Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

I don’t really get it. You clearly detest the man- and if he is abusive (which you say he is) then you have good reason- and have stated you want a divorce. What is stopping you from going ahead with that?

Are you holding out for some sort of Damascene conversion? One where he sees the error of his ways, declares his undying love and becomes a loving, devoted, model husband? You know that won’t happen.

Or do you want him to end it for some reason?

I think you should ignore his mystery deadline. It’s an irrelevance, as is his (understandable) statement that if your marriage is going to fail, he doesn’t want it to drag on for years and that part of that reason is do he has the opportunity to meet someone else and start again. It’s blunt, but not unreasonable in and of itself. But it should not change anything for you- you have to decide what YOU want.

If a divorce is what you want, then start that process.

Please contact Womens Aid for support AND get yourself along to see a local Solicitor who specialises in family law.

By several counts (maggots anyone?) he is controlling & coercive, & this is domestic abuse - grounds for you to divorce him.

That he is a copper? Goes both ways in the telling. You may fear that he rubbishes you to his colleagues, if so they may hear a controlling authoritarian sounding off about his wife.

Playing fantasy family law specialist, would I find it credible that a spouse who enacts the authority of the law may have abusive behaviours in the home? Yes, I would, because DA occurs in all walks of life & to all sorts of behaviours.

BTW as others have said, financial settlements are determined by a variety of factors.

The time has come for you to close this relationship down.
Take control, take action.

I don't think he is necessarily unreasonable to want a decision to be made -dragging it on and on is not good for anybody. Not telling you his deadline is not exactly helping because you've no idea how long you have to think things through.

That said,you have mentioned divorce before to him. It sounds to me as though this marriage is over, deadline or not. If I were you, I'd get my ducks in a row and make plans to leave asap. You are doing your dc no favours staying together.

But he doesn't want to start a new family.

It's just a spiteful little attempt to up the ante on the situation. To get an extra new dig in disguised as a 'reason' to bring this up to you.

Ignore it, and everything else he says. Just ignore. It's spite and nastiness from a nasty spiteful person and what you need to do is raise your eyes above that, to the horizon where there is a life Without Twatty Face!

Yes of course you are scared.

BUT.

First thing - there is no 'what he will give you as a settlement. Bwah hah hah, I don't think so. What you do is get a lawyer, file for divorce, and THEY decide, or rather the courts if an agreement can't be reached. Your marital assets belong EQUALLY to both of you and that includes his salary and his nice fat police pension. Payment out of the settlement at the end is a possiblity, if you are skint. In fact - do that first. Get recommendations if you can, and go see the most rottweiler solicitor locally (or reasonably locally) you can find, and have an advice session. That will be real knowledge = power.

Secondly, if you are scared of his reaction, say nothing yet. Get your ducks in a row - proof of all assets, see solicitor - sort out what you want to do - and then tell him with someone else present, ideally. It's usually advised that you stay in the house, but if you need to leave, then do - with the kids. Could you stay with someone?

It can all be done, and a lot of it can be done without actually having to talk to him or discuss anything much now without it being in an official setting.

And - this morning's little gem. Next time HE brings it up - you calmly answer yes. I would like a divorce, I'm glad you think so to. (Make damn sure you've bagged the best local solicitor before this happens...) Then when he throws his nasty shit at you in a fury, you don't bite. Yes, good point. We'll both need to move on, I agree this should be sorted as soon as possible. Yes, the children will be affected but I believe it's better than the current situation.

Honestly one of you needed to say this you are drifting years fly by and before you know time has run out for BOTH of you .

He's right, and very honest.
You both aren't happy, why prolong the agony.

I struggled to divorce my abusive husband because I was worried about raising my daughter in a ‘broken home’.

Several colleagues told me that either, they wished their mums had left earlier or they were so glad she had divorced.

Not one told me, I’m glad my mum stayed ‘for the kids’. It’s a toxic environment to raise children in,

That was the exact phrase my ex used - 'while we're young enough to start again'. He of course meant - 'while I'M young enough to start again', as he already had someone else waiting in the wings.

