To ask what the hell I'm supposed to do about my wedding?

[Covidwedding]

20 months ago my partner and I booked a destination Caribbean wedding. I know the general MN opinion on destination weddings, so please hold back from telling me I've been selfish as it really is too late and all families were consulted before booking.

Obviously we didn't predict a pandemic. It's been a shit storm of a year, my hours and wages have reduced dramatically, we nearly cancelled the wedding as we were worried we couldn't afford it but it meant all our family and friends that had booked would lose their money, and no way could we afford to reimburse. A loan was agreed with my parents to avoid this.

We had a few older family members drop out a few months ago, due to health concerns with covid which we fully understood. Arranged a zoom for the ceremony and apologised for the sheer shittiness of it all.

Full balances are due in six weeks for those have been paying in instalments, and we've had a few people come forward and say they don't have it, their financial situations have changed and it's impossible. The issue is these are important people, siblings, wedding party etc. It's a complete mess. We are still in the same situation where if we cancel all money is lost, and although we've lost about 12 guests who know they'll lose money, they've chosen to not attend and are ok with the implications. There are still 30 who are still in and paid up.

My partner and I are on very different pages with how to handle it, though one of us has lost more guests from their family than the other so we may be seeing things through biased eyes.

One of us wants have a legal registry office ceremony here first with all the family who can't attend, but to keep the destination wedding as a 'blessing' despite knowing it won't be the wedding we had in mind but also knowing that we have no means to reimburse the 30 remaining guests and don't want to cause family rifts by pulling the plug.

The other feels too many important people have pulled out and it's not right to go ahead, they'll never get over getting married without these people there and that the other guests can decide whether to lose the money or to transfer the balance to another holiday of their choosing. They also aren't happy with a registry office do for those who can't come as feels it's a 'fake' wedding and the 'real' wedding will always be the destination one.

Please can I have opinions, not abuse, I'm so torn over it all. With hindsight we wouldn't of booked this wedding, but it's far too late for that.

You need to defer I think

I think you have to go ahead with it but have another event at home and tell guests that you will understand if they don't want to attend the wedding abroad.It seems like you have a lot of guests that have already agreed to pay a high price to attend - I don't think you can let them down at this stage.

Go ahead and get married at destination, have a blessing in the UK when everyone can come.

I completely understand your feeling of not wanting to cost all the 30 guests that much money, but if they have the option of transferring what they already paid to a different holiday, isn't this a great way out for them? This sounds different to me than them just losing outright what they paid for so far.

I’d go ahead with the wedding. I know people have dropped out but you don’t know if their position would be any different if you postpone it a year. Other people have booked leave from work and paid up, they may endure further costs and hassle moving flights and also may not be able to make it in 2022. Have a blessing and party when you get back.

OP I don’t envy your situation it sounds like a mess, and I’m sure there’s a lot of others in very similar situations. Personally I would defer it to 2022 because 2021 will be miserable again by April as I’m sure we’ll be in the 3rd lockdown here and abroad. What a fucker,

Have you spoken with the other 30 guests? Could be that they are wavering - wanting to be with you for the wedding but not actually wanting to go? Or happy to go on a fab holiday whether your wedding is part of it or not. I think this is one of those situations where you need to speak to the people involved rather than poll random strangers on Mumsnet.

This won’t be popular but here goes

I think if I booked to attend a destination wedding, I’d be aware the wedding could be cancelled for any reason and it would become a holiday.

(I’d never do something like that, I don’t have the cash).

Re the people who’ve booked, weren’t they planning a holiday?

I wouldn’t delay it further and take on extra costs.

You need to cancel the destination wedding, accept that the money is lost and just have a simple ceremony here. There is nothing ‘fake’ about a registry office wedding - it’s legally binding. Being blunt, you need to accept that the important thing is being married to the person you love rather than a fancy Caribbean do. Start thinking about it as a marriage and building your future together, not just a wedding.

My view is you should NEVER expect other people to get into financial difficulties for your wedding. You shouldn’t be getting into debt for your own wedding either as that borrowing will still be hanging over you if you have a baby in a few years time.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Can you say who it is that cant make it?

why is it fake if its done here-dont get that at allif youre not willing topostpone then just have the blessing there with people who can make it

Leaving the current covid requirements aside, if you did a thing here and then a thing there, why would the thing here need to be only for the people who couldn't make it to the thing there? Why couldn't it be for everyone?

