives up. You can't be competitive when the other person isn't giving you answers you can compete with.

I know a Mum like this. She's a nice person, deep, deep down inside. But she cannot for the life of her shut the fuck up about other people's choices, so her friendships are limited. It's such a shame that the only way some people get their kicks is through doing-down others. There can't be a lot of joy in it.

Stop telling her so much.

What did you give your baby for lunch? Oh, you know, food.
Nursery? Still deciding.
Christmas presents? Oh some bits and pieces.

When she starts over stepping it’s perfectly ok to ask her why she’s interested and that she seems to enjoy trying to make you feel bad.

@Mollyboom

She sounds a dick to me. Who has time with a newborn to make hummous and bread. Totally precious first born. Wait until the others come along and it will be space raiders and capri suns at dawn

This!!! This made me laugh as I was quite PFB with food, although never made bread and thought shop bought hummus fine - this is a whole other level. One time my eldest was eating wotsits age maybe 2 and a half and a roughly 1yr old came up looking for some. I encouraged mine to offer and the mum swept in in horror, lest these evil snacks come near her child. I was about to get offended but then remembered I was that precious mum! And that most of us grow out of it.

That’s a long way of saying, since you got one before and if you value your relationship, just try to see this as she’s gone a bit bonkers for a while and try to ride it out until you’re both in space raider territory. Don’t allow it to make you feel shit - you sound themuch more balanced mum here. Like others have said, this pride seems to be a way of making her feel better about her own insecurities perhaps.

Every single time just reply with
“I’m happy with my choice” smile politely and change subject
She’ll get the message

@Inmyownwords10

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife) This year we both became first time mums. Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

The probably give the children shop bought bread.

Don't stress OP, some people become evangelical when they have their first baby and so obsessed with getting it "right" that they whip themselves up into an exhausting frenzy. Then when other people have it "easier" they justify their martyrdom by showing how much more of a better parent they are. It's hilarious really if you manage to look at it objectively. Particularly when they all end up eating the same (organic) snot and not so organic dirt/sand.

@FudgeBrownie2019

Disengage. When she asks what he had for supper say "a lamb bhuna and three samosas" and dead-eye her til she breaks. When she asks which school you're hoping to go to say "Harvard Law because that's where Elle Woods went and I want her to be his hero". Just out-ridiculous her at every turn til she gives up. You can't be competitive when the other person isn't giving you answers you can compete with.

I know a Mum like this. She's a nice person, deep, deep down inside. But she cannot for the life of her shut the fuck up about other people's choices, so her friendships are limited. It's such a shame that the only way some people get their kicks is through doing-down others. There can't be a lot of joy in it.

@fibbertygibbets read my mind

PFB syndrome can be quite serious (talking from experience). I guess she's just sharing her fears.
Ok, your views on parenting is different. The downside is that it would be tricky for you to share childcare, but no other downsides.

Don't take her comments personnaly. She might come back to a more relaxed attitude.

She's using you to make herself feel smug about her parenting. Everyone wants to feel like they are doing a good job, and some people do that by putting others down.

Ignore, or answer with the ridiculous things suggested by PP above, that would be hilarious!

Your husband is right. She's unhappy and doubting her choices in her quest to be perfect. Don't be so quick to respond to her messages. Tell her you are too busy knitting your organic free range lentils for baby Tarquin.

There is a lot of ego involved in parenting, the 'look at me, getting it all right' brigade. They will make your experience of parenting miserable if you let them.

Humbler parents soon realise that actually a lot of it is really about good genes.

She sounds insecure and trying to knock you down.

I'd one up her on everything. Tell her yours is doing mandarin lessons and is learning the piano at 18 months. And you're growing your own vegetables to make sure they only eat home grown.

I'd ignore her.

I disagree with you on nurseries though - I visit lots of nurseries with my job, the Ofsted reports are not the be all and end all. For my sensibilities the Good ones are often preferable to Outstanding ones.

She is mum shaming you. I have a 9 month old too, he has jam on toast most mornings. On 50/50 bread. For tea he has grated cheese, white spiral pasta and strawberries. It's her first, wait till she's on her second...it'll all go to pot. Pity you're not a SAHM (i mean this with tongue in cheek) because how great would it be to say 'you're worried about organic food but letting someone else raise your new baby 8 hours a day....'. I mean, if you think about it, she's worried about home made hummus but has chosen a nursery for a 9 month old baby...priorities all wrong.

Just tell her you have no interest in her opinions/ boring food stuff/ what she thinks and suggest a change of subject?
And start being dismissive, 'Oh you don't like the nursery DS will be attending? It won't be a good fit for every child. Perfect for us though'

Ask her to whip you up some home made bread and homemade hummus next time she’s making a batch.

@XherdanShaqiri

I'd ignore her.

I disagree with you on nurseries though - I visit lots of nurseries with my job, the Ofsted reports are not the be all and end all. For my sensibilities the Good ones are often preferable to Outstanding ones.

This is sooo true. Of schools as well as nurseries.

I make hummus too. It's nice but not like shop bought which is lovely. Annoyingly.

Just remind her that her organic, home-cooked-meal eating cherub will one day turn into a McDonald's Chicken Nugget/Greasy Kebab scoffing teen!

Don't sweat it Op.
She's a deluded tit!

Start placing bets on what she will try to out mum you on.

What flipperty said