To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

When is it?

Can you defer the whole thing for another year without losing the money?

@Cavagirl

When is it?

April next year. The third option is to obviously postpone until April 2022 however we were hoping to try for a baby next year and it would stop us being able to do that so I'm not as keen on that option.

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out.

If it were me, I’d defer for another year or sack it off completely and revisit in a couple of years. I get that it’s important and it’s shot but everything is just to unpredictable right now to even contemplate doing something like this. I’d want to take some control over it and manage my own and others expectations.

@YoniAndGuy

Can you defer the whole thing for another year without losing the money?

We can defer without losing money but it would cost extra, we'd have to pay an admin fee per person and the difference in holiday cost which seem to of skyrocketed as lots of people are booking for further ahead

*shit obvs

Honestly both of us would be happy to pull the plug if we could do so without losing so much money. We understand losing our own money but it's our family and closest friends. We'd cost them thousands, we can't pay them that back. We keep hoping that Covid will call it off as we can all get full refunds

I would suggest deferring to 2022. I say this because it's most likely to be parents or grandparents who would miss out.

OK. Well for a start I really don't envy you, I'm sorry.
Depending on where it is, I'd guess the chances of it going ahead as you'd imagine aren't high anyway, sorry to say it.
Bottom line - If you've 30 guests who are all in still I don't think you can justify cancelling it on the basis of other guests cancelling. That's a lot of people to disappoint.
Given the timing and given you've said you could postpone, I'd be postponing to April 2022. I can understand why you wouldn't want to do that but it seems like the sensible solution for all.
If you really can't i think you need to go ahead, hope you can actually have the wedding, and have a separate event back home for those who couldn't come.
Sorry again. It's shit.

I would go and get married, then have a blessing in the UK afterwards.

@nicelyneurotic

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out.

Yep I'd do this. Sorry though OP, it is a bit of a shit situation.

In that case OP I’d postpone. I think I’d be looking at it from the point of view that nobody knows where we’ll be in April. What if there’s a travel ban? What if there’s restrictions forcing you to isolate whilst there/on returning that means guests will not be able to work? What if the actual wedding activities are restricted so much you won’t be getting what you paid for? For me, there’d be too many what ifs.

I would still have the wedding and have a party/blessing when you get back for those who couldn’t make it.

I would defer it, then at least you can relax for a year or so and stop worrying about it in case it’s postponed again - who knows what the virus holds for us next year. If you feel you must go ahead I would do your first option - a registry office is defo not a ‘fake’ wedding...

You've made a commitment to those family members that have paid. I dont think you can throw their money away because others cant come anymore.
If you can change the date without guesds losing their money the you'll have to talk to them all about that option but you cant cancel. I'd be fuming if us gkbe to the effort and expense for you to cancel when others drop out and I wouldn't bother going to whatever wedding you planned afterwards.

I’d pull the plug on the wedding abroad, reimburse the 30 people who’ve paid deposits and have a ceremony in the U.K. instead. Otherwise it’s not fair on the partner whose family can’t attend. A blessing abroad is a good compromise.

You may also find more and more people drop out before April. Travel is tricky at the moment and may get worse before it gets better. People may be put off by new quarantine rules or fresh outbreaks, or fear getting stranded abroad. I’m sure many would be relieved if you had the wedding in the U.K. instead. A global pandemic is a good enough reason to cancel, they’ll understand.

I'd poll the family

If I were one of your guests I'd be breathing a massive sigh of relief if you cancelled the Caribbean wedding, who wants to go abroad and spend a load of money the way things are at the minute? If they still want to go on holiday then they still can surely, they just won't have a wedding to go to while they are there. But yeah it's shit that people have spent so much, I'm sure you feel really bad about it.

I would go ahead as it is utterly unfair to those who will lose money. Whether a blessing upon return would be possible is still up in the air with regards to how many people you could have in attendance.
If you were to cancel and book a UK wedding then even under the most generous rules we've been under since March you still couldn't have all your guests attend.
Best case is sticking with the plan but it gets cancelled by the operator and you rebook for 2022. You can still try for a baby when you were originally planning to.

they'll never get over getting married without these people there

I’m sorry to say that this person is being a bit hysterical. Marriage is a long business and in ten years time when you’re arguing over the mortgage and kids, and you need family support, who was there on the wedding day won’t matter.

Sorry this has happened
A registry office wedding is no more fake than a wedding on a beach
I would go and get married if possible and have a blessing when you return.
You cannot really leave 30 people out of pocket over this

Stick with it and have something else in the UK for the ones who can't make it. It is very unlucky. I would say postpone but I think you should be able to try to start your family sooner rather than later.

I’m so sorry OP, this has happened to a friend of mine (we were going but for various reasons were going to book last min).

If they have been paying in instalments will the loss be thousands? Did any put down a small deposit with the balance to be paid later?

If so, is it possible that the bill is less than anticipated and that you can offer to cover it?

They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Surely it's the other way around? The register office ceremony is the legal wedding when you actually get married, and a symbolic ceremony is just that, symbolic and the opportunity for a party?