To dump DP over his female friend.

[femalefriend]

When DP and I first got together, he opened up a conversation about his female best friend. The reason he initiated the conversation is because this female friend had caused lots of issues for him in his last relationship. He told me that he uses this friend as a confidant, she is the only one he can really be himself around without judgement, they go out for dinner, drinks, nights out. They also kissed on an occasion when they were teenagers. He wanted to know my thoughts as his ex had not liked this friendship and it was one of the contributing factors for them splitting up.

I was honest and said I don't think most women would like to idea of their DP regularly opening up to another woman, going for dinners, going for nights out just the two of them etc. It wasn't something I felt overly comfortable with and could understand why his ex didn't like it either. He said he understood my position and was happy to adapt this friendship into something that wouldn't cause anymore issues for him. Fine.

There have been a couple of instances now relating to this friend. In the first instance, they went for dinner one evening, he never told me about it and I found out much later down the line. This caused an argument as I felt he had lied in the first instance by pretending to be happy to adapt his friendship, and also indirectly lied by not telling me about it.

Every time we go through a difficult patch this 'friend' seems to appear in a big way. After we had an argument about something unrelated he went on a night out with her after work, then booked tickets for them to go to a concert the following weekend together.

Recently, we split up and within 2 weeks he had booked a holiday abroad for the two of them to be away for 4 nights together, staying in separate rooms in an apartment. She posted photos of their holiday all over her social media accounts, knowing full well I, our friends/family and everyone else would see them. To add insult to injury, I had asked him so many times for us to go away together and he kept saying he was worried about covid. He said he only went on the holiday as he was so upset over losing me and needed an escape.

We then decided to get back together and he said he knew he couldn't continue with the friendship in the same way after everything that has happened. After the nights out, dinners and especially the holiday he knew it was inappropriate and he knew he needed to put me first from now on. This was one of the reasons I even agreed to give him a second chance. It has now been 3 weeks and he is saying it will be very difficult for him and it's easier said than done giving up a friendship like that...

AIBU to dump him and not get back together again?

@lovemusic33 I'm intrigued why you didn't want to meet the best friend and why you would have been uncomfortable further down the line with her? I met all of DH's friends, male and female, as we naturally met up with the various social circles. I can't imagine specifically not wanting to meet any of them.

Ps - people get emotional support from friends! You shouldn’t just use your partner for that. What’s the point of a best friend if they don’t support you?!

One of my very best friends is a man - we met on our first day at university. We studied abroad together and later on I was his best man at his wedding and godmother to his first child. His wife and my husband were both very relaxed and happy about our friendship and we often spent weekends together. I love his wife as a dear friend. Me and him regularly meet up after work just the two of us for dinner and drinks.

There’s no secret about it. There’s never been anything between us except a deep friendship - we have helped each other through lots of very difficult times. Our partners never had a problem with our friendship. We would never have lied or failed to mention or hidden the fact that we were meeting up.

It’s hard for me to say whether he’s done anything wrong - did he not tell you because he thought you’d have a problem with it? Ultimately you do have a problem with it and don’t trust him.

I round personally never ask a partner to choose between me and a very old friend. And I think it would be a very sad world where adult men and women can’t be really close friends. My life would be much the poorer without our 38 year friendship.

@Bluntness100

Op you can’t change who you are. You jealous and insecure because she’s female, if it was a bloke your reaction would not be like this

Yes I think you need to end it, it is not right to dictate he can’t have friends of the opposite sex.

Op you can’t change who you are. You're jealous and insecure because she’s female, if it was a bloke your reaction would not be like this.

Yep, totally agree with this. Maybe you do need to end it. I doubt she's going away any time soon.

You made it clear you were uncomfortable with their friendship from the start and he promised to adapt in order to make you feel more comfortable. This actually meant he’d carry on like normal but lie to you about it.

He’s now lost two relationships due to this friendship, perhaps he should just consider a relationship with her since they’re practically in one anyway...

