To dump DP over his female friend.

[femalefriend]

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

I don’t see the problem with a close friend of the opposite sex - but if he’s closer to her emotionally than to you that doesn’t say much for the basis of your relationship . I’d not get back with him

Have you met her?tried to make a separate friendship or at least some basic relationship?or has she?
His involvement is a lot more than he is allowing himself to believe.they are enjoying an emotional relationship and he is not going to stop.you're probably not the second girlfriend who has walked,nor the 4th or 5th.
Walk away now.you're worth more than this.

Have you met her OP? She sounds like a piece of work posting the photos all over her social media knowing full well you'd see them.

I agree with everyone who says they wouldn't put up with this shit. Fuck being "cool"; there's isn't a regular friendship and it sounds like there are three people in your relationship.

And as for all the people saying they'd be fine with it if it was their boyfriend or husband, it sounds great in theory but I'd love to see the reality of you watching your partner regularly trot off for a cosy dinner with someone he's kissed a few times and is the only person he can truly be himself around.

*theirs not there's

He is learning nothing OP. Nothing at all.

It’s horrible for you. You have given him plenty of chances, spoken to him about it as an adult, he says he can see it isn’t appropriate but then fails to do anything about it.

It is the intensity of this friendship that is the problem. If would be fine if it were supportive of your relationship but it isn’t is it?

That’s the essential question here. Is this friendship supportive or detrimental to your relationship?

I have had male friends and can safely say that my role has always been to be supportive of their relationships. Whatever I say to them I would be happy to say in front of their partner because it is supportive - not something to hide! And I include their partner in any invitations too.

Going abroad with her would have been the last straw for me. She seems to have a hold on him and he is too easily led to see how damaging this is.

Leave them to it. He is emotionally immature. You deserve better.

I’m very sorry for your loss @joystir59

@BeanieB2020

I'm a lesbian and all of my close friends are women. We only meet up one-on-one as my friends don't know each other. We text every day, have regular dinners (when there's no COVID, now I just see one), stay overnight together.

With some of your attitudes, I'll have to pick between my friends and a relationship if I ever meet someone.

I'd always choose my friends. Relationships have a tendency not to last, so why give up lasting friendships for a jealous partner?

Relationships only have a tendency not to last until you find the one that does, and it's natural that as friends meet life partners and begin to make formal commitments to them then their friendships will evolve. It's absolutely not a question of dropping friends, but for most people very intense friendships are part of their juvenilia. 'Mates before dates' is great advice when you're sixteen or twenty-two but a bit immature when you're thirty-eight. I'd be interested to know how old OP, her partner, and the friend are.

@capabilityfrown

Have you met her OP? She sounds like a piece of work posting the photos all over her social media knowing full well you'd see them.

I agree with everyone who says they wouldn't put up with this shit. Fuck being "cool"; there's isn't a regular friendship and it sounds like there are three people in your relationship.

And as for all the people saying they'd be fine with it if it was their boyfriend or husband, it sounds great in theory but I'd love to see the reality of you watching your partner regularly trot off for a cosy dinner with someone he's kissed a few times and is the only person he can truly be himself around.

How does posting pictures of your holiday make you a piece of work? It was her holiday right?

I'm not saying the relationship is fine. I've only got the OP's perspective and they've both put obstacles in the relationship's way based on what OP says and so they were not comfortable from the beginning yet seem surprised when it isn't a raging success.

But how is someone putting their holiday pics on social media being a peice of work.

How does posting pictures of your holiday make you a piece of work? It was her holiday right?

It depends on whether she knows the OP is uncomfortable about it or not.

But how is someone putting their holiday pics on social media being a peice of work

Especially since OP and her boyfriend weren’t even together at that point.

Regardless of how the friendship is viewed, it appears to be pretty unanimous that you should dump him, OP.

@CounsellorTroiI I just don't see it. It was her holiday. Presumably this didn't happen Pre-Covid, this happened fairly recently.

I'd be uber excited if I went on holiday during these times and I'd be eager to put my pictures online (for the record I do not do this, or at least didn't before Covid), it would have nothing to do with my friend's ex-girlfriend (since that's who OP was at the time).

And before OP comes back and drip feeds that it was pre-covid. Some people outside of covid times are really excitable about their holidays, I don't get it but they truly are.

This is just a thought but I'm the superstar in my life, and I imagine the best friend is the superstar in the best friend's life. The OP is simply a recurring character, maybe a guest star (remember that time Sue Ellen was in Hollyoaks? - weird that I know about it since I don't watch it and weird that she was in it). There is no reason to assume it was anything to do with the OP and everything to do with BF.

