was i BU with dd 12 last night (I swore)

[embarasseddd12]

name change as am embarrassed. sorry its so long!! I have been having issues with dd12, our relationship has been so much better since she was about 7, I had found her infanthood tricky as she is very stubborn and headstrong. she is child number 3 of 4. but recently things have deteriorated, she has been having friendship issues and has recently started her periods.
anyway last night I felt guilty as I'd promised her and her brothers a movie night but had double booked a zoom call with our friends. so I set up nice beanbags in the other room and they actually agreed a film to watch, with added chocolate and i and dh did the zoom call - wine was drunk. when I went to tuck her in we had what I thought was a lovely chat about what colour she'd like to repaint her room, getting some new curtains etc. I was sitting on her bed when she suddenly kicked me so hard I virtually fell off it. I was hurt and angry and asked her why she did that. before she answered there was a clatter and she said 'oh no my water bottle has leaked" to which I replied "I don't give a shit about your water bottle" and stomped out. I feel awful about this and this morning apologised for shouting. there was silence so I said " are you sorry about kicking me?" and she said yes and we had a small smile and agreed no more shouting or kicking. but later at breakfast she admitted she hadn't watched any of the film as she'd been on her phone all evening. I criticised her for this and said what a shame if she's not engaging with life around her (and felt ...sort of that I had failed again that she hadn't "joined in") and she said she would never bother telling me anything about herself again. aibu to feel really hard towards her and that I just don't like her at the moment? what should I do?

I wonder how much the DD would have looked at her phone even if her mum had joined movie night

I agree that the swearing is much less of an issue than breaking a promise to your kids. One is a small linguistic slip up which won’t cause harm, the other is a more tangible issue of priorities and your responsibility to your kids.

It wasn’t right for your daughter to kick you - but it doesn’t seem like you’ve acknowledged that she might be feeling sidelined and left out by your decision to ditch plans with your kids for a zoom call with friends. And to then criticise her for being on her phone must have really stung her. You dropped out of the experience completely, and still had a bit of a go at her for not engaging with it like you thought she should - just seems quite hypocritical, and I expect she felt a bit attacked.

I would try having a proper conversation about it - one which includes an apology for ditching movie night, and includes a discussion on why venting her frustrations through kicking rather than talking is wrong.

your priorities just seem a bit weird - honestly, no, saying "shit" in front of a 12 year old (and not even swearing at her) is hardly U!

However just walking away rather than punishing her for kicking is weird.
Choosing to drink with your mates rather than spending time with your family is a choice you are fully entitled to make, but if it involves breaking a promise she is equally entitled to be pissed off with you about it. Obviously she should have showed her annoyance in a more mature way than kicking you but a)she's 12 and b) you hardly seem as though you would react in a normal way yourself if she did tell you, given your comments on here!
Criticising for "not engaging with the world around her" when she was doing an activity you had set up and then changed your mind about doing, is rude and hypocritical
Thinking that passively watching a film she wasn't particularly bothered about is "engaging with the world around her" but actively messaging her friends or viewing content on the internet isn't is illogical!

Obviously kicking you is VU, and your actions were less so. But she is a child and you are an adult so it's up to you to show her what a good way of expression frustration or unhappiness is.

You should’ve rescheduled the Zoom call or cut it short apologising for double booking once you’d realised what you’d done.
This was def the trigger for the kicking - which yes, a 12 year old shouldn’t do, but was def out of frustration. I’d accept an apology for that and then I’d apologise for my behaviour too - the swearing is a nothing, they hear much worse at school.

Jesus Christ, so many of you don't seem able to drink wine and not get pissed! Why have so many MN got alcohol issues?

You do understand that adults are able to drink wine and not get phased, just you know have a few glasses?

I don't think anyone has done the

"Supposing you needed to take one of the children to hospital one yet"

OP typical teenager, move on.

Bloody hell I cant believe people on here saying op deserved to be kicked. The only issue here op is that your 12 year old thinks and knows she will get away with kicking her mother.
Ok so you double booked , that could have been handled better , but people in here justifying this behaviour because you didnt watch a movie ....SHE'S 12 YEARS NUT 12 MONTHS OLD.
Where does it end, a 15 year old punching their parent in the face next time they forget a small occasion???
My child of any age would be punished appropriately for using violence against me, end of .no excuse.

Did she definitely mean to kick on purpose? It just seems strange even for an angry child to be having a normal conversation and then kick their mum.

Are we sure the water bottle didnt leak on her so she jerked? You said 'why did you kick me' and she said 'my water bottle leaked'

Was she trying to get you off the bed? Were you falling to sleep? Did she misjudge how hard she kicked you?

I think even your reaction to your DD kicking you is odd. Most people if they were sure it was deliberate would be more upset, and you didnt even seem to think why shed done it? Who assumes their child randomly kicks them out of the blue?

Eh? OP is getting criticised because she had a zoom call with friends and some wine? Double booking herself so not watching the film with dd3?
So dd was 'let down'.
And this means it's ok for dd3 to kick her?

I am clearly in a different planet to pp's.

This post would've gone so differently if the word "wine" wasn't used!

And as for the horror of double booking, it was a film not the girls 18th birthday party.

@Oblomov20 me too. If my dc deliberately kicked me in a fit of pique they be getting a stern dressing down.
Imagine if op had said she had kicked her dd. There would be a cry of report yourself to social services.

Are you sure she wasn't just trying to get you off her bed and misjudged? It sounds like you ignored your promise her earlier and she wasn't in the mood to engage with you when it suited you.

