Page 8 | To not give him a son

SimonJT · 15/11/2020 13:06

So if you decided to have another baby, when daughter number three is born will he then decide he would like a forth child to try and have a boy?

My parents had three boys and finally the forth was a girl, the moment she was born it became very clear that out of all of us she was the only wanted child.

Why does he think having a son will be different to having a daughter, the only thing a son can do that a daughter can’t is peeing standing up.

We can choose whether our second is a boy or girl, we won’t because it doesn’t matter what they have between their legs, just as it doesn’t matter what colour hair they have, or what eye colour.

Newmumatlast · 15/11/2020 13:08

@headlingfortrouble

Name changed for this. I have 2 beautiful daughters with my husband and he would desperately like to have a son.

I know he really wanted a boy last time and was disappointed when we had another girl although to be honest although I didn't mind as long as we had a healthy child I was glad we had 2 girls close in age as they are great together.

Anyway dh keeps saying he wants a son and we should try one more time but I know he only wants a son and although he says he will love another girl regardless I have said NO based on him only wanting another child because it's one more shot at it being a boy.
He says I'm being unfair and denying him the chance of a son if I don't agree to trying one more time who is being unreasonable here?

He is being unreasonable. Denying him the chance? He had the chance the last two times. Where would it end? He should be happy with his beautiful daughters and hope they never pick up on how disappointed he feels about not having a son.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/11/2020 13:09

Chances of a son are likely to be lower than 50 50: if there have been two children of the same sex then it's much more likely than not that a third sibling will also be the same sex (although this chance decreases as the age gap between any new siblings increases). If you already have two or more children of the same sex it is likely that for whatever reason, your./ his body / chemistry is predisposed to producing children of that sex.

Also people arguing that when mums are disappointed they get a lot of sympathy about gender disappointment, miss some key points -

Women posting about gender disappointment are normally posting after a scan showing the sex, rarely about an actual real life child - most threads that I've seen show that mothers tend to accept it once the baby is there even if they were initially disappointed.

It's the womans body that has to go through another pregnancy and birth

People rarely get sympathy on here for trying to force their partner to change their mind about having another child, especially if it is for a reason such as sex of the child rather than just wanting another child (even in these situations eg one parent wants to stop at one child and the other wants two, the general consensus is that the parent that doesnt 'wins' the argument as it's not fair on the child if both parents dont want it)

I think it's awful he is trying to pressure you into such a massive thing when he can't even articulate the reasons why. Like others have said, if he isn't going to treat a boy differently then why does he want one? If he is going to trest them differently then this would have a negative affect on your daughters. I'd be worried he thinks having a boy is somehow 'better'.

pinkyredrose · 15/11/2020 13:20

Have the DC developed their gender identities yet? He might already have a son!

BuntysTwinkle · 15/11/2020 13:25

I’m sure you are happy OP! How would you feel if you had 2 boys.

Hi, two boys here. More than happy, thank you... As I would be with two girls, or one of each. Not all of us are fixated on baby genitals or how they might inform personalities.

Chocowally · 15/11/2020 13:25

you are both BU. You for engaging in the ‘giving him’ children school of thought.

Him for chasing some strange dream/expectation of a son (and heir).

If you do have a son will it be the ‘right’ kind of son? What would that even be anyway..

Maybe one of your daughters will marry the ‘son’ he’s dreaming of. And they’ll have 3 boys.

Is he a good dad? He sounds dreadful.

TheRuleofStix · 15/11/2020 13:30

@wellthatsunusual you've never seen the phrase "gender disappointment" used on MN??? Seriously!

The outpouring of sympathy I've seen for women who "desperately" want a daughter is endless. Yes, tempered with lots of women who tell them not to be so ridiculous, but still a good number who sympathize and agree with them. As a mum of boys I used to shake my head in wonder at the crap that I've read over the years. It washes over me now but it really bloody hurt in the early years.

Ismellphantoms · 15/11/2020 13:31

My ex SIL was desperate for a boy. He envisaged a sports lover like himself and imagined all the father/son sporty stuff they could do together. Son duly arrived. Hates anything to do with sport and cries if he has to do it at school. Your DH is in fantasy land.

RedMarauder · 15/11/2020 13:32

@pinkyredrose

Have the DC developed their gender identities yet? He might already have a son!

RedMarauder · 15/11/2020 13:32

@FelicityPike

Imagine if a few years down the line, after he got his previous son & heir, that said son announced they were transgender and daddy dear ended up with three girls after all. He is definitely BU.

Adoptthisdogornot · 15/11/2020 13:54

Who's this imaginary son DH so desperately wants? Is he sporty and macho and going to go to the pub with him and will there be banter and kickabouts in the park? Because maybe you have a son, and he's really artistic, and quiet and introverted and hates sports and is gay. Would that be a problem for your DH?

