To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

I think I would email everyone and say that the plan at this time is to go ahead unless it’s cancelled, but you understand that circumstances have changed and you want to give everyone the opportunity to drop out with no hard feelings before the balance payments are due.

. See what comes back. You may find that a lot of other guests are hoping you give them an easy way out.

So 30 people are still happy to pay and come to the wedding, 12 others have had to drop out due to circumstances but are all ok with this.

It seems to me that there is only one person causing all of this dillemma the one who;

feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

This person wants 30 people to lose money or transfer their holiday and pay even more money because they aren't happy? I think that person needs a reality check.

Surely the people who dropped out did not expect you to cancel your wedding because they couldn't go?

At the moment it's just loss of deposit. If anyone pulls out in the 3 months beforehand then yes we'd be liable for the full balance but I believe everyone should of paid in full by then.

Do you have a plan for what happens if they haven’t paid in full? What happens if they simply cannot afford it at that point?

As everyone else says you’re in between a rock and a hard place here. If I’m going on a holiday not of my choosing for your wedding then I want it to be for your wedding. I also either want to do that or I want all my money back.

I think you simply cannot afford to cancel so you have to stick it out and hope for an insurance payout.

How much was the deposit lost by people who have already pulled out? - have you reimbursed them?

How much would you have to reimburse now if you pulled out completely? And would you?

Did you not take out wedding insurance given you were going abroad?

If you want your nearest and dearest to see you get married cancel and arrange something smaller and more local. Doesn't have to be a registry office if it's next year (hopefully the 15 person limit will be lifted by then)

Personally I'm not sure I'd be comfortable travelling long haul as soon as April especially if I had kids in tow - can't expect them to wear masks for hours etc.

Check your insurance, if you’re covered keep the wedding in April, that way if travel restrictions are okay the wedding goes ahead, if not you get a refund which means guests get a refund.

I would go ahead, one thing this year has taught us is to not put life on hold. If you want to get married then have a baby go ahead and do that. You can plan a blessing etc at some point.

@MrsBrunch

Just stick with Plan A

If it gets cancelled the insurance will pay everyone back and you can marry in the UK.

If it doesn't get cancelled you go ahead and marry abroad which was what you wanted to do anyway.

What's the problem?

This is how I feel too, if it goes ahead and you can do it as planned but some people aren't there then you can do something back in the UK when it's possible too - a lovely family and friends party to celebrate being married. It would be so unfair for the people who are coming along to lose their money because some other people can't make it. You'll still have a fabulous time! And if it can't go ahead due to travel restrictions hopefully insurance will mean they don't lose out. I would book a holiday for a destination wedding for a close loved one, but wouldn't have such an expensive holiday otherwise - so it would be incredibly unfair to say well they would be going on holiday anyway so they can just transfer to a different holiday. I think you need to take a step back - you wanted to get married there, with lots of people you care about. Ok so some of those people might not be able to come, so you have another party with them when they can make it. I understand it's not ideal but in the grand scheme it's something you can remedy and still celebrate with everyone - just not all at once in that destination on that day.

I’d have the official wedding here (register’s office) so that those who are missing the trip can attend.

Still go through with the April trip for the reasons you have said yourself.

@BessieSurtees

So 30 people are still happy to pay and come to the wedding, 12 others have had to drop out due to circumstances but are all ok with this.

It seems to me that there is only one person causing all of this dillemma the one who;

feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

This person wants 30 people to lose money or transfer their holiday and pay even more money because they aren't happy? I think that person needs a reality check.

I agree with this and it's a real eye-opener for someone you are about to marry. You should be able to discuss this between you and agree a compromise that might upset you or him/her but does not leave your guests completely inconvenienced or out of pocket. You 2 have to pull together and suck it up. Support each other and realise that a wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime.

@Covidwedding

As others have said we're hesitant to approach everyone incase we get a total mix of opinions, or people start worrying we'll pull out at a later date and don't feel comfortable paying their balances, etc. We've spoken to people in terms of "how do you feel about the wedding with all this Covid stuff" and people have been pretty unanimous on thinking things will be better by then and they aren't too concerned. A few mentions of worst case scenario it gets cancelled by Covid we get paid back. I don't want to mention our plan until we have one really. Admittedly another issue is that so far most of the people that have pulled out are from one family, the other sides family are all in very different situations and are high earners. It's just a mess!

