To not give him a son

[headlingfortrouble]

Name changed for this.
I have 2 beautiful daughters with my husband and he would desperately like to have a son.

I know he really wanted a boy last time and was disappointed when we had another girl although to be honest although I didn't mind as long as we had a healthy child I was glad we had 2 girls close in age as they are great together.

Anyway dh keeps saying he wants a son and we should try one more time but I know he only wants a son and although he says he will love another girl regardless I have said NO based on him only wanting another child because it's one more shot at it being a boy.
He says I'm being unfair and denying him the chance of a son if I don't agree to trying one more time who is being unreasonable here?

You can't "give him a son". It's a ridiculous sexist nonsense from the days when women were nothing but baby-making machines owned by men. Out of interest, how easy are your pregnancies? I nearly died in childbirth, does he recognise that risk and the lesser health risks women run?

What happens if you try and end up with triplet girls, try again?

Fuck that, he should be happy with his lot.

@Gobbycop I know someone that this happened to, had 2 DDs tried for a 3rd and identical triplet girls 😱 not sure if they were hoping for a boy!

This kind of man makes me hope that if he has a son it's nothing like him.

I hope his son is gay, into musicals and make up.

How would he like that OP? Children are individual human beings. Not a carbon copy of them that they want them to be.

Looks like this family really wanted a girl

www.msn.com/en-gb/news/offbeat/couple-with-14-sons-finally-welcome-first-daughter-after-30-years/ar-BB1aRNqJ

Thing is, it's not even a 50/50 chance. You are much more likely to have another girl.

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache

Re the double standards, at least when a woman wants to try for the opposite sex to existing children, they're the ones doing the actual carrying/birthing/breastfeeding/etc.And if you're incredibly unlucky like me, risking disability to do it.

Not quite the same as a man who wants a boy, is it.

There's no doubt that pregnancy physically affects women and they're the ones who take a risk....that's really not the issue here in relation to the double standards.

Bringing a child into the world is so much more than pregnancy and the infant stage. To suggest otherwise is really downplaying it to suit the double standard argument.

If the issue is the man is not hands on enough and doesn't step up with parenting during the early stages, then that's a very different argument and I would understand if this was the reason for not having another baby.

He is being very unreasonable here.

You don't want a third child. He wants a boy.

If you have a third daughter, he'll be disappointed and you'll be parenting a third child neither of you wanted (harsh I know - but true).

I can never understand people like your DH - I hope your girls never know how he feels.

I watched this happen; two healthy daughters, but DH really wanted one more try, probably nursing pipe dreams about a "mini me" who would be a proper bloke, big and hearty, companion for football matches, golf, the pub.......the final throw of the dice produced triplets. As so often happens with multiple births, they arrived early. Two more healthy, robust girls, and a noticeably smaller boy, who developed into the utter antithesis of butch. That's not a problem of course, but his father viewed it as such.
Mum was a doctor; she worked at the local Family Planning Clinic. You'd think she'd have been better aware of the odds.

I think it's also important not to downplay the risk and 'wear and tear' that a woman suffers during pregnancy. It's real easy for a man to suggest to keep on trying, he's not the one doing the hard yards throughout this process.

I knew quite a few families who had 5 or more kids on one sex and then the last kid was the other sex.
I also know one poor lot who has two boys and decided to have one more only to have triplets all boys.

You can't pick the sex you have.

Would you have another child if you'd already got a boy?

What if you have another girl?

We all know that just because the next baby might be assigned male at birth doesn't even mean the baby will not be a women anyway. And your two assigned female gender proginy might not be. So it really doesn't matter what gender you want, it is just about wanting a baby.

@rorosemary

The worst thing that can happen is that he actually gets a son. He'll never treat his children the same if he has such a strong preferance.

Absolutely. And his desperation for a son rather than a 3rd child in general, implies that he has quite fixed ideas about what he wants his son to be like. What is it about having a son that he's after? And what if the longed-for boy is nothing like the image your DH has in his head?

@mbosnz

I think it's also important not to downplay the risk and 'wear and tear' that a woman suffers during pregnancy. It's real easy for a man to suggest to keep on trying, he's not the one doing the hard yards throughout this process.

yes, what he really means is 'let me keep using your body as a piece of equipment to satisfy my whims' he wouldnt be so keen if it was his organs taking a battering!

I'm more than happy with my girls but he seems to think this is our last chance (age wise) so this is why he keeps on.

How old are you both? And how old are your DD's? I think that would be a deciding factor for me.

I had huge boys and difficult births, ending in c sections. As soon as the consultant told my DH it would be dangerous for me to have more - off he went, unbeknown to me, for a snip! .Good man.

Personally, I would say to him, that if he wants a son, he can rock on. As long as he can gestate and birth said son, the decision is entirely up to him. Because this body has closed up babymaking shop.

Agree with pp. If he wants a son he can grow one himself, you aren't a fecken oven.

I actually would be really creeped out and feel disrespected by someone who said I was being unfair not to have a kid.

Not unreasonable to want a boy. Very unreasonable to pressure your partner to try again, especially if male pressuring female as it is the female that takes on the health risks. Also unreasonable to not get over yourself if you don't have the child you expect and unreasonable to treat them less favourably. Also unreasonable to keep trying for the sake of getting one of the sex you want.

All these people questioning why he wants a son, would they say the same if you wanted a girl?!?

I would, and have, under various other user names.

Gender disappointment is rooted in sexist stereotypes, and as such I would have no sympathy for anyone who expressed that they had wanted a cild of a different sex.

My ex had said he wanted a son who would walk along and hold his hand (when young) and look up to him (meaning hero worship as well), who would show an interest in cricket and rugby, etc, etc. All "me me me" basically.

What he got was a son who never wanted to hold anyone's hand, didn't hero worship his dad (dad is abusive, so no surprise), and who absolutely hates team sports. And who ultimately doesn't have contact with his dad, by choice.

Girls and boys can do the same things, the only barriers are those created in our minds by the sexist steroetyping.

(I also have a DD. I'm not that fussed if I don't get to go wedding dress shopping, it's not a big thing to me.)

All children should be valued for who they actually are, not who we want them to be.

Foster as many boys as you and he want to, if any?

We're both 37 and our girls are 3 and 4 and no we're both English.

I have spoken to him at length today and he's finally accepted that I'm not prepared to try again.
He's disappointed as I knew he would be but he is great with the girls and knows he's lucky.

All these people questioning why he wants a son, would they say the same if you wanted a girl?!?

Absolutely.
My first baby was a girl, and then I had a spell of recurrent miscarriages. exMIL sent me a blue jacket one autumn for toddler DD, telling me, 'Don't worry, you'll have a boy to pass it down to.' I should have had the measure of exH's family at that point and run for the hills. exMIL derived her sense of self worth from the fact that she was the mother of sons.

The desire for one sex over the other is a desire for a mirror or a screen onto which the parent can project his or her own fantasies.

@TurquoiseDragon - agree 100%

Please don’t have another child with him. He really doesn’t sound fit to father the children he has.

Agreed, he sounds like an unfit father and if I were you I'd be surreptitiously making plans for an exit with your daughters before long.