Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

Im sorry to say but this is also a sign of PND. Thinking your baby is going to die through various actions etc.

It does get easier and I definitely had these thoughts but they tended to get better around 3-4 months.

Could you ring your HV as I think you might benefit from being referred for some counciling in case it is PND?

Ok. So you know this is irrational, but even so, the fear is real and you can’t ignore it.

Can you get a mattress breathing alarm? I know there’s pro’s and cons and they often false alarm, but being woken up by that has to be better than not sleeping at all?

Do you have the video monitors and such so you can watch him from downstairs?

I think you need to speak to someone, OP. Postnatal anxiety is a very real thing and it sounds like you're suffering tremendously for it. This won't just go away overnight by itself

I really think you should make an appointment to see your GP. All parents worry about SIDS, but this is really not a normal level of worry.

If it makes you more comfortable to keep him in your room longer term, then do so. It hurts no one to do that. But it’s impacting your sleep a lot then I’m not sure what else you can do other than maybe talk your anxieties through with a professional?

Try and stop looking at the pages that make you anxious though.

I agree about getting a mattress alarm. Sometimes they go off when they shouldn’t but I’ve never heard of one not going off when they should.

I’d also go and see your GP as well as seeing if you can do some CBT or similar to help.

Yes just to echo others OP. I had quite severe post natal anxiety, around health of Dd. I still do but am having weekly counselling and am a great deal better. Please talk to your GP.

I was the same - an Angel Care system and antidepressants saved my sanity. The Angel Care system is an under-mattress mat that monitors your baby's breathing and sounds an alarm if nothing is sensed for 30 seconds. It will only work if you keep your baby sleeping in his own cot though - and that's also the safest option for him with regards to SIDS.

@LG101

Could you ring your HV as I think you might benefit from being referred for some counciling in case it is PND?

I’m genuinely frightened of telling my HV how I feel. 😔

It does get easier, I didn't put my youngest into her own room until she turned 1 for the same reason and now she's 2 she sleeps through and I rarely wake up to check her in the night (used to be constant). At 9m they will be absolutely fine in your bed unless they have medical issues or there are other factors such as you and your partner smoking or drinking which doesn't sound like its the case. Breastfed babies are at a far lower risk of SIDS and 9m is way past the main danger zone for it. I have awful anxiety too, mines worse when pregnant but I'm still anxious about the kids too so I totally understand how you're feeling. It sounds like yours is really causing you a lot of unhappiness so I would speak to your GP and see if they can help at all.

Can you he tone if those monitor pads that goes under baby? In that doesn't help you then I think you should speak to your gp. It's normal to worry about your baby but I think the level of anxiety you're feeling isn't healthy and you would benefit from some proper help

I had these feelings as part of my pnd. I got an angel care alarm. There just isn't the mental health support for new mum's at the best of times, never mind now.

Hope you feel better soon.

A motion mat won't work on a 9m old because they'll just roll off it all the time at that age. Do speak to your HV or GP. You are describing classic PND symptoms and there is no shame in it. Have you thought about doing a baby and child first aid class to give you confidence in what to do in an emergency? I did one when I was pregnant and it only took a couple of hours but I felt so much better and less anxious.

Also - at 9 months the risk is massively reduced, and it's also an age at which sleep training can be really helpful to teach them how to self settle. Babies need to be taught this the same as everything else. I didn't listen to my paediatrician's advice and though my DS would grow out of being a crap sleeper/settler - at 19 months we were persuaded to try sleep training, it worked within 4 nights, DS was like a different child, so much more content because he wasn't constantly exhausted (and neither were we!).

Sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse. Talk to your GP, get an Angel Care, and research sleep training.

Can you get a mattress alarm

Do you have the video monitors and such so you can watch him from downstairs?

I had a brief chat with my HV when she did our 6 months check and she advised against the mattress sensor and said they tend to cause people more anxiety as they can go off a lot.

