to think that not having friends isn't that unusual

[faginssidekick]

AIBU to think that this isn't actually all that unusual in this day and age when people have moved away from their families, have smaller families and work such long hours or have a long commute? At the school gate people (pre covid) seem to stand on their own and not engage with others and children going round to other's houses to play seems to be a rarer thing than it used to be a few years ago? Mine were always in and out of other's houses when they were younger as we lived in a road with a lot of similar aged children but that doesn't seem to happen any more. Obviously that's before this year and covid.

If you want friends, you’d make the time regardless of how busy your schedule is. You’d make the effort to find those friends.

I want friends but I find being with people draining. In terms of contact with people outside my family work was all I could stand really. What do you do when you want friends but socialising and going out and meeting people is exhausting?

What do you do when you want friends but socialising and going out and meeting people is exhausting?

Get a dog haha

@GrolliffetheDragon

If you want friends, you’d make the time regardless of how busy your schedule is. You’d make the effort to find those friends.

I want friends but I find being with people draining. In terms of contact with people outside my family work was all I could stand really. What do you do when you want friends but socialising and going out and meeting people is exhausting?

I suppose you ‘choose your hard’, to use an admittedly annoying expression? It’s hard not to have friends if you want them, and it can definitely be hard at times to make time to see friends when work and health and family life are all-consuming, so I suppose you choose which one you prefer.

What do you do when you want friends but socialising and going out and meeting people is exhausting?

I think you realise that you don't actually want friends, because if you did you would need to socialise with them. That's literally what friends are; people you socialise with.

GoJoe2020

"I think you realise that you don't actually want friends, because if you did you would need to socialise with them. That's literally what friends are; people you socialise with."

To be fair, its not quite as simple as that if you're an introvert (I'm not, but I know a common theme with introverts is that they find socialising exhausting).

But I also think you have to put a bit in or you don't get anything out. There's rightly more awareness these days that introverts have different needs and society doesn't always cater for them in the best way. But ultimately you do have to be prepared to break the ice with people to a certain degree.

@alfieum

I think my vibe is off. My mum has done school runs for us over lock down and everyone is lovely to her. The same people have blanked my greetings for months. I had lots of friends in my 20s and had a great time but that has fizzled out and now I have a few mum friends, who are very competitive, and that's it. I miss close friendships and the pleasure of laughing with people. I am now thinking this is it for me, as I can't imagine making new friends now. I get jealous of the friendship group holidays and spa weekends and hen parties people go to.

@alfieum

I completely get where you’re coming from. I could have written exactly the same thing about my mum and the school mums (pre lockdown), and wondered if my “vibe” was off too!

I have really struggled to mix with anyone in dc3’s year group, which 4 years in has meant that dc has never been invited to anyone’s house, or barely any parties (pre covid). I have invited a few to ours, but it’s never reciprocated.

For dc1 and 2, it was a totally different experience, and I was in the thick of things, which was great, and it was very easy! I’ve no idea what’s changed!!

I’m not too bothered for me, as I still have friends from other places, but I do feel for dc3.

Fair enough, thanks for setting the record that it was a friendship of circumstances and to just accept it as that. Didn't realise it was that common. I also do believe that I valued that friendship more than she did.

There’s that trite saying - ‘friends are for a reason, a season or a lifetime’.

It’s very common for friends to come and go, and by ‘come and go’, that could be 5 or 10 years, or even more.

It’s very, very rare to make friends for a lifetime. I have two friends who fall into that category.

Whereas I have many, many friends from my past - that were special for a time, but then life, changes in circumstance, etc, meant we drifted apart.

It’s completely normal.

Friendships do end. In fact, probably for the majority of people, most of their friendships do end (or maybe you just vaguely stay in touch). But that’s OK, as the idea is you will go on and make new friendships.

You know your first love, or first relationship? For most people, that ended and is now a dim and distant memory.

But none of us swore of relationships for ever more, did we?! We dusted ourselves down and moved on. Had more relationships.

The same thing is meant to happen with friendships. Move past the ones that will inevitably end.

And then be open to new friendships for this time (season) of your life.

