Or is she mum shaming me.....?

[Inmyownwords10]

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife)
This year we both became first time mums.
Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

Ive had similar, i was told that i should be making homemade babyfood from fresh fruit and veg and similar things from someone who was a third time mum so was trying to give me the benefit of her experience. To be fair i know she wasn't deliberately trying to be superior but it got on my nerves, i was struggling enough to feel comfortable as a mum but this mase me second guess everything. In the end dp turned around and told me that we should be doing it our way and agreeing to disagree. In the end ds is a very healthy eater and will try most foods happily and there are no issues

Who has time with a newborn to make hummous and bread. Totally precious first born. Wait until the others come along and it will be space raiders and capri suns at dawn

🤣🤣

Why are you doing this to yourself? Either stop talking to her or stop giving her the ammo

The only question I have is why are you still talking to her?

My husband is so close to his brother, it would make it awkward if I just stopped telling to her.

She sounds embarrassingly insecure. I’d be telling her that you’re dead proud because today your baby managed to hold both his Greggs sausage roll and his fruit shoot at the same time. You’ve also decided that nursery is a waste of money and you’re planning to leave next doors Rottweiler in charge of the baby while you’re at work. Or whatever. I can’t be doing with this stuff.

Being a first time mum is hard enough as it is, sounds like she's trying to make herself feel better and justifying her reasons for being batshit. Tell her to fuck off and find someone else to go and compare with.

My husband is so close to his brother, it would make it awkward if I just stopped telling to her.

You are not responsible for your husband's relationship with his brother, and allowing your SIL to treat you like shit is you being a mug. Stop tolerating this nonsense.

**Mollyboom

She sounds a dick to me. Who has time with a newborn to make hummous and bread. Totally precious first born. Wait until the others come along and it will be space raiders and capri suns at dawn**

This woman speaks the truth.

My SIL was like this. It turned out she had awful PND and she nearly went over the edge. She was so tightly wound at some stages, it was insane.

I would stop sharing so much detail about your lives with her and just be a bit vague and cheerful, and try to not to take it to heart. She might need more support than you realise.

Sounds to me she's not that confident as a parent and tears you down to make herself feel better.

Tell her to knob off and stop telling her things or make stuff up to make her head explode.

@Inmyownwords10

*The only question I have is why are you still talking to her?*

My husband is so close to his brother, it would make it awkward if I just stopped telling to her.

Just remind yourself she's not trying to make you feel bad, but make herself better about the bonkers and probably exhausting situation she made for herself.

And send her this... often!

"She messages me several times a day."

That would creep me regardless of whoever did it because I would feel someone was trying to check up on me. The more someone tried to get in touch with me the more difficult I would make it for them until they got the message.

I once had a clingy neighbour who was always wanting to invite herself in for coffee and a chat because she knew I WAH. I had helped her through a bad patch but the relationship had become abusive. It was time she stood on her own feet and found another friend. I stopped answering the door to her. When she accused me of ignoring her I told her that either I didnt hear her or it wasn't convenient because I had important things to do.

I would begin by cutting down on your responses to maybe once or twice a day. If she comments on this tell her that you have more important things to do than deal with trivia. If she doesn't get the message ration her to one reply every day or two days unless it appears an emergency.

OP, take a look at this thread, this is the kind of person she's destined to be - trust me no one wants to be "that mum" http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4077900-To-ask-what-s-the-most-toe-curling-OTT-boast-showing-off-you-ve-heard-from-a-parent-about-their-child

Also she's gonna feel like a prize wanker in a few years when she's packing sandwiches for his lunch. Make sure you turn and say "oh my, all that bread"

You're doing an amazing job. Don't let some trumped up little know it all let you think otherwise

If you got on before babies and she wasn't the sort of person who would try and make you feel bad then I would assume it is lack of confidence rather than deliberate or over confidence.

If you can I would continue relationship and say stock reply suggested earlier or awkward silence and hopefully she will get the message. But if it is making you feel bad about yourself distance yourself a bit. Dh can find another way to remain close to his brother until this passes.

Why are you even telling her what your child has to eat? You could be weaning him onto Big Macs and fries and it would still be none of her business.
Of course, there's no need to tell her the truth. I'd be inclined to go more-organic-than-thou and invent a macrobiotic superfood diet devised by a paediatric -nutritionist to maximise your child's brainpower. No, you can't share details; the nutritionist is oversubscribed, prohibitively expensive and you're already sharpening your elbows and thinking it's a competitive market getting into the top schools. Go on, you could have some fun with this.

Don't let it become the norm for her to use you to make herself feel better.
I'd honestly just do a patronising laugh every time she comes out with this shit. An almost mocking laugh, at her rather than with her. Patronise her back. 'Are you ok Hun? You seem overly invested in what I feed my son'. 'I'm sure my son will end up being a lovely person despite eating shop-bought hummus as a baby'. As a PP said, out-ridiculous her every time. Highlight her absurdity. She probably won't like it but that's just a bit tough.

