To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

Personally I would have a registry office wedding with my nearest and dearest here and go ahead with a blessing abroad.

I would cancel and have a quiet ceremony at home if you feel you must get married now. I was married in a register office and I can assure you it was no less a wedding for that.

Do a poll of those still "in", try to assess how many of them will actually still be going in April (I wouldn't if I'm honest) and then work out exactly how much money is involved. Many of them may be able to defer until a later date and so won't loose out financially, so the re-imbursement figure will be less than you thought.

The first option. I would be livid tbh if I had paid all that money for someone else's wedding and they decided to pull the plug knowing I was then stuck with either losing the money or having to transfer to a holiday I might never have booked and might have been something I'd have considered outside of my usual budget but for the family wedding I only agreed to attend and spend the money for because I love the people involved.

A registry office will not allow very many people to attend. But it is a proper legal ceremony, and you would be definitely married after it.

We haven't reimbursed the people that have pulled out, no. It was ultimately their decision, they were consulted before booking and were up for it and we can't take responsibility for the pandemic, it isn't our fault. I appreciate this may not be popular on here but we have a mortgage and a child and my hours reduced to just 10 a week, we don't have money to spare for people who have changed their minds. I'm very against people losing their money because of us choosing to cancel, but if they chose to not proceed I really can't see what I can do. I have the guests that are still attending to worry about.

@burnoutbabe

I;d be hacked off it you decided other guests who dropped out where more important than your friends who are attending.

Doing a registry wedding here first is also cheeky, as i would have paid on the basis i WAS going to see the actual legal wedding, not some fake blessing.

(if it is say one's parents who can't attend due to illness, then that may be different than if it's just other friends/siblings)

This actually. I think the actual wedding has to be the one abroad with a blessing here

I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if I lost 30 people thousands.

I’d have the registry office wedding and then the trip.

Cancel all arrangements and have a very small wedding in a registry office.

Or just wait till after any effective vaccine.

Any money lost is down to you.

@Covidwedding

If everyone who is still coming lost just their deposits that would still be just under 20k for us to refund them all. There is no way in hell we could find the money to do that without taking out extensive loans. That's without knowing whether those who have paid in full would get the additional money back either

In that case. I’d go ahead.

Then have a great big party here when you can!

I would go for the first option of a legal wedding here and a blessing at a later date.

You really should be worried about the people that are still planning on attending your wedding, they are your biggest concern right now.

You can’t just cancel on them, you really can’t. Not without offering them their money back. The argument that they can spend more to transfer to another holiday is a crap one. It’s utterly ridiculous that either of you think it’s ok to do that to people you supposedly care about. These people were willing to spend thousands to be at your wedding in the place that you chose, using up their holiday allowance, you can’t just throw that back at them and tell them it’s ok because they can arrange a different holiday through you and your chosen company. It’s not their fault that covid happened and the other side of the family have dropped out.

Postpone to April 2022 and take your baby with you.

Cancel it and offer to pay the deposits of those that will be losing money or don’t want to holiday at that time. Most people will breath a sigh of relief. Some people will not expect you to reimburse them.

@slothtrot

I would cancel it and get married in a registry office/church here when it's possible. What is more important, the wedding or the marriage?

When you rearrange it get wedding insurance if you can.

And what's your solution for the 30 guests that have paid to go to the wedding?

I think it depends
Has it been done as one group booking so you are all on one booking
Or have they all did it as individual bookings

They are two completely different things in terms of payouts and refunds
In the first case only you ( as the lead booking ) would be able to cancel the booking
In the other case it’s down to the individual to cancel

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality.

@Coffeeandcocopops

Cancel it and offer to pay the deposits of those that will be losing money or don’t want to holiday at that time. Most people will breath a sigh of relief. Some people will not expect you to reimburse them.

She's already said that's over £20k & they can't afford it (and that's not even including those that have paid in full!).

To be honest I can’t see anyone holiday abroad fully insured by then anyway. I’ve got a holiday booked for July and I can’t see that happening.

Wedding abroad (assuming the company doesn't cancel and refund), blessing over here.

Those who want it all cancelled should be offering to pay for everybody else, and if they aren't, well - it's not their wedding, is it?

Oh gosh, I really feel for you. We had to postpone our may wedding (and baby trying) by a year in march and though it was awful at the time I feel lucky now that our wedding was in the first lockdown when you literally couldnt get married. It did make the decision easier as it was made for us. I really feel for people now who are having to make decisions when things can half go ahead etc.

In my opinion you WILL be able to fly to the Caribbean and have a wedding there in April. They are still hosting holidays now, my mum and stepdad just got back on Wednesday from 2 weeks in St Lucia and they arent on the quarantine list (you have to present a negative test taken 72 hours before departure and they tempreture check several times a day at the hotel). I wouldn't rely on it being cancelled by covid and getting insurance to pay out as they dont seem to be doing that. IMO the only option is to postpone for 6 months to a year. If I have understood correctly (?) You would have to take the financial hit of the admin fee of moving it but your guests wouldnt be out of pocket ? This would also give the opportunity for you to save up for longer, your guests to save up for longer and perhaps those who have cancelled to reconsider going as they have longer to save?

If its parents that have cancelled I dont think I would get over them not being at my wedding day. Could you talk to them and see if a postponement would help things? Equally I don't think the registry office is a good idea, I wouldn't be impressed as a Caribbean wedding guest at having to fly out to the Caribbean and pay out loads of money to attend a wedding that had actually already happened in the uk in a registry office with close family. That would be cheeky IMO. They'd be paying for a very expensive party

Would it be cheaper to help the people who have pulled out, than fix it for the 30 that are still committed? Could you offer to put a proportion of the money up? If you can't, I can't see any other option than to go ahead and hold another ceremony here.

And don’t forget the closer to the date the more you lose

Oops. It is their wedding as well, isn't it?

Is he under pressure from his family? Are they offering to pay for it all?

I'd actually stop for a minute & have a bloody good think about what he's saying.

I'm a little bit confused now, but why have hus family cancelled but yours havent?

@Covidwedding

The issue with arguing that it has to go ahead because too many people will lose money and that transferring to different holidays isn't good enough is that I get met with "you aren't the one having to get married without your family there" "your family are high earners it's nothing to them to have to switch to a different holiday or lose a deposit". It's hard because ultimately if the wedding goes ahead as planned it is correct that one person is technically missing out more than the other but really, we're all family and no one wants anyone to not be there, it's just the unfortunate reality.

I agree with you

I’d be furious if I paid thousands to go on a holiday/wedding and then it was cancelled and you could t reimburse me. I’m sad to say it. But it’s not fair to the people who have paid

You’re going to upset someone though. Those that have pulled out have done so through their own choice
If you pull out. That’s your choice. But it effects the other 30. That’s the problem.