My sis in law is one of the most popular people I know but a pretty horrible person she’s done some vile things. I just don’t get it?

@Frequentflier

I have got entirely too wrapped up in this thread; it is a subject cllose to my heart and one that I have spent a lifetime contemplating.

I think so much about it because my mom was widowed relatively early, at only 62. She has a ton of friends despite having being an SAHM all her life because she works at it. The women in my family generally live past 90. That means, she is likely to be "alone for nearly 30 plus years, almost as long as she was married. Without her friends, she would be incredibly lonely because her children are scattered. That said, I think she made most of her friends in her late 40s and 50s,, when most were done with childrearing. Never too late!

Me too @Frequentflier

My mum is in same situation as yours and has a wide range of different friends of all ages! She’s always being invited to different things despite being on her own. She seems to have very long term genuine friendships, and she’s not a great organiser of things herself at all, her friends sort it all.

I aspire to this! And although generally (especially in the past) I have no problem making friends, I seem to struggle to keep them!

MerchantOfVenom

Thanks for explaining and after all these years I can really just comes to terms with the friend at that time just needed to move on. Very difficult as DH still really good friends with the best man at our wedding, yet someone I considered my best friend is no more, who was the bridesmaid. Difficult when looking back through photographs. As you say, time to move on and not rule out future friendships.

I am open to meeting new folk through a mutual interest of dogs in future. Can see why 40/50s is a great age to really get into generating new friendships as you have more time on your hands, not so busy with childrearing too.

I think some people just naturally have the gift of the gab and find it effortless to make friends. They are very lucky to fall into this category.

Gosh this thread had moved on! All of you saying how awful it is that people have no friends, there's a silver lining as I'm on day 3 of having to SI and nothing in my life has changed apart from two weeks off work, I'm seeing friends just as much as I always do.

Can't speak for everyone but I find going to social events in an attempt to make friends far more exhausting and draining than spending time socialising with actual friends. Like on another level of exhausting and draining. For me given how unlikely it is that trying to find friends will even work I have decided not to do these things as it does me more harm than good.

In my experience a lot of people want friends without actually being a friend. They just want people to do whatever they want on their terms and not outperform them or challenge them in any way. Friendships are two way, and I think a lot of people nowadays are all about themselves, so it makes friendships difficult.

I think some people just naturally have the gift of the gab and find it effortless to make friends

Yes. And other people can train those skills. I was naturally painfully shy, found even picking up a phone to make a hairdressers appointment massively stressful, not to mention starting talking to perfect strangers. One day I decided that this is no way to live, so read all the advice how to get over it and started practicing. Others now think I am one of those effortlessly outgoing and chatty ones.

I don't have friends, I have lots of acquaintances that I hope will become friends.
I do think people are very quick to describe someone as a friend but for me I like to see how my acquaintances stand the test of time, I will be their for them when they need help, will they for me?
I say what I mean to them, do they to me?
Are they still there after a shit period/time?
If the answer to these type of things is yes then I would start to see them as friends.

I think it takes a long time and some rough times to really call someone a friend, you really need to get past the fun times and get to he real substance underneath. Once you get there you can see if they really are true friendship material and can be there for you when you need it and also if you want to be there for them during their rough times.

It is a lot of personality too. Some people attract friends. Thankfully I have acquaintances who would bring me essentials and I hope those acquaintances an ex colleague who live locally or school DM friends would feel they could call on me too if needed.
This thread has brought back memories of very close friendships that passed I miss the connections.
New year resolution "be more social"

@Plmoknijb123

In my experience a lot of people want friends without actually being a friend. They just want people to do whatever they want on their terms and not outperform them or challenge them in any way. Friendships are two way, and I think a lot of people nowadays are all about themselves, so it makes friendships difficult.

I think that's a fair point in relation to a significant number of the 'I have no friends' posts that appear regularly on Mn.