Jesus Christ, so many of you don't seem able to drink wine and not get pissed! Why have so many MN got alcohol issues?

And so many seem in denial that their kids might not actually like having to deal with a half cut parent rambling away at them. Many people on here have expressed how it made them feel as a child but it just gets ignored. My parents would have ignored too, they wouldn't want to actually have a look at the idea that their children don't like them in a semi pissed state. Of course not, they might have to consider changing their drinking habits then and that would never do.

@SBTLove

Family time is a nonsense on MN, what we should all line up on the sofa, eyes front and watch a movie and never deviate? How boring.

No. You should just make your children do that while you get drunk on zoom.

You need to address your historic issues with alcohol @HmmSureJan , it's making you totally unreasonable with being able to have an understanding of reasonable alcohol consumption.

I'm sorry your parents caused you that issue, but it's not reflective of most parents. Who aren't "half pissed", just enjoying an adult recreation.

You've also not pulled out the "what about if one needs to go to hospital" line!

You need to address your historic issues with alcohol @HmmSureJan , it's making you totally unreasonable with being able to have an understanding of reasonable alcohol consumption.

No it isn't

@Oblomov20

Eh? OP is getting criticised because she had a zoom call with friends and some wine? Double booking herself so not watching the film with dd3? So dd was 'let down'. And this means it's ok for dd3 to kick her?

I am clearly in a different planet to pp's.

I am too. Can't believe some people on here actually condone her being kicked It would be a whole different kettle of fish if it was the other way round.

It really is @HmmSureJan someone says wine and you presume pissed?

Really?

I am too. Can't believe some people on here actually condone her being kicked confused It would be a whole different kettle of fish if it was the other way round.

I don't think anyone here has said the DD's behaviour was acceptable. They've said it's clear why, at 12, she found it upsetting. 12 year olds are emotional at the best of times. Add in the uncertainty of a pandemic and lockdown on top of all those normal teenage hormones and you're not going to get a child that acts in a rational manner.

Absolutely she should be "punished" for kicking but the root cause of the problem still needs to be addressed.

I find this thread frightening. Good for you! You Uber attachment parents, who want to spend every second with their darling children.

Only reservoir and Ariel agreed with me.

I put my family, both DS's, ahead of myself nearly all the time and on the very very rare occasion that I want to have a zoom call with my mates and a couple of glasses of wine this would take absolute priority over everything quite frankly.

The fact that many posters refer to it as a 'double booking' makes me want to vomit!

and the fact that dd3 was let down because God forbid mum, in lockdown, prioritised herself last minute, and had a laugh and a giggle with a couple of her friends on zoom.

I mean really? seriously? this is mumsnet now ?

where op is now being portrayed as some completely pissed paralytic raving drink? swearing, on the edge of her bed - though isn't it any wonder she didn't fall off because she was so bladdered?

that's just not what the op has described.

Where are you getting this all from?
That's assumption and presumption at its very worst! talk about reading into a story.

Agree with others that you let her down and chose to get drunk with friends over spending time with her then criticised her for not 'joining in' - swearing is the least of your worries. Randomly kicking you was out of order too but 12yos are sensitive little balls of hormones and you come across like you don't like her - if that's coming across to her too then it must be very upsetting.

@Bookworming

It really is *@HmmSureJan* someone says wine and you presume pissed?

Really?

No randomer on MN it really isn't. And you're clearly not reading my posts.

In my experience happy, well adjusted children don't kick their mothers so hard they fall off the bed for no reason. There's more going on here. Op won't clarify if she was drunk or not. People always underestimate how much they drink and undercut it. It sounds like she has issues in her relationship with her child and in that moment her child took out her frustration on a parent who didn't seem to be fully present. She may have even thought she'd get away with it.

I haven't mentioned the zoom call or the "let down" aspect. At 12 I shouldn't think she was that fussed and I don't think it's a big deal, however the hypocrisy of the mini lecture about how she should have been focusing on it when her mother was doing her own thing elsewhere probably pissed her right off.

I genuinely am confused that a child listening to her mother partying on zoom with her mates and then coming rambling into her bedroom and being a PITA is a scenario that can be dismissed out of hand given what the OP has described. Add in a water bottle leaking and soaking the bed, which may have made her kick out in irritation and I can see why it became so heightened.

I have a friend who wails about how she's "just chatty" when she's had a few wines and she only had two anyway. She's a great person but 2 usually means 4 and she's a massive pain in the arse who her friends up having to look after.

Well said @Oblomov20 absolutely ridiculous assumptions being made!

No child benefitted from 100% attention!

@vanillandhoney

I am too. Can't believe some people on here actually condone her being kicked confused It would be a whole different kettle of fish if it was the other way round.

I don't think anyone here has said the DD's behaviour was acceptable. They've said it's clear why, at 12, she found it upsetting. 12 year olds are emotional at the best of times. Add in the uncertainty of a pandemic and lockdown on top of all those normal teenage hormones and you're not going to get a child that acts in a rational manner.

Absolutely she should be "punished" for kicking but the root cause of the problem still needs to be addressed.

Someone literally said:

She kicked you because you broke your promise about watching a film. As if that is a justification!

It literally would never have entered my head that I was entitled to be in charge of what my parents got up to!

Especially at 12.

This thread is bizarro world. Parents all over here must be getting booted by their kids and grovelling and scraping before them.

I think the kick has everything to do with the fact that you broke a promise and she felt let down. I'd feel worse about letting my child down than I did about swearing. 12 is a difficult age but they're still children, however grown up they think they are, and they still need us, still need a cuddle and still need to have promises kept. It sounds as if there are issues on both sides.