Oh dear. I think the friends and family you have consulted are deluded - things aren't going to "be better" by April, not much anyway, and yet also nothing will be cancelled by Covid.

I think you have to go ahead but hope that it gets cancelled closer to the time.

It is totally unfair that 30 people have made a significant time and financial commitment to you then you cancel simply because others had to.

If everyone is booked in your name I think legally you are liable for full payment. I’d be looking into this ASAP. We’ve just postponed a holiday with 2 other families. I’m the ‘lead’ organiser but made sure that each family have their own contract or I’d have to pay.

I would be really hoping that it cancelled due to Covid and you all get a refund.

That aside I would do a registry office marriage here for the absolute key inner circle (assuming numbers very limited) and then abroad too.

Presumably with modern technology both ceremonies can be live steamed to those not in attendance so they are still part of it?

I too would be concerned that you have very different attitudes towards other people and their financial situation and what the "right" thing to do is.

My brother was in a similar situation. Was meant to get married April this year, they pushed it to October and then pushed it to April next year and have now cancelled it.

It wasn’t technically a destination wedding but they’re in Australia and it was in the uk so plenty of people were flying from all over the world to be there.

It’s just shit, I feel so sorry for them.

@harridan50

Sorry this has happened A registry office wedding is no more fake than a wedding on a beach I would go and get married if possible and have a blessing when you return. You cannot really leave 30 people out of pocket over this

I agree with harridan ^

Get married at home at the registry office, use the money already spent on a honeymoon, deferred if necessary. Get everyone else to transfer their funds to other holidays.

Simple.

I would go ahead. If I were a guest who had to pull out I would feel devastated to think you had then cancelled your wedding in part because of me. I do think you should arrange a big party post covid and get all the family together.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to plough ahead and wait to see if Covid affects your plans, rather than doing something about it yourself. Guests pulling out is the risk you take with a destination wedding, with or without Covid it's a common theme. You chose to marry abroad therefore you kind of have to accept the difficulties and complications it brings, including guests dropping out, regardless of whether they're mostly from one side or not.

I think you need to go ahead with it op. If I'd forked out thousands to attend your wedding and you cancelled it, I would absolutely expect you to reimburse me the full cost. It's a hell of a lot of money to lose and a transfer to another holiday just wouldn't cut it.

Get married abroad as planned then have a blessing in UK. Those who couldnt go abroad could hopefully come to the blessing. Nobody loses money, hopefully everybody gets to see either wedding or blessing. Best out of a bad situation due to Covid.

I;d be hacked off it you decided other guests who dropped out where more important than your friends who are attending.

Doing a registry wedding here first is also cheeky, as i would have paid on the basis i WAS going to see the actual legal wedding, not some fake blessing.

(if it is say one's parents who can't attend due to illness, then that may be different than if it's just other friends/siblings)

I think you need to speak to every guest and see what they all say. You can't make decisions for them

I think the problem with putting it off a year is people who backed out due to finances may not have recovered enough to go by then. If people have been furloughed or lost their jobs and had to rely on savings or even getting into debt, they may not have spare cash for an expensive holiday for someone else’s wedding.

I think you should go and get married abroad then have a blessing in the UK for those who couldn’t go to the actual wedding (and those who did it they want, covid restrictions on numbers permitting)

@BessieSurtees

So 30 people are still happy to pay and come to the wedding, 12 others have had to drop out due to circumstances but are all ok with this.

It seems to me that there is only one person causing all of this dillemma the one who;

feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

This person wants 30 people to lose money or transfer their holiday and pay even more money because they aren't happy? I think that person needs a reality check.

Agreed? They can’t honestly feel they’ll never get over not having these people at the wedding. Weddings, while lovely, are not the be all and end all and 30 people are paying a large amount of money to come to yours, you can’t just cancel it for a reason like this. Also, if I was one of the people who could no longer afford to go, I’d never expect the wedding to be cancelled and would be mortified if I found out that 30 other people had lost money because of it. I’d feel so guilty someone had cancelled their dream wedding because I (and a few other family members) couldn’t make it.