Also, how would you feel about asking the remaining attendees who haven't dropped out what their opinion is? It may help show the way forward.

I think it's extremely unlikely that anyone will be able to travel to the Caribbean by April 2021. It's just not going to happen. So I would plan on cancelling all together, or defer until 2022. Just way too much uncertainty at the moment to think this will happen in April 2021. Sorry.

In my opinion given that you can’t reimburse them, you have to carry on with whoever is still there.

It’s shit and I sympathise it the other options aren’t fair on others:

Deferring will increase the costs to those attending as the holiday costs more.

Cancelling means that those who can still attend will lose money.

Whereas continuing avoids that. Those who have dropped out entirely have made that choice and therefore their lost money isn’t for you to have to sort. I understand that not everyone you and your fiancé want will be there but you can have a big party back here when it’s allowed.

Good luck

I'm voting for go ahead anyway. If I was one of the party who could still attend and I had been paying in instalments towards the holiday, I would be fuming if you cancelled and I lost a load of money because some other relative couldn't make it.

You really can't cancel and expect 30 guests to lose their money. Yes, they could still go and have a holiday but they are probably only going to that destination for your wedding and wouldn't choose it in a million years if it was for a normal holiday.

If everyone who is still coming lost just their deposits that would still be just under 20k for us to refund them all. There is no way in hell we could find the money to do that without taking out extensive loans. That's without knowing whether those who have paid in full would get the additional money back either

@itsgoodtobehome

I think it's extremely unlikely that anyone will be able to travel to the Caribbean by April 2021. It's just not going to happen. So I would plan on cancelling all together, or defer until 2022. Just way too much uncertainty at the moment to think this will happen in April 2021. Sorry.

If this the likelihood then everyone should stay firm and hope for insurance to fork out.

I think the trouble is restrictions will be released slowly and designed in such a way that travel isn’t actually banned and insurance won’t then pay.

I’d get married in a registry office as soon as you are able to.

Keep the original April plans as they are. IF the company cancel, everyone will be reimbursed and you can then arrange a reception/celebration at home.
If I was a guest I’d be reluctant to travel so far next April.

@Covidwedding

If everyone who is still coming lost just their deposits that would still be just under 20k for us to refund them all. There is no way in hell we could find the money to do that without taking out extensive loans. That's without knowing whether those who have paid in full would get the additional money back either

I think you’re overthinking that part. Everyone knows the risks with booking this kind of thing.

The option of going ahead with the destination holiday as a blessing with a real registry office wedding first sounds like the perfect compromise.

I don’t really understand the other option. That person has said what they don’t want but what do they want to do?

Stick to the plan, arrange for a UK blessing at home afterwards, hope covid kiboshes it so that everyone gets their money back and both of you give yourselves a shake and accept that this is shit all around: there is no magic solution, and arguing about the ins and outs of an round shit situation that neither of you can control or change is just going to turn the problem inwards to the pair of you and start your marriage off badly. Neither of you will get exactly what you want here because you fundamentally can’t so stop trying to. Both of you accept that it’s crap and deal with it from there - talk of ‘fake’ weddings etc aren’t helping.

I would go ahead in April! I imagine things will look much better by then with covid, with pre testing for flights etc.

IF there is another lockdown you can then defer the date to the following year.

I would go ahead with the wedding, and host a small garden party in the summer for those that can not attend. You can wear your dress and have a second celebration! That is most definitely what I would do, without a doubt.

I would not let down the 30 guests still coming!

Plan for this spring, but stay flexible enough to switch if you need, ie contain your excitement until you are on the plane having a glass of champagne.

@Covidwedding

If everyone who is still coming lost just their deposits that would still be just under 20k for us to refund them all. There is no way in hell we could find the money to do that without taking out extensive loans. That's without knowing whether those who have paid in full would get the additional money back either

That's your answer then isn't it, cancelling isn't really an option. What does the person who wants to cancel suggest as a solution to this?

Can you postpone to later next year October or so. Give the people who can’t afford it a few more months to save and spread the cost but not to long to affect your baby plans ? I know it’s so shit we had to cancel our wedding this year there’s just no way to keep everyone happy. But with more time some of the ones that have dropped out might be able to make it and if they still can’t at least you know you tried xx

Does it all depend on if those 30 people can move thier paid up monies to another holiday?