Or is she mum shaming me.....?

[Inmyownwords10]

I’ve always gotten on well with my sister in law (Hubbys brothers wife)
This year we both became first time mums.
Our children are 6 weeks apart (my son is 9 months old)

My sister in law recently seems to be extremely critical of everything I’m doing and it’s starting to grate on me.

We’re both currently weaning our babies and she’s always telling me how her daughter only eats fresh organic food and nothing processed.

Now I completely respect this by she’s making comments about the fact that I have given my son bread.
I’m really careful with salt and sugar but she insisted on telling me how bad it is for him and that I should make my own.

I feel like my son has a good diet, lots of fruit and veg, very little salt and sugar but whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him.

For instance I told her we’d had some hummus with veg sticks and she Insisted I should’ve made my own as shop bought hummus isn’t good for him.

We did a family FaceTime over the weekend and we got talking about nurseries, I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”

The thing is the nursery we’ve picked had an outstanding offsted report, the one they’ve picked is rated good.
I haven’t thought to say anything about this as I completely respect we’re all different and all look for different things.

She’s really making me start to doubt my choices now and I’m starting to feel like a rubbish mum.

My husband has told me to ignore her and not take any notice but she messages me several times a day and prior to the babies we always got along well.

I can’t help but feel she is purposely trying to make me feel bad.

@HallieKnight

Sounds like she's just trying to help and share her experience of motherhood with you. It's ok that you parent differently

* I told her the one we’ve picked for my son and she shot it down saying they’d been to look around and they had concerns.

I asked her what they were and she said “oh it doesn’t matter, you’ve already decided there now but I’m surprised”*

How is that in any way helpful? Or advice?

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

That's not hummous! That's chickpea sludge!

Seriously OP, take any of the other advice on here, especially the "fuck off" advice, but chickpea sludge is a step too far!

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

That’s not hummus! That’s just smushed chickpeas

You have to add tahini, peel garlic, squeeze the lemon, measure out the olive oil...I don’t have a food processor either so more time consuming.
Ok it’s not something terribly time consuming but for the price it costs for a jar of tahini and the effort of peeling, chopping,
squeezing and measuring for what is usually a snack...what’s the point? The vast majority of store bought hummus’s are additive free with simple ingredients anyway.

It’s such a pathetic criticism from the SIL.

@Changechangychange

Tinned chickpeas drained and washed + food processor = 5 mins. It often takes more time to open a jar or pouch.

That's not hummous! That's chickpea sludge!

Seriously OP, take any of the other advice on here, especially the "fuck off" advice, but chickpea sludge is a step too far!

Lol snap! I’m glad someone shares the ick!

If you've ever seen Mrs. Brown you may know her catchphrase when someone is pissing her off she just says 'that's nice' in place of Fuck Off. I dislike the programme but I use the phrase with my brother and sil. I think they've copped what I'm doing which makes it even better.

Just wait untill she's got a fussy toddler to feed and we will see who is serving up potato waffles and turkey dinosaurs just to get the kid to eat something

Oh, she's a granola mum.

An extremely granola mum.

Just stop talking to her about what you feed your son/wash his clothes in/any other parenting choices. You'll just always be wrong otherwise.

If she doesn’t hesitate to criticise your choices I would be giving her a piece of my mind. I just couldn’t stand this OP and I don’t see any possible reason why you are entertaining her nonsense for a minute.

Treat her like a child I say, reward good behaviour (I.e. respond to her texts) and ignore bad. Either that or just completely blank her after giving her a bollocking.

I think she enjoys criticising you because it makes her feel better about herself, isn’t that the explanation for most bullies? None of her criticism is real, it’s all just a coping mechanism for her designed to make her feel like Mum of the year.

You are doing nothing wrong, you are being the best Mum you can be and you need positive people around you not this piss poor excuse for a SIL.

Start placing bets on what she will try to out mum you on.

yes! make a bingo card and (doesn't matter if she says it or not) next time you zoom or see her every now and then cross something off and then high-five your husband or something

Wait till they are toddlers, she won’t know her arse from her elbow it doesn’t matter if you feed them home made bread blessed by an angel, they all grow and thrive. Simply fire back ‘I haven’t got time I’m too busy feeding him,
Playing with him, loving him to be making my own bread’ obviously there’s nothing wrong with nuns who make their own bread, fair play to them but, There’s also nothing wrong with those who don’t. She sounds pathetic and she is tooting her own horn oh look at me I’m so wonderful. Shut it down next time if she makes nursery comments say ‘what works for your family doesn’t have to work for mine thank you’ a few sharp comments back she might shut her bread hole. You are not a bad mum, you are lovely and kind and don’t put other mothers down to make yourself feel superior.

