To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

If 30 wedding guests have paid and still going then, or unless you can reimburse them, you should still go and get married. The people left behind can do zoom.

Why get so caught up on others though not being at your wedding... Its supposed to be about the person you're marrying, not others. And if I learned anything from my own wedding, 5 years down the line half the folk at my wedding are either dead now or I don't talk to them.

Get married in a registry office and have the trip abroad as a honeymoon.

April next year. The third option is to obviously postpone until April 2022 however we were hoping to try for a baby next year and it would stop us being able to do that so I'm not as keen on it.

You may not be keen but this is the best option so unless you foresee issues with falling pregnant you need to move it to 2022.

I also really don't see the need for a registry office wedding either: if you can't do the above and genuinely can't do the wedding without certain people it cannot go ahead. This is your only wedding and you will regret it for the rest of your life. It's too emotive.

Either defer it or just cancel the whole destination wedding and rebook here for 2022 using the loan your parents are offering.

None of this is your fault, you're in the middle of a situation no one could have foreseen. Your guests can be as pissy as they like but it's still not your fault and they will have to suck it up.

Is it an option to have the registry wedding at home, and then have a destination party next year?You could also negotiate with the vendors and cap it at the money you have already spent. Im sure your hotel and caterers and whatever other vendors you have will be able to accommodate. What are the chances they will be bankrupt next year? I'd avoid paying out any more money if possible.

I think you have to go ahead with it under the circumstances. No one could have predicted in advance what has happened. But sadly it has caused a lot of heartache, families have lost loved ones, many businesses simply don't have the capital to survive and there are job losses.

I would go ahead and hope that you are forced to delay if that makes it easier for family/friends that have had to pull out...

The other option would leave a bad feeling amongst those that are still wanting to go, the others have already made their decisions which is out of your control! Good luck!

Could you look into giving away the booking to someone else and exchange the name on the event and possibly the flights? Would this be an option? And have a smaller full on wedding in UK?
One thing I'd say is that you won't make everyone happy either way you go about it so as long as you've tried your best, you and your partner are happy with the sacrifice, that's ultimately all you can hope for.

How shit for you OP. I would definitely try to go ahead as planned and have a registry office wedding here for those who can’t make it. We had a destination wedding where we couldn’t get legally married so we had a small registry office one here where we mainly had guests who couldn’t come to the other one. For those who weren’t invited to the registry office they were none the wiser the larger wedding wasn’t legal. Both weddings were lovely and special and a chance to celebrate with the people we love. Good luck

My vote is for the registry office, here in UK for all....so at least you’re married!

What’s important is a) getting married and b) people who are important to you. Not locations!
If you are then able to do the blessing abroad then that’s lovely and the icing on the (wedding) cake!

To me the most sensible option and compromise, would be to have the destination wedding with those who are still going and have a ceremony here after, so that those that can’t attend, can still see you get married.

That way if Covid does cancel your wedding for next year, all those who were still going get fully reimbursed, including you and you can re-arrange it for the following year where everyone can be in attendance. Also if you book the RO ceremony here for after your destination wedding date, you have the option to cancel that also (if covid cancels the destination wedding) and then re-arrange the entire wedding for another year, but maybe somewhere a little cheaper for everyone.

I’m so sorry if someone else has already said this and also this is meant with kindness so please take it in that way - but re: trying for a baby next year, that’s a little like what I did (ages ago - nothing to do with COVID) and now I’m on IVF as we can’t conceive. So don’t assume anything. My advice would be try for a baby now, defer the wedding and get married later on. I know it’s not ideal - believe me, I really do know - but I just wanted to mention it so you don’t kick yourself later. I really hope this isn’t an issue for you, of course, but it is for 1 in 8 of us.

I would not be happy for guests to lose money. They may not have chosen such an expensive holiday to hair transfer it somewhere else. I would go ahead and hope for the best at this stage.

Postpone and try for your baby anyway? Unless you have to wait for religious reasons? My children were at my wedding to their father and I think this made it so much more meaningful. Also they love the fact they were there.

It’s YOUR wedding so do what you want to do. If people now can’t go - that’s a risk of all destination weddings ( I had one ) people drop out , COVID or no...
I’d go with the people who can go, and have a blessing / reception in the future.
( I only had witnesses at my reg office bit )
It’s the marriage and the vows that are important and you want to start a family soon too. Real life is what’s important.
It’s disappointing if people can’t be there, but you are not marrying them.
And you’ve offered a zoom view of ceremony.
So sorry you are a COVID bride it honestly sucks.
( I’m a COVID first time mum who will miss baby showers/family visits/ be lucky if hubby can even attend birth at this rate so I FEEL YOU )
So many people have opinions about your own wedding - it’s v annoying. Fingers crossed for you next year :)

Hey OP! I feel your pain.
We got married at a destination wedding (many years ago), and similar circumstances to you - one set of parents high earners and the other not. Ended up with one family being more represented than the other (think parents and sibling missing).
The thing is, we still went ahead with it. It was our dream to get married there and we did, surrounded by people who celebrated with us. We had a reception/party type thing when we got back. Nobody felt bad. I wasn’t prepared to refund out of my own pocket the lost money for those still prepared to come, because others had cancelled. That’s their choice.
Get married. Have an after party. Take pictures of both. Enjoy life. Unless you’re loaded you can’t afford to refund everyone so that’s not as option.

I’d go ahead as planned you can’t expect people to lose huge amounts of money which they will do of you cancel. Go abroad as planned and then throw a party afterwards when you get back.

If Covid has taught us anything it’s cease the day go forward with your plans make the best of the guests you have . Have a party here for the guests that can’t make it . Have the wedding abroad . Most important have fun start your life the wedding is for you .x

'If Covid has taught us anything it’s cease the day'

I hope not

If Covid has taught us anything it’s cease the day

That's dark 😂

Definitely the registry office and then the blessing. What does fake wedding even mean?!

Have the destination wedding and organize a small party/blessing for when you get back.

I'm exhausted just reading your comments op.
I think you and your partner really need to get back to basics here and remember exactly why you are getting married.
The wedding is not about anyone else but you two and the commitment you are making to eachother. Your taking on responsibility for other people's choices 🙄
All your guests have a choice in canceling if they want to. So let them be adults and make their choices. You do what's right for you and your fiance. End of.

If it saves you @ £3k I’d have the wedding in a registry office; reimburse those who have had to cancel whatever you can out of that as a gesture, then go ahead and let the remaining guests choose whether or not to attend. Their circumstances and the pandemic situation could change a lot over the next few months, none of this could have been predicted and they wanted to book and join you - it’s not your fault. Good luck and have a wonderful wedding.

Get married then have the blessing afterwards. My sister did this (precovid) for different reasons and it was absolutely fine. Goodluck OP

Oops seize 🤭