@YoniAndGuy

I always chuckle when a woman says this. What does that even mean? “Blokes” aren’t one group all sharing the same characteristics, sense of humour, opinions etc.

it generally means the kind of person who is not good at friendships, for all sorts of reasons, and so hides behind the 'mask' of being slightly 'other' - the woman in among the men, or the man among the women. It provides a useful barrier to real interaction while providing social discourse. It's also a classic way for the insecure to get to be 'special', to be nice about it.

It means I don't have to put up with these snarky dickhead style comments actually.

@Ohdear2020

Ps - people get emotional support from friends! You shouldn’t just use your partner for that. What’s the point of a best friend if they don’t support you?!

Of course they do but generally partners don't announce that the best friend is the only person they can truly emotionally open up with.

Would you be as bothered if his best friend was a man and he went out for meals, concerns, holidays etc? Would you be bothered if he confided his problems with a male best friend? Everything you have stated is what I do with my best friend (female) so that in itself is not unreasonable. It seems the problem is that you are jealous or insecure about his relationship with another woman. Their relationship sounds quite platonic to me, especially if they didn’t share a room during their holiday.

It seems unfair for him to lose his best friend because you are uncomfortable with their relationship. How would you feel if you had to sacrifice your best friend because your partner didn’t like how close you were?

It's fine to end a relationship for any reason.

If my partner was hiding interaction with a friend the way yours did with this woman, I'd be concerned. If my partner was aware that his relationship with this friend ad already negatively impacted and ended previous relationships and still preferred to prioritise the friendship, well, his choice of course, just as it would be my choice to say goodbye to him.

It he refused to go on holiday with the op.

And lied about seeing his friend.

So those two alone are enough reason to. E properly cheesed off.

She's one of those men's girls...definately not a girls' girl. She dosn't want him but dosn't want anyone else to have him either. Why the fuck don't they just get together properly? She likes the power i rekon.
And he's just as bad for not having the balls to tell her to back off. Weak man likes having his ego stroked.

@Jroseforever

There’s nothing stopping them from getting together

And yet they haven’t

I suspect she doesn't want him romantically, and he's hanging around with her in case she changes her mind. Bet she's enjoying the attention as well.

And all the while he's seeing her as the one he confides in, etc, etc, he won't be able to commit to any partner, not just OP. Because your partner is the one you confide in, share fears with, and all the other really intimate stuff.

Then add in the lying about meeting up with this friends and it's a recipe for disaster.

OP, I agree with the others, bin this one off. He doesn't want to commit to you.

There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex but there has to be respect and transparency involved, and there's none here.

I cannot be the only person who confides in my dp before my male friends and put him before others, male or female? That is not your dp.

It's OK that he has female friends, that isn't the issue, however they do sound a little too close for comfort. He shouldn't say that she is the only person he can be himself with. Do you think he has feelings for her or vice versa?

@Faultymain5

It means I don't have to put up with these snarky dickhead style comments actually.

Yes! Exactly that

Nobody within that setting will ask you for anything you are not entirely comfortable with, or require you to carve out a space for yourself which can't be, if you choose, the 'cipher'.

I know a woman with late-diagnosed autism, and I remember a super interesting conversation with her where she said that until she hit her forties she chose to gravitate towards male friendship groups, as the pressure to forge links based on revealing one's personality was absent in that setting. And not in a 'blokes are soooo uncomplicated and non-bitchy, haha!' way - male friendships aren't necessarily any simpler, and not in a 'token woman with the boys flocking round her!' way either. But in that setting, she could sit quite comfortably behind the barrier of 'female' and that was enough 'character' - she wasn't asked to justify her place in the group based on other, hopefully interesting and engaging, parts of her character. Whereas with female friendships, being female in itself wasn't at all distinguishing, and others in the group would naturally look to characterise her on more than that. Which she found stressful and exposing, so she didn't do it.

I can completely see this.

I have never heard of a close female/male friendship that didn't develop into something more unless:

A) he or she is homosexual
B) they are friends as part of a big group
C) one of them is very unattractive

Trust me, in a few years you will look at his social media and he will be living with /married/ have a child with this woman. I've seen it so many times.