Op, I understand your fear of change, uncertainty and upsetting the status quo, even though it can be thoroughly miserable place to be. Stop focusing on whether he's being abusive talking about divorce this is just a distraction - you have mentioned divorce yourself many times! , think about where you want to be and make a start on getting there . Your children are I'm afraid already living in a broken home there's no way this is going to fix from what you say. Personally I'd listen to @Bluntness100 and @WorraLiberty.

Who is he trying to kid anyway, other than himself? He's no catch, given the way he treats you, AND is mid-40's. He should be putting his thoughts into retirement, not starting a bloody family!

Sounds like he’s trying to call your bluff. Show him you weren’t bluffing. (Seriously, how tiresome for you, could you get moved out by Christmas?)

TBH I think what he is saying makes sense. Sounds like neither of you are happy - both threatening divorce at different points. Just make the decision to split or continue but if you do carry on with the marriage, to not use the the word ‘divorce’ again, as you’re both using it as a stick to beat each other.

How clinical of him. I don't think I would feel secure enough to stay married to a person like that. It sounds very damaging to be around. Is he very good looking, or good in bed, or very rich or something, that makes you want to stay?

It is not abusive to threaten an abusive man with divorce when he’s abusive to you, no. Only someone really dim or who understands fa about da would argue otherwise. It takes long time for some women to gather the courage to turn the threat into reality

This is some deeply unpleasant stuff. I’m not here to fight her battles but she clearly said constant threats COULD be abusive. Not in this situation the op was abusive.

Anyone I’m not responding to you further. It’s not worth it.

My mum has put up with my dad's low level emotional abuse for 50 odd years now, she left briefly 25 years ago but came back and stayed, she almost left again about 5 years ago then changed her mind - it's horrible to witness it still happening as an adult child, but I don't intervene as I worry it will come back on my mum.

It could be coincidence, but among my siblings and me we've all had mental health issues, dysfunctional relationship issues, and eating disorders.

Just to add - divorce is traumatic too of course, but I feel like doing it now while your children are young would be better then in 5 years or so, by then they would not only have 5 more years of unhappy mum but also 5 more years of your currently family dynamic that will be that much harder to unpick.

@TatianaBis

Constant raising the issue of divorce can also be abusive

Defending abusers and labelling the victim abusive again are you?

You took one line out of my entire post to suit your narrative and in fact I was agreeing with what another poster said.....I don't know where you get the view that I am defending abusers...and you say again
What else are you referring to?

Most of my post was commenting on what others said...I didn't know what the pizza thread was about and I don't go searching previous threads before commenting.

All that said..he has every right to ask the OP to decide if she's in or out of the marriage, so they can both move on. There's nothing unreasonable about that.

He sounds difficult to live with.
I haven't RTFT just OP's his statement is to leave you hanging.
Your confidence is shattered.

He's trying to force you to make a decision. He clearly doesn't want you to leave, but he's telling you that he can no longer cope with the uncertainty and that he no longer wants to be strung along. The fact that he has mentioned a timetable but won't be specific indicates that he's trying to be assertive, but neither does he want to be the one to lay down a deadline. It's a bit of a weak threat. I don't think that he wants you to leave. I think that your anxiety is a bit irrelevant to the argument. You're the one who is being indecisive and messing him around. I don't think that there was anything wrong with what he said tbh.

Sandy - your whole post was in the same tone. You’re lucky I focused only on the silliest of your comments, it could have been worse.

Not sure if Bluntness is your sock puppet or your mate.

@TatianaBis

Rude!

If it wasn't for the gaslighting and anxiety already mentioned, i'd be on his side.

you keep saying you want to leave, have left in fact, but won't make a solid decision. constantly having it hanging over you that your partner wants to leave but won't cant be much fun.

he obv doesn't want it to end else he'd go, and stands to lose access to his children for most of the week so even less incentive for him to go.

however if he has a history of playing mind games, it seems reasonable to assume he's trying to push you into something - either leaving so he's the poor husband whos wife abandoned him, or giving up thoughts of leaving, knowing it'll make your anxiety worse. And that's why you're friends are pissed with him.

You clearly arent happy, i'd tell him that and work out how to best split

You know what he is so you don't need further confirmation. Leave.

Sounds like you both want a divorce so get one.

I moved back nine months ago and have been trying my best to work things out. It’s been ‘hanging over his head’ by virtue of the fact that the marriage is hard to repair, not me talking about divorce (which I ha ent mentioned for well over a years now).