SandyY2K · 15/11/2020 13:57

@ZoeTurtle

Can you link some of these threads where it's all sympathy?

Here are a few. I had a quick look through them and couldn't see any insults. There are some posters saying to get over it and be grateful...but nothing like "You're a twat, an idiot, c*not, knob or any other derogatory words.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3914549-Gender-disappointment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3136876-gender-disappointment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/2691254-gender-disappointment

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3505373-Gender-disappointment

dottiedodah · 15/11/2020 13:58

Sorry just off to check the date. (Oh yes , 2020 not 1950 ) Honestly what is he like FFS! Apparently the main reasons Boys were desired in the past, was to bring money in to the home and "look after" DP in their old age.Think that ship has sailed! The point is you could keep on going for ever ,and still "Not hit the Jackpot " as it were.DD are people in their own rights .Why do you have to go through pregnancy and birth for a possible baby of the male species!

PatchworkElmer · 15/11/2020 14:05

I feel the same way about this as when women post on here about wanting a girl- it’s based in some sexist ideal about what boys and girls ‘should’ be. It’s utter bollocks. He’d get short shrift from me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2020 15:27

There are around one hundred million 'missing' women and girls worldwide because of the preference for boys in many cultures. Missing in this context means aborted or dead, for clarity.

When comparing gender disappointment, context is helpful.

Feministicon · 15/11/2020 15:30

@borntohula

Is he Henry the Eighth? I think it's really unfair to guilt trip you for saying no to another pregnancy/baby and if he was disappointed about your second, I find it hard to believe he wouldn't be about a third. Also, no one should pressure their partner into having a baby, ever!? He is being unreasonable.

wellthatsunusual · 15/11/2020 15:33

[quote TheRuleofStix]@wellthatsunusual you've never seen the phrase "gender disappointment" used on MN??? Seriously!

The outpouring of sympathy I've seen for women who "desperately" want a daughter is endless. Yes, tempered with lots of women who tell them not to be so ridiculous, but still a good number who sympathize and agree with them. As a mum of boys I used to shake my head in wonder at the crap that I've read over the years. It washes over me now but it really bloody hurt in the early years.[/quote]
I never said that I'd never heard the phrase gender disappointment. Are you mixing me up with another poster?

MaudHatter · 15/11/2020 16:24

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Unreasonable is having 3 or more girls and still trying for a boy . Would you have wanted to try for a girl if you’d had two boys?
I have one of each and if my second had been a girl I would have tried again for a boy ( we did try again as would have liked another child , but it didn’t happen for us) . BUT I’m from a farming family and boys are very much desired to pass down the family name .

MaudHatter · 15/11/2020 16:24

*Family name and family land

diamond4u · 15/11/2020 16:31

I get why he so badly wants a son. I sooo badly want a daughter, but nothing can guarantee next child will be what I want and so I know I will be disappointed. He will be disappointed if it's another girl, don't believe him when he says otherwise, he needs to prove that regardless of gender he will be ecstatic, and not then want to have another try for boy.

manchestermom5 · 15/11/2020 16:42

Is he an Indian?

sweetkitty · 15/11/2020 16:43

I have three DDs and one DS (he’s the youngest). We wanted a fourth child not to have a son we both fully expected him to be a girl and had a name chosen and I just lived the idea of 4 girls. We were both shocked at the scan.

Most of the negativity came from other people, I remember when DD3 was a newborn some of the comments
“You’re poor DH another girl”
“Awe what a shame”
“Oh you can always try again”
Remember being so angry on DD3s behalf, and of course once I had DS I was told that’s me I can stop now I’ve got my boy

A few relatives will ask “how’s DS and the girls?”

Annoys me no end, all my DC are so different I don’t see them as being girly or boyish. DS doesn’t like football, DD2 does for instance.

Your DH is really being unreasonable and like you I wouldn’t have another baby just to have a boy.

mbosnz · 15/11/2020 16:43

I have a family member whose role was apparently to provide 'an heir and a spare', and nothing would do but progeny with a willy. She has given her husband four beautiful daughters, and the most godawful brat of a son. I guess, they finally got the heir.

I so feel for their daughter.

mbosnz · 15/11/2020 16:43

s.

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/11/2020 16:44

Dh says he had a very slight preference for a girl first time round but kind of a 52/48 thing. he was absolutely delighted with the safe arrival of DS. We had another fairly quickly and he then had the same preference for another boy which is what we had. I was never fussed either way.

Original plan was to maybe have 3 but we had a period of infertility followed by two babies in 13 months so we were happy to call it a day.

To be honest I think if I'd had a hankering for a girl he would not have indulged it anyway as he felt that at over 40, he didn't want another baby and that was unlikely to change and we would not have coped with another quick arrival.

DSs are young adults now and i've enjoyed buying a couple of girly bits for DSs girlfriend. I'm happy with that and I also have nieces.