To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

they'll never get over getting married without these people there

I’m sorry to say that this person is being a bit hysterical. Marriage is a long business and in ten years time when you’re arguing over the mortgage and kids, and you need family support, who was there on the wedding day won’t matter.

I agree- it's shit that this is happening, but surely the marriage is what's important not the wedding

My wedding is booked For October 2021 in Florida. We also want to try for a baby after the wedding but with all the uncertainty at the moment we’ve made the decision to postpone to June 2022. We haven’t decided what we will do about trying for a baby. We already have one dd so may just wait til after the wedding still.
It’s a tough situation to be in, I feel your pain!

I don't think you can ask the guests what they want to do, it will be a nightmare with 20 different suggestions. I've been trying to arrange a weekend away with some friends for 2 years and there's only 6 couples.

You need to check in which the 30 who are going and make sure they’re fully onboard -some may be uncomfortable Travelling and are hoping you’ll cancel so they won’t have to disappoint you.

If they all intend to travel I’d provably feel obliged to go ahead. Do the official bit at home with close family who can’t attend and go ahead with rest.

Is your wedding in Mexico? Cancun etc seem to be handling COVID tourism really well.

Oh man. Again I’m so sorry.

I assume you have spoken with agents to see what your options are?

The Caribbean has generally been quite stringent throughout with travel and it’s probably unlikely that this will change any time soon.

I don’t know what I would do, but speaking to each guest to get a gist of what they are thinking may help you make a decision.

I would do a family email explaining your predicament and saying that you understand some people can no longer afford to come and others are worried about the pandemic. This is obviously not situation you planned or envisaged. See what people say they want to do. You may be surprised how many breath a sigh of relief and are happy to pull out. Could you suggest a wedding at home and then a big family holiday abroad once its safe

We don’t spend lots of holidays because we are saving for a bigger house. If it were someone really close to me we would consider it, and only spend out like this is if it was someone really close to us.

If it then got cancelled and I that money because more important people couldn’t come, I’d be so angry - transferring to another holiday would be irrelevant because we would have only done it to go to the wedding.

I know you’re in a shitty situation, our wedding venue went bankrupt a month before our wedding and we had to move it which meant moving everyone’s accommodation, finding places for everyone, booking transport we didn’t originally need etc etc. It was really stressful. I know this isn’t what you’d planned but I think either having a small ceremony here and then having it or deferring a year are your only options.

I would go ahead with the 30 who have paid.

The others who are having to drop out, that's unfortunate, but they must understand you won't cancel your wedding because they can't go. Particularly as you checked with them before booking.

They will lose their deposits, but then they would lose the deposit with any holiday they'd booked then found they couldn't afford the balance.

Have a party in the UK afterwards with those who now can't go.

I wouldn't delay another year, if 2020 has taught us anything, it's making the most of now, not putting things off, because you don't know whats round the corner.

I completely agree with blackcat86

I think I'd go for the registry office do in the UK option with the Caribbean version being used simply as a celebration. It's undoubtedly the legal version which is the "real" wedding even if you do have to keep it small. I know it's more expense, but you could maybe look at another celebration in the UK on your first anniversary or something?

Just stick with Plan A

If it gets cancelled the insurance will pay everyone back and you can marry in the UK.

If it doesn't get cancelled you go ahead and marry abroad which was what you wanted to do anyway.

What's the problem?

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out

I agree with this - and if it's cancelled nearer the time because of Covid then hopefully the insurance will reimburse everyone who's paid

As long as you've got insurance which covers this of course ...

OP if the whole thing is cancelled due to covid does everyone get all their money back?

If everyone who is still coming lost just their deposits that would still be just under 20k for us to refund them all. There is no way in hell we could find the money to do that without taking out extensive loans. That's without knowing whether those who have paid in full would get the additional money back either

Sorry but I think if you cancel (or are forced to cancel eg if a travel ban comes in next April or new quarantine laws) you owe it to these 30 people to reimburse them in full, even if you do it in instalments over several years.

