Should I think my husband is awful for telling me he wants a decision on our marriage to be made in time for him to meet someone else and start a new family?

[Kerals26]

Earlier this week my husband informed me that he was ‘getting to the end of his tether’ with our marriage/my behaviour and wanted a decision to be made on divorce. He claims he has a ‘deadline’ in mind for making a decision but won’t tell me when that is. He said he doesn’t want to stay in a marriage that isn’t going to work, and miss out on being young enough to start again with someone else (he’s mid 40s). He also said he is very committed to working on our marriage and really wants to work things out and stay together.

Up to this point it’s always been me that has raised the prospect of divorce, as I’ve found his (usually low level) emotional abuse very draining and damaging. I have left him once before too, to see if a separation would help.

When I relayed his comments to some friends this week they were disgusted that he would tell me his motivation for the timeframe/his desire to start again. I didn’t really clock his behaviour as being as bad as my friends perceived it. Am I being unreasonable to think he is within his rights to make this sort of comment? He’s gaslighted next so much over the years and I have put up with so much that I think I might now be desensitised to his behaviour. Would you think your spouse was well out of line for saying this?

What I did take issue with was his telling me he had a deadline but refusing to say when that was. That has made me feel very anxious (and he knows I suffer with clinical levels of anxiety) and under an awful lot of pressure. I suspect this is why he mentioned it, to have this effect on me.

I didn’t even register he was out of order for rubbing my nose on the new family/threat

He didn’t though suggest he would have another family just he’d wish to meet someone else. Which is natural and correct. This doesn’t mean he’d neglect his kids. But you would hope you’d both meet someone else.

A lot of what you’re saying is things you’reperceiving to be a threat. You think he would be come physically violent to you and your children if you said you were leaving, yet he’s never been physically violent before and you say it is low level abuse.l and it seems he’s now the one saying he is happy to divorce. You may be right he is a physical threat to you and your kids , but it could also be wrong and he wouldn’t be.

You are also scared if he met someone he would neglect his children, again this may never come to pass, he could easily involve them in any new relationship he has.

Financially yes, you need to get this sorted, as you’re wholly reliant on his income now. Unless he’s very senior in the police, he’s not earning a huge base salary, so no there would not be much left. But you would be entitled to benefits. You need to step up here and understand your own financial position going forward.

As pps said, you need to stop imagining worst case and act. Because all the time you’re sitting imagining worst case, time drags on and it gets worse, and your kids are living in this environment.

So calling a solicitor, calling women’s aid, whatever it takes, you need to do it, to get yourself to act. Because if you don’t, he’s about to pull the rug from under your feet and do it for you.

Bloody hell OP LTB.

While I do think that people are not BU for considering their possible chances of meeting someone else and having a family when contemplating the end of relationships, this man is a twat.

Get out while you have more time to consider your options and be grateful you escaped a lifetime stuck with him!

@Kerals26

I don’t want to be married to him but I’m scared to leave. And I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken home. On the other hand I’m scared of what will happen if I stay, and what example of marriage I am modelling to my children. On balance, it’s time to go.

As someone who grew up in a home with both parents, to avoid the “broken home” - honestly it was shit. I used to fear every argument and lived in a house full of tension, so much so I couldn’t ever feel relaxed as a teenager. It wasn’t a loving home, and I left the first second I could.

You might feel like it’s the right thing to do, but it’s not always the case.

Are you unconsciously thinking you should both agree to a divorce (like I did)? It made a huge difference to me when I read somewhere on MN that You Don't Need His Permission to divorce him.

Are you two living in your own house? If so I would recommend getting it valued.

If you stay you are modelling to your children what a relationship looks like and setting them up to be either the abuser or abused (or both). Surely that's worse than a broken home?

Also, if you stay you'll never be 'allowed' to raise the issue of divorce again because "you had a deadline and missed it"

Tell him to fucking bore off, you've made your decision, his deadline to get out of next weekend.

Why prolong it.

Leaving my dad was the best thing my mum ever did for me. What a shame she only did it whe I was 18. He was a stroppy waker. The earlier she'd left him, the better it would've been for us all.

