To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

I think the registry office first would be the way to go.

A little bit of info regarding UK weddings that may impact your decision making (I work in the wedding industry btw, although, maybe not so much working at the moment!).

Before the current lockdown, where no weddings can take place except for in exceptional circumstances, you could only have 15 people including the bride and groom attend a legal or religious wedding ceremony plus a reception in a covid secure venue (meaning you couldn't have it in a private residence or garden, and if you were in tier 3 then no reception at all). You couldn't have just a reception without the ceremony and, if I remember correctly, it couldn't be a blessing either. As an industry, we were told by the government to expect these restrictions to be in place until at least the end of March.

If we're lucky, we'll go back to the restrictions we had prior to that, which was 30 people (although this also had to include the two registrars plus anyone else working at the wedding, e.g. photographer, musicians, but not venue/catering staff). However, at the moment, we really do not have any clear indication as to if, when or how the restrictions will be lifted.

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were aware of what you may need to consider if you are thinking about doing any part of your wedding in the UK.

Person1’s idea (registry office) sounds like a clear winner to me.

If it isn't cancelled then you need to go ahead.

You can't prioritise a few that have dropped out over the 30 still in.

Id go ahead and arrange a do/blessing over here for when things are better, which is quite often the norm for destination weddings.

What a horrible dilemma, I’m so sorry for you. Have you thought about contacting all of them and getting their opinions? The majority might be happy to go ahead with their booked holidays regardless of the wedding? In which case you could organise something at home on a simpler scale when it’s safe. That way you could still try for baby without risk of long haul flight whilst pregnant. If I were one of the guests I would understand, let you off the hook and make my own arrangements re holiday/cancellation etc.

Could you not go ahead as planned and have a Bring and Share blessing next summer for everyone plus the extras that you couldn't plan for before (hire a farmer's field and rent a couple of portaloos or head for a usually quiet beach, or maybe arrange something at a camp site and make a weekend of it (many have fields specifically for groups like this).

It could be very different but just as nice as a less formal celebration for all those unable to attend the wedding

I would just go ahead with it and do the at home thing aswell! It’s not an ideal situation at all for anyone but I think I wouldn’t like to cancel on the other people that paid myself. Only you know what’s best for you though!

I haven't read all the responses so don't know if this has been mentioned but I would postpone the wedding until 2022 HOWEVER

I would get married in the uk this year.
Continue with plans for a baby.
Give anybody who has booked the wedding 2 options...1) transfer their payment to a holiday they want 2) come with you next year when you can renew your vows/have a blessing and hopefully baby moon??

@nicelyneurotic

You should go ahead as planned for the people who have paid for the holiday, and have a blessing at home afterwards for those who had to drop out.

This sounds like the best idea so far to me. Sorry you are going through all this stress.

Id go ahead as well if restrictions allow. The situation is unfortunate but it's not of your making. If you go ahead your guests that can go don't lose out and you still get married as planned. Zoom it for tge others and have a massive party for your first anniversary.
Must be tough for you but if you make a decision and stick to it your stress levels will come down.

I would say have a registry office wedding here, because then everybody will be able to attend. Then do the blessing abroad if possible. OR wedding abroad as originally planned and blessing at home. It doesn't matter which way round. None of this is your fault.