Mums not nuns** although she definitely thinks she’s the latter

Oh, I had a relative exactly the same. I was starting to stress, get fraught and feel insecure. She once pounced on a good friend of mine whose baby was only about a month old, saying to her "how is your pelvic floor, are you doing your exercises?" my friend looked her straight in the eye and said -I'm not even doing my kitchen floor - So funny, and after that, I could just laugh/ ignore her.

she's just very insecure about her choices - hence trying to bring you down so she feels better about hers. I dread the time when your children go to school and she starts comparing academia/sports! I would just smile and say 'mm yes, ok'

There is a mum i know like this. Everything her child does, is way better than mine. If i make chocolate chip cookies, her's are made on mount Olympus with Zeus himself as chief taster. If my daughter did better at something (egg and spoon race) - its because we must have practiced and her daughter was tired as they were out the previous night watching Shakespeare in Latin at the Globe. Its tedious, but ive learned to smile and nod and tilt my head and look vaguely interested. Then i end with a 'cool!' and talk about something else. Tedious tedious tedious.

"whenever I tell her what he’s eaten, she tells me an alternative that I should’ve given to him." Don't tell her. Don;t engage in anything about the babies.

If you got on well before, continue to chat about what you talked about before. If she was a friend I would say if this does not work then drop her, but she is your brother=-in-law's wife so she is going to be in your life for a long time. Your kids are cousins. So just steer things away from topics you do not like to discuss, and should not need to discuss.

Plus only because you mentioned humus, and I am sure it can be fine, but I once saw a baby who was very allergic to it and blew up like a balloon, he was fine. But some foods I would say were not good for babies as young as nine months. (I think it is the sesame in humous, so i'd treat it like nuts).

@comeonbabyhauntmybubble

The answer is not to answer!

"What nursery have you chosen"

"We're still looking. We haven't decide yet"

"What did he have for lunch"

"Gosh I can remember. I just give him a healthy diet when he's hungry but we're so busy I don't memorise it"

"What did you do this morning"

"We played. Went for a walk - you know - the usual stuff"

Don't give her details she can then critique.

And if she critiques just respond "good to know" it's non committal and doesn't give how you feel away!

Or use my go to line

"Yeah... I don't love my kid that much!"

Said in a perfectly dead pan voice.

@ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble She probably realised op would get mad if she told her

I also had my child at the same time as my sister in law... Twice! The bit before you go back to work after mat leave is the most intense for comparisons. There is a lot more going on to make decisions about than when they are tiny.
It cuts both ways. There are times when I worried I upset my sister in law by making different choices than her because she may have considered them an implied criticism. You've got 2 decades of this ahead, (do you let them get their ears pierced / internet restrictions / apprenticeship Vs uni...) This is the most intense part though.
I'd advise pulling back a bit. Not "cut her out" but reduce texting from daily to when you have something to say. If it helps tell her you are reducing phone use (it is better for DC's language development if you want to be snide... Think it but don't say it) You don't need to say how specific you are being with reduced phone use!

*It bothers me because she’s always criticising my choices yet I never say aborning about hers.

I don’t comment about the bread / hummus making, I don’t tell her I think it’s ott that she only gives her baby organic foods, she won’t even feed her daughter daughter cheese because it’s processed.

I’ve never expressed my opinion to her on any of those choices yet she insists on giving me hers on my choices and it’s always to criticise me.*

Just ignore it, it sounds like she's a bit anxious or insecure and worried about being the perfect mum. If she was happy with her choices, she wouldn't feel the need to push them on you. Do whatever works for you. She's going to love having a toddler who will only eat anything beige, preferably covered in breadcrumbs and from the freezer...toddlers are notoriously fussy eaters.

Tell her she's win the gold medal in the baby Olympics
Home made bread and hummus- 🙄

I wouldn’t minimise what you tell her, I would just gently take the piss. Just jokingly ‘raise her’ each time, she will get the message that she is being ridiculous.

Eg “I take your hummus and homemade bread but I raise you that when I make it for DS I shall mill my flour and hunt and kill my own chickpeas“

“I take your chosen nursery but raise you that DS has already been accepted to Oxford”

“I take your organic food but raise you that I only feed DS vegetables that were watered with unicorn tears”

I agree with other posters that this sounds like she is insecure.

But that doesn't give her the right to be snotty to you.

"she messages me several times a day"
Would any of those messages be along the lines of 'What are you giving DS for lunch?' or similar? If so, might I suggest you respond with -

'Why do you ask? To tell me it's not nearly as good as what you're feeding yours, thus implying yet again how terrible a mother that makes me?'

You can leave out the 'yet again' if you're feeling nice.

And then just wait. You say you got on well before the babies, so hopefully she'll take this admittedly unsubtle hint to rein herself in (subtlety is overrated in this type of situation). She should not be using this method of dealing with her own insecurities.

Hey, I wish my kid ate half the things now I thought might not be great to give him when he was weaning. Some people need to reassure themselves that they're doing the right thing and make other people feel like shit in doing so... there could be lots of reasons for it. The bottom line is, you don't need it. I'd stop telling her. If she asks, just say, ah it's not that important is it? If she pushes it, you just say that she knows what she wants to do with hers, and that's great. Don't give her anything to criticize. It's a real shame as you could really have each others' backs through these months and years, but she's not the person for that role, that much is clear. Be vague, and unavailable.

Also, lolling at the language/phone thing. Oh the GUILT. (He turned out alright.)