How old are your children?

Tell him off you fuck then get ducks in a row and just divorce.

Don’t think he’s unreasonable to have a deadline at all, I do think he’s unreasonable to hold it over you and use it to make you behave a certain way. It’s just another form of abuse. You need to decide what you want and whether the length of his deadline would alter that. If his deadline is 18 months does that make your response different to it being 18 weeks? Work out what you want and tell him. Ignore the supposed deadline and whatever it is that he thinks he might want and really, truly work out where you stand and what you envision for you/your relationship. Then do it.

I wish my mum had left my dad. Their relationship was very volatile and she confided in my throughout my childhood that she wanted to leave. She loved me very much, I never doubted that, but the imprint their relationship has made on my adult relationships has been very destructive. It took me until I had counselling in my 40s to even see what was going on.

I'm not sure if people always realise the knock on effect that their abusive relationship has on their children. Or the fact that, very often, the reason they are in an abusive relationship to start with is because their parents set them a bad relationship example.

You think he would be come physically violent to you and your children if you said you were leaving, yet he’s never been physically violent before and you say it is low level abuse

I gather then that you're not aware how many women whose abusive partners had never been physically violent were ultimately murdered when they tried to leave?

Give it a rest with the minimising of abuse. It's both grim and dangerous.

No I’m acutely aware of how there can be no physical violence but try to leave and then you’re dead. While perhaps unlikely, I know it could go there.

@NoParticularPattern

Don’t think he’s unreasonable to have a deadline at all, I do think he’s unreasonable to hold it over you and use it to make you behave a certain way. It’s just another form of abuse. You need to decide what you want and whether the length of his deadline would alter that. If his deadline is 18 months does that make your response different to it being 18 weeks? Work out what you want and tell him. Ignore the supposed deadline and whatever it is that he thinks he might want and really, truly work out where you stand and what you envision for you/your relationship. Then do it.

Don’t think he’s unreasonable to have a deadline at all, I do think he’s unreasonable to hold it over you and use it to make you behave a certain way

This hits the nail on the head.

3 and 4

So you have been raising the idea of divorce, he may want to know where he stands ( I would).

Thank you for sharing this BonJonJovi. I’m sorry to hear about your experience growing up. Desperate to avoid this for my kids.

Absolutely. I just don’t think he should be voicing to me, at this stage, his desire to start a new family.

Eckhart - I could sense you had direct experience of this from your wise posts, but I am sad nonetheless to confirm this has been your experience. I k ow in the future if I told my kids I stayed for them, they would say to me ‘I wish you had left’. Hearing that from a now adult from yourself is very helpful.

Thank you for sharing this, it’s helpful to hear an adult’s perspective looking back.

If you're threatening one another with divorce, I think it's extremely unlikely that you'll ever have a wonderful relationship again (if you ever did to begin with).

I don't think it's surprising that someone considering leaving a marriage would keep in mind their age and the likelihood of finding another spouse, but it's not a good sign! It's like he's already anticipating this future theoretical marriage!

I'd be hurt and angry to hear that, but again, if things are bad enough that one or both of you are discussing divorce, it's just one more drop in the sea. I'm not sure it makes a difference unless it's the thing that finally wakes you up to the reality of the situation.

You have to model for them that what you do if someone treats you poorly is leave. And if somebody makes you jump for joy, you stay. And that being on your own is equal to and just as fulfilling as being in a relationship. A tall order, innit! But you'll turn your life awesome by finding ways to demonstrate it to them.

Did your parents set you a poor example, Kerals26?

To be fair to Sandy she is correct, constantly threatening something you have no plan to do, absolutely can be abusive and a way of controlling them.

That is not victim blaming, it’s simply factual and Sandy didn’t deserve th attack in this instance. She said can be, not “is”.

It is not abusive to threaten an abusive man with divorce when he’s abusive to you, no. Only someone really dim or who understands fa about da would argue otherwise. It takes long time for some women to gather the courage to turn the threat into reality.

My comments to Sandy were absolutely fair.