That’s why I would cancel before people pay in full. A debt of £20 could easily triple or quadruple if people start paying in full.
£20 is around the cost of the average wedding these days. You may have to skimp on luxuries and have a simple registry office ceremony instead but I think paying people back is the honourable thing to do.

In your shoes I’d tell everyone today you are cancelling to prevent anyone making a full payment, and set up payment plans to reimburse their deposits in instalments. Some may refuse and write the money off but at least you are offering.

Can you not re-coup any of the wedding costs at all if you cancel now?

As others have said we're hesitant to approach everyone incase we get a total mix of opinions, or people start worrying we'll pull out at a later date and don't feel comfortable paying their balances, etc. We've spoken to people in terms of "how do you feel about the wedding with all this Covid stuff" and people have been pretty unanimous on thinking things will be better by then and they aren't too concerned. A few mentions of worst case scenario it gets cancelled by Covid we get paid back. I don't want to mention our plan until we have one really. Admittedly another issue is that so far most of the people that have pulled out are from one family, the other sides family are all in very different situations and are high earners. It's just a mess!

If travel to the Caribbean is unlikely in April next year I would speak to the organiser/ travel agents and say that the guests want to defer paying anymore until travel restrictions are clearer nearer the time.

Then once they cancel it surely everyone would just get their money back.

Have you got wedding insurance??

My friend was somewhat in this situation.
She had her wedding on a Greek island in September.

A week before it went, the rules changed to have to quarantine for 2 weeks when arriving back in the UK. It was only a small wedding but as a result myself (maid of honour) and the bridesmaids and several other guests had to drop out as the quarantine made it impossible with work.

They went ahead with the wedding, thankfully everyone who dropped out managed to transfer flights to places without quarantine so had to pay a relatively small flight adjustment fee and we were able to cancel the hotel without cost.

My friend was upset that we weren’t there but they would of lost too much money cancelling it. We plan to have a big blessing party for them when we can.

I think registry office and then another wedding abroad. Everyone wins that way x

I agree with nicelyneurotic. What has the wedding cost you and your fiance so far?

@AdelaMia

I completely understand your feeling of not wanting to cost all the 30 guests that much money, but if they have the option of transferring what they already paid to a different holiday, isn't this a great way out for them? This sounds different to me than them just losing outright what they paid for so far.

This.

What an awful, difficult situation to find yourselves in.

FWIW I would go ahead in April, and have it be the proper wedding (given how much effort your remaining guests have made to be with you). Then big party here some time in the future.

Not ideal but nothing will be and it really isn't your fault. I wouldnt defer another year because other people have lives that need to move on too.

You shouldn’t punish the people are still going for the actions of the people who can’t.

I'm in a similar situation. We had planned a wedding in my home village, abroad and had to postpone. We're not sure everyone will be willing to travel net year and it feels like it's a second choice wedding anyway already, even if nothing of the plan changed (so far).

We have discussed the option of getting married here, but we don't agree with the set-up, I would prefer a small wedding family and very close friends only because I want to keep money for the 'other wedding', he wants the big fat wedding because he can.

In your case, I would get married at the registry office, probably make the ceremony a little bit fancier, and then make the destination bit as a honeymoon with family, renewal of the vows in 22.

We also have the baby question, and decided to TTC either way next year.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

they'll never get over getting married without these people there

I’m sorry to say that this person is being a bit hysterical. Marriage is a long business and in ten years time when you’re arguing over the mortgage and kids, and you need family support, who was there on the wedding day won’t matter.

This. My granny wasn't able to come to ours because she was too frail, I would of course have given anything for her to be there, but I don't look back now and think who was and wasn't there. What I do feel upset about is that she died before she got to meet our daughter - only 2 months before she was born. I'd have loved for them to know each other.

I’d go ahead with it. If you defer - those who’ve pulled out still may not be able to come in 2022. You still have 30 which is more than you’d have here in the UK for the foreseeable.