Sorry for not replying all day, I've been out at work and only checked this thread now that I am home.

Thank you all for your replies.

We are all late 20s. I have met her a few times, not enough to really class her as my friend. She seems ok and she is single. To be honest, the times that I have met her, DP and her haven't really interacted all that much.

She knows that it has caused issues in his past relationship and she is aware that their friendship is causing issues in our relationship. DP and I have spoken further and he says she hasn't done anything wrong and that it is him who leans on her for emotional support, not the other way round. He has said he know he needs to make changes but it's not going to be easy for him.

I've told him that he either turns this friendship into a relationship or he stops having her as a close confidant. It's not about me dictating his friendships, it's the fact that while he is so close to someone else in such an intimate way that every time we have any issues his first reaction is to console in her, our relationship is never going to be prioritised.

@VinylDetective I concur, whether the relationship with BF and Best friend is on the up and up. Whether the OP is correct in not trusting them. It doesn't matter, as the OP is not comfortable with it and so shouldn't waste her time.

This is basically an emotional affair on his part.

You have no privacy or feeling of safety because you know that the slightest hint of dissent will lead to him running to her to air all your dirty laundry.

It stands to reason that you knowing that will make you more defensive and wary because you've been set up to be in a constantly outnumbered 2v1 situation, and you can't have a healthy relationship like that. Best case it's the same as if he was a completely codependent mummies boy. That's BEST CASE where it's literally just an innocent friendship on her part.

OK, this may sound a bit flippant and I am not making light of your issue at all OP- but does this not remind you of Friends, when Emily told Ross that he was no longer allowed to be friends with Rachel? Emily was not wrong in her instinct about that...

@femalefriend You're absolutely mad to continue this shit show.

How many ultimatums are you going to give him before you walk away?

You're wasting years on him.

This isn’t having a best friend of the opposite sex - this is an emotional affair.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, OP. Time to walk away.

I would end the relationship because he obviously likes her more than both his ex or you or he would have pulled back from her a bit. He lied by omission, he was ok going on holiday with her but not you. I wouldn't tolerate him running to her, discussing the intimate details of our relationship. I'm guessing he would be in a relationship with her but she's not interested but enjoys what she gets out of it. She obviously doesn't care about the women he is using for what he's not getting from her.

Sorry but that's how I see it and I would dump his sorry arse.

He has said he know he needs to make changes but it's not going to be easy for him. was this done in a poor little me, martyrdom voice?

Yanbu. This will lead to heartbreak if you don’t finish it soon. (Finish your relationship with him I mean)

I think you've allowed him to wreck your head and given him a lot of power in the relationship which won't make you feel good. Take back some of the power in the relationship by going out with male friends without him..find a male friend if you don't have any. Treat him as he treats you and give him a dose of the green eyed monster.

2 years you have wasted on a guy who spelt it out to you where his emotional needs were met.

Instead of focusing on trying to fix him OP, ask why you proceeded when he spelt it out for you and why you have being made a mug of for two years?

You are not his priority SHE IS.
He prefers HER.
SHE continues to give him what he needs.

Clearly she doesn't want him because the way he behaves she could have him in a minute.

Start focusing on yourself who is being made a tit out of, by the two of them.

You need to realise you deserve better.

YANBU OP.

Personally I'm fine with opposite sex friends (have male friends myself, don't mind DP having female friends) but I think it needs to come with a slightly different level of respect when there are also partners on the scene.

When my closest male friend and I were both single and went out for dinner/drinks I'd think nothing of linking arms with him walking from one place to another, or sharing one blanket watching TV on the couch. I wouldn't do that now neither of us are single. It just doesn't sit right.

I got a bit with DP at the weekend when he went to meet his close female friend for a few drinks while I was working [we don't live in England, no lockdown here].

Last minute arrangement for them so I only learned about it after the fact. I don't think it would have bothered me that he didn't let me know his plans had he met his male best mate, but for a reason I can't put my finger on it did a bit because it was a female friend, despite my having 0 concerns about anything untoward.

Anyway we talked about, it hadn't crossed his mind but when I spun the scenario round he agreed that he'd also be a bit so hopefully we're on the same page from now on.

In my 20s I had a lot of close male friends but if they had girlfriends I was careful not to put myself in a position that could be misconstrued/cause strife. They're both behaving badly.