I think it's probably largely unconscious, but the person who starts off by saying she has no friends and is sad about it then often goes on to describe her own very specific imaginary 'best friend', a paragon who will be local enough to walk the school run with her daily, respond to messages instantly, never prioritise other friends, be available for regular coffees, 'girlie nights out', spa days, accompany her to her choice of gigs, go to the night classes/exercise groups the OP feels she needs a partner for etc.

I remember pointing out to one such poster that there is no one person who fulfils all of anyone's needs -- and that I have a lot of good friends, but wouldn't dream of going to a gig/night class/running group that I wasn't very interested in myself.

This poster got very cross with me for saying I wouldn't go to a band I didn't like just because a friend wanted someone to go with, and said repeatedly 'But anyone would go to a concert if their best friend wanted them to!'

I formed the impression from that thread and others like it that at least some of the people who struggle with friendships do so in part because they have a very specific, very all-encompassing blueprint for friendship, and real potential friends, with their own lives, tastes, jobs, interests, time-constraints, other friends etc, simply don't measure up, and look 'uncommitted' and rejecting because they're not fulfilling the 'ideal friend' brief.

I think it takes a long time and some rough times to really call someone a friend, you really need to get past the fun times and get to he real substance underneath. Once you get there you can see if they really are true friendship material and can be there for you when you need it and also if you want to be there for them during their rough times

i think this is why so many people can't make friends...they have insane expectations of what friends are supposed to be and do. You think someone needs to prove themselves for years over multiple challanges for the honour of you calling them a friend? This is nuts!

I agree, @GoJoe2020, and honestly, I think the 'only tough times prove who your real friends are' mantra is unhelpfully absolutist for both the person in trouble/need and the 'helper' in this scenario.

You see so many posts on here aggrieved because they helped someone out repeatedly and then resented the fact that the person they helped didn't invite them to a party/didn't make them their bridesmaid/didn't 'reciprocate' the help with tokens of preferential friendship, and decided that the person they helped was a 'user'.

Honestly, while I help out/support friends in need, obviously, and they me, but I'm pretty self-reliant about that kind of thing, and don't give more than I feel able -- and I don't see that as some kind of test of friendship. When it comes down to it, I see my friends because I like their presence in my life. Some people are more able and willing to offer help in a crisis, but I don't make that the make or break condition for friendship.

I agree with the expectations thing. Whilst I'd be fine if a friend phoned me at 3 am about a life and death issue I'd be less impressed if it was because of a tiff with her DH. And a good friend (IMO) wouldn't dream of ringing you at 3 am about anything less than a life or death situation! It's all about treating people as you would like to be treated really isn't it?

It's all about treating people as you would like to be treated really isn't it?

Yes, but some people want to be treated in a very odd way...seemingly adored and pandered to and coddled, and can't understand why their "friends" don't provide this for them.

"I think this is why so many people can't make friends...they have insane expectations of what friends are supposed to be and do. You think someone needs to prove themselves for years over multiple challanges for the honour of you calling them a friend? This is nuts!"

Maybe to you it is, that is exactly why this topic of friendship is so subjective. We all have different expectations just as we have different personalities. It's just trial and error it seems getting the balance right. And a lot of it is down to chance meetings with others in life.

I think friendships change as we grow up and sometimes it can be really hard to accept that the friends you make as an adult may not feel as close as those in childhood.

Personally I'm not sure a friend who I shared no formative or bonding experiences with is likely to really feel like a friend if that makes sense. I think adult friendships can feel very acquaintance like and can see why that sort of relationship wouldn't meet some people's needs.

It’s hard not to have friends if you want them, and it can definitely be hard at times to make time to see friends when work and health and family life are all-consuming, so I suppose you choose which one you prefer.

Well work isn't a choice (though WFH is something of a relief), and I love DH and DS, though with us all being at home together so much I'd like the two of them to go out together a bit more so I can have the house to myself - preferably when I'm not working!

I think you realise that you don't actually want friends, because if you did you would need to socialise with them. That's literally what friends are; people you socialise with.

I can socialise with close friends - or I could when I had one. It's getting to that point is the problem. You have to meet people, chat with them, build up friendship over time, and that is really hard to do when in normal circumstances the last thing I want to do when I leave the office is talk to people I don't really know.