I do have video monitors but they don’t give me any reassurance 😔

@blackcat86

A motion mat won't work on a 9m old because they'll just roll off it all the time at that age. Do speak to your HV or GP. You are describing classic PND symptoms and there is no shame in it. Have you thought about doing a baby and child first aid class to give you confidence in what to do in an emergency? I did one when I was pregnant and it only took a couple of hours but I felt so much better and less anxious.

We found it worked fine at that age, as long as it was positioned in the centre of the mattress.

Poor you OP, you sound utterly exhausted - sleep deprivation is no joke. These fears seem quite extreme though, and certainly more than the usual new parent worries. Have you spoken to your GP/HV about how you’re feeling? It sounds like you need some support.

I’ve been there FWIW. It does get better

We used a Respisense buzzer which you clip to their nappy. It went off a couple of times when it came loose, but as he was next to me in his cot, I could see him kicking away. It was a sanity saver for us. Please get some support, you are in a cycle of anxiety which I imagine is stealing sleep (even more than babies normally do) and making you even tired/anxious in itself. It doesn't have to be like this.

@Francescat

These fears seem quite extreme though, and certainly more than the usual new parent worries. Have you spoken to your GP/HV about how you’re feeling? It sounds like you need some support.

I did mention it to my HV a few months ago but at the time I didn’t feel as bad as I do now.

My fear seems to be getting worse and not easing up.

I’m genuinely frightened of telling my HV how I feel

Honestly OP, there’s nothing to fear - they have seen it all before a million times.

I became pretty preoccupied with a fear that my daughter was going to be taken when she was about 4 months old. I ended up actively changing my mindset but if you can't do that, I think it is worth talking to your GP about it, or looking up a postnatal depression support group/charity for some support. Your worry seems out of proportion. SIDS is more likely around 2-3 months so he is out of the most risky period.

Post natal anxiety. In hindsight I had it after the birth of my toddler. I have diagnosed GAD which I've had under good control for years, but it definitely morphed into PNA after my last birth. I had the SIDs fear too, and would fixate on a certain thing - for example, bolting our bookcase to the wall - and couldn't rest until it was done, even though the baby was ages away from crawling and pulling up. And I mean I would fixate - I'd spend hours basically working out the best ways to make life a risk free zone from my baby, the absolute best car seat etc. It's really annoying because I was in no way depressed - loved maternity leave and was over the moon to have her, really enjoyed the baby years - but there was this parallel layer of anxiety running alongside. Invasive thoughts too, ugh.

I found it got a lot better almost overnight when she was about a year old. She was breastfeeding a lot less so I don't know if it was my hormones calming down a bit or what.

The other thing that helped was knowing that I'd done everything 100% in terms of safety - people laughed at me for this, and still do (still won't let my toddler have certain sweets because of the choking risk) but I don't care.

The other alternative is indeed to see your GP. After much persuasion I took anti anxiety drugs for 6 months, years ago, when my GAD got out of control, and they were life changing.

It's horrible though, you have my full sympathy.

OP you really do need to see your GP

You need to speak to someone. I understand why you would feel scared to tell your HV how you are feeling, but you have said yourself it has already got worse.

Echo another pp, it’s quite normal to worry and I certainly did - with both - but it fades at 3/4 months and then becomes a casual thought every now and then, briefly. Everyone worries, that’s normal. Your level of worry is not normal though. Please, please speak to your HV or GP - and please STOP googling!! It drove me mad the first few months. I know how hard it is. Every little thing. Lockdown and everything that’s going on I find gives you so much more time to dwell on your thoughts, every emotion is heightened (like postpartum hormonal emotions aren’t enough!) and it’s a tough and quite frankly shit time. There is no shame in asking for support, it’s exactly what HV’s and GP’s are there for. Lots of love.

@Izzysays I most definitely had PND and it can get out of control.

If you can’t speak to your HV, could you share what region of the country you are in? I bet someone on here would know a local charity that helps with PND. I do know of one but unsure if you are in my area.

It’s all confidential and no one else then needs to know