You’re not insecure Op. He’s a dick.

What I find interesting here is that he has disclosed the fact that this friendship was a contributing factor to a previous relationship breaking down. I am not clear on whether he explained how he tried to reassure the partner or do anything to mitigate it or just brushed it all aside.

For me this isn't even about the detail of what he is or isn't doing with a female friend.

He's told you he's inclined to carry on doing things regardless of whether it upsets his partner. In some cases, this is reasonable - of course. But it occurs to me that while it is the female friend this time, it could well be something different over time. Don't expect him to change behaviour that upsets you, is what he seems to be saying. If he thinks it's reasonable, he'll carry on doing it regardless.

Sounds like a massive stubborn/selfish streak. It could be specific to this friendship but maybe not only.

If it is specific to this relationship then what he's saying is for now this relationship is his most important one. You happy with that?

[quote YoniAndGuy]@Faultymain5

It means I don't have to put up with these snarky dickhead style comments actually.

Yes! Exactly that

Nobody within that setting will ask you for anything you are not entirely comfortable with, or require you to carve out a space for yourself which can't be, if you choose, the 'cipher'.

I know a woman with late-diagnosed autism, and I remember a super interesting conversation with her where she said that until she hit her forties she chose to gravitate towards male friendship groups, as the pressure to forge links based on revealing one's personality was absent in that setting. And not in a 'blokes are soooo uncomplicated and non-bitchy, haha!' way - male friendships aren't necessarily any simpler, and not in a 'token woman with the boys flocking round her!' way either. But in that setting, she could sit quite comfortably behind the barrier of 'female' and that was enough 'character' - she wasn't asked to justify her place in the group based on other, hopefully interesting and engaging, parts of her character. Whereas with female friendships, being female in itself wasn't at all distinguishing, and others in the group would naturally look to characterise her on more than that. Which she found stressful and exposing, so she didn't do it.

I can completely see this.[/quote]
This is very interesting and perceptive.

No. If there were any issues, they were due to him and his ex. Just like the issues in your relationship are due to either you, or him.

Well so far the common denominator in his two most recent failed relationships is his friendship with this woman. It is starting to look like a pattern.

I can see both sides of your argument but nothing you have said has suggested that this woman has done anything wrong other than have a close friend who is of a different sex than her, and do completely normal friend things with him, like go for food together. You haven't said that she sends him naked photos of her or introduces him as her boyfriend, or insults you behind your back or anything in the least bit inappropriate!

'Not sending naked photos' is a low bar to set for inappropriate behaviour! He sees her as his confidante, the only one he can truly open up to. He holidays with her when he won't holiday with his girlfriend. And yes, I know the holiday came after the breakup. It's not the holiday in itself, it's the fact that whatever reasons he had for not holidaying with his girlfriend disappeared when it came to holidaying with his friend.

There are close friendships, and then there's putting your partner after your friends. This sounds to me like the latter.

The problem is not that the friend is female. The problem is that the friend ends up weighing in on every disagreement and then doing fun stuff with your partner that the two of you should be doing together. It is fine to have a partner who has a hobby that they go off and do with other good friends or to have old friends they meet up with socially,

A confidant who gets involved in your domestic arrangements and gets rewarded with expensive treats whenever they stick by your partner in a disagreement is a problem.

I'm sure I remember you posting about this before. You were right to finish it first time round, you've given him another chance and he's still playing silly buggers. Leave him to it op, life is too short to put up with this bullshit

A person's self-esteem would have to be on the floor to put up with being second place in emotional terms to their partner's best friend. That's not jealousy or insecurity.

The thing is you don’t need to justify what works or doesn’t work for you in a relationship. Your limits and boundaries are yours and yours alone.

It wouldn’t be for me. But then I think dh and I are unusual in that we are each other’s best friend. We turn to each other when we’re put out/upset/annoyed and work things out. I’m sure there are lots of people who would find that claustrophobic and dump us, but together we work.

Sad little prick who gets off on the idea of women fighting over him

I'd have left him to it.