@Bunniesitmustbebunnies

Ask her to whip you up some home made bread and homemade hummus next time she’s making a batch.

Problem solved

Meh, ignore her. She is insecure and projecting on you and trying to feel better by belittling you.

That would drive me mad. I have a friend a bit like this and another friend thinks she's really jealous of me so seeks to undermine me. I never rise to it I just brush it off and say, oh well, we're happy with our decision I'll let you know if I want any advice!

It must be insecurity of some sort from her. Is she an anxious person?

Well for starters a baby eating food that's healthy is good. Not everything has to be home made PLUS a lot of a supermarket things are just as good (my sons on a medicated diet iv soon become an expert and it's surprising ) the h20 fruit shoots literally have nothing in. So no she's just using loads of her time when she could be bonding with the Baby to try paint the perfect mum picture.
I'm on baby number 3 and he's 10mo. He eats just what we eat. Nothing special or anything! He isn't dragged up or eating unhealthy as I'm very careful of what we eat due to ds but his diet isn't picture perfect, sausage chips an veg, carrot sticks. Cucumber sticks. Celeriac mash and fries. He loves finger food atm but he's been fully weened since 6mo. Your first you learn with but by the time it's number 3 you have your own rules. He loves his fruit. He loves bread, cups of tea , he is such a monster when it comes to food BUT hv says he's super advanced, healthy and loved. What more do you want ??
Ignore her, sounds like she is jealous you've got the mum thing natural and she's trying super hard to paint a perfect picture and to cover up the cracks. Your his mum you know best. No competition were ment to help each other out ! X

Although not a mum, but an auntie and pretend auntie to multiple children of friends......
The friend who shouts the loudest (like your SIL) about her parenting choices and lifestyle is also the one, from what I see, who struggles the most. She’s very much an organic earth mother type - has a 5,3 and 1 year old. From the get go, like your SIL, was organic food only and was constantly putting all this organic food on FB and shaming anyone who put anything remotely not healthy near their children. As someone close though I knew she was always running herself into the ground making everything from scratch and still is. Organic only, breastfeeds all three children still (another thing broadcast frequently on FB) homeschools, only 20 mins of screen time a day, lots of natural play.....it’s all great and I admire her dedication but tbh her bragging on FB constantly and questioning others who use plastic toys and iPads and regular food is a total cover up for a mum who is in pain from the breast feeding, exhausted from having her kids all day with no external childcare/ early years setting (no preschools ever used- another humble brag) and who stays up all night preparing food that her children don’t even like much. But in her opinion if she doesn’t do this, she’s failing them and the FB posts are to make herself feel like she’s doing the right thing. I feel sorry for her. And have tried to reassure her that one biscuit or pack of crisps isn’t going to lead to an unhealthy life, nor is watching a film every now and again. A bit obsessed with research to put it bluntly.

OP I’m sure you’re an amazing mother. Your SIL is either just very smug or is extremely unconfident and puts you down to make herself feel better. Smile politely. Next time she questions your food, say something like “well the doctor checked him over and said he’s thriving and healthy”. “Oh he loves veggie sticks but they’re never going to fill him up, HV has given me excellent guidance and hummus is fine” “good for you, this is my baby and we’re doing great!” Or just outright say it’s not a competition you know!” Maybe a sarcastic “well you do have 6 extra weeks experience to me.....”
And with regards to the nursery comment - that’s just power play. You don’t say that. If you had a genuine concern you would actually say, not watch your family member put their child in. If she was really concerned then she needs to have the decency to tell you. She hasn’t - that says something. You go with your gut. If you like it and the people, you do it. Ofsted outstanding isn’t everything but it’s a dang good start!

Keep strong OP. Don’t give her amunition.

Oh well we will have to agree to disagree

Did you mean to be so rude about out nursery choice

Pull her up every.single.time

People make their own choices...I did do organic hummus home made bread etc .... but that was my choice same as its your SIL
She might not be insecure about her choices either... why is it bothering you so much?
You make yours and be happy about them ...either don't talk baby stuff with her or just say thanks for info but I'm OK thanks

@XherdanShaqiri

I disagree with you on nurseries though - I visit lots of nurseries with my job, the Ofsted reports are not the be all and end all.

Absolutely, I just referenced this as she was really digging at my choice over hers but I didn’t say anything to her about the place she’d picked.

OP,

These types are a fact of life once you have children.

Step back and step away.

Stop the daily texting.
Pull away.
Be less available.
People like this can spoil early motherhood with their bullshit.

@FippertyGibbett ...this response is what a lot of us would think.

When you can't avoid her, be vague and obtuse.

Tell her nothing.

I think women who choose to spend their early motherhood criticising other mothers are beyond sad.

Believe me, there is every chance this could continue through milestones, school, activities.

A huge PITA.

Just hang out with others.

Avoid.