Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

You will feel so much better after you unload all of this on your GP and realise that you can be helped very easily.

It is completely normal to worry about your child but when worries start to affect your everyday life and interfere with your sleep and mental health then it's time to speak to your HV or GP imo. I had pnd and anxiety when my dd was small and I wish I'd got some professional help, it would have made life so much better for the whole family. They won't be shocked or think you're crazy I promise.

The whole point of anxiety is that it's not rational but there is usually a bit of truth in the fear, it's just that the reaction is out of proportion.

One of my anxious obsessions is worrying that I will mess up at work by sending an email to the wrong person. Now that would be bad in my job as v confidential so reasonable to be concerned about it. But I will check an email address over and over and over again. I will still find it difficult to actually send the email even when I have checked the email address 10 or 15 times. Now that is not a rational response. The thing is I know that, I know I'm overthinking it when I'm doing it but I still can't stop it. That's anxiety, honestly your GP will have heard it all before!

OP - your thoughts are not crazy, GP's, HV etc will have heard this over and over again and know how to help. Find something that helps short term e.g breathing monitor but engage with longer term help too. It's what they are all there for and absolutely will not think anything bad of you.

I have similar fears, although not to the degree you have now. In our case, our nephew died at 8 months of sids, so we are hyper aware of it and our baby is 5 1/2 months. We do have a breathing sensor on the mattress. Our health visitor told us it would make us worry, but I've slept so much better since we started using it at four months. The GP I spoke to was quite annoyed the HV had given this advice not to use the monitor as they both knew the family history and said understandably we would likely worry more than a n other person.

Definitely speak to someone, maybe the GP would be more helpful or more approachable than hv. And consider whether the monitor would help, at least to get some sleep. We've never had a false alarm yet

Of course it’s not normal to feel like this but please just buy the monitor, get some sleep and think again. If you transfer your anxiety elsewhere then it’s time for help.

We had an angelcare. No false alarms for us unless we picked them up and forgot to turn it off first. We used from 6mo to 2.5 years.

Also as no one has said on the parent monitor it has a little pendulum thing so as I was falling asleep I could ‘see’ DC breathing. I found it relaxes me considerably.

It’s not a finite solution, but it will give you some control back.

Yes, see your GP. As all others have said.

I would advise against the monitoring systems, they increase anxiety and I think their increasing prevalence in itself has increase anxiety in new mums to a significant degree. Because the impression is, you need this for the baby to be safe. Really, it is about companies exploiting our fears to sell us things.

I truly believe that PND manifests itself through a particular fear. Mind was breastfeeding. It wasn't working (only managed about 3 months with both of them) and I got terribly anxious about it - my main fear was that if we had been in an underdeveloped country without formula or clean bottles they'd have does. But they weren't, and they were fine. Your fear is sleep. You've done brilliantly so far but Do go and see your HV or GP and talk it through with your friends and family.

Lots of posters on here have recognised immediately that this irrational anxiety is probably PND and want to help you. That is exactly how you should expect your HV or GP to respond.

You need talking therapies and medication to solve this, not gadgets that will feed your obsession about monitoring your baby.

Please, please, make a GP appointment and get some help. You are supposed to enjoy the bedtime routine and feel content watching your baby sleep. PND is robbing you of so much and that isn't fair.

I had a sensor for both my kids. It only went off if I picked my baby up and forgot to switch it off. It didn’t cause me anxiety at all - it enabled me to sleep without worrying, which in turn made me less tired and less anxious.
Sensors pick up movement, and they’re quite large. They go under the mattress, and detect movement eg breathing. If movement stops the alarm goes off. A baby would have to wriggle right off the area covered by the sensor for the alarm to be triggered. It never happened with mine.

Asking for help means you are working to be the best mother you can be for your baby

Keep re reading that ^

I empathise massively. I was exactly the same. One thing I will say is, don’t get a monitor. It won’t solve the underlying issue. All it will do is either GIVE you anxiety in itself. Or your anxiety will transfer to something else (been there)

Go and talk to someone .. please, you dont need to Live like this.

My experience of going to the doctor about PND was so mundane as to be almost funny. I screwed my courage up for weeks (months) and was shaking and weepy when I went in, i was so stressed.

I told him I thought I had PND and he just half smiled sympathetically said yes, it’s very common, and referred me to the outreach MH team. They phoned the next day, and I had CBT And setraline.

I cannot describe the relief when I realised one morning that the ADs were working. I just woke up and felt....like .. me. Just normal. Utterly wonderful.

I wouldn’t mind but my bloody job revolves around assessing risk. I can’t tell you how bonkers it felt to look back and realise that I had list my sense of proportion about that. Of all things.

@BertieBotts

People are being kind suggesting things like motion alarms and new mattresses, but in reality this is not going to solve the problem or make you feel any better. The problem is not the risk of SIDS (which is really very very tiny at 9 months old) but the way you are responding to it, which is all tied up in mental health and the best thing to do about it is talk about how you are feeling and ask for help.

What is it that you are worried about in terms of speaking to the Health Visitor or GP?

Could you show your DH this thread to explain how you feel?

Thank you for saying this. It is completely true. The problem isn’t the tiny risk of SIDS, but the interpretation of the risk and reaction to that risk. It is most likely a symptom of a mental health problem whether that is anxiety or something else.

I know people are well intended here, but devices are unlikely to help. The OP has said that despite having a new mattress she is still worried about the risks from it and that the video monitor doesn’t help. I really think more devices are going to make her more, not less anxious. I mean this very kindly, but her fear is beyond rational and gadgets are just going to play into it eg she will then worry that the monitor isn’t working properly and so it won’t allay her fears at all, but will just feed her fear. I think suggesting that buying more devices will reassure her is akin to suggesting to someone with OCD and a fear of germs that they just need to clean more or buy new detergents and it is not going to solve the underlying anxiety.

I know I probably should speak to my GP or HV again but honestly I feel crazy with some of the things I worry about and I’m embarrassed to tell them
OP you really really should speak to your GP. They will almost certainly have heard similar before and they will be able to help you.

[quote Izzysays]@LG101

Could you ring your HV as I think you might benefit from being referred for some counciling in case it is PND?

I’m genuinely frightened of telling my HV how I feel. 😔[/quote]
So tell your GP.

@Poppinjay, @Goosefoot, @electronVolt, cross posted with all of you, but am glad you’ve all also said don’t get more monitors as they won’t solve the underlying issue. I felt quite alone in writing that advice.

[quote Izzysays]@PolytheneHam

We have an Angel Care and still use it at ten months. We've moved it to the centre of the cot and it very rarely goes off. It's a godsend for me. I suffer terribly with anxiety too.

How does it work if the baby moves around the cot?

I hadn’t really considered one before as when I mentioned it to my HV she said she didn’t recommend them as they can cause more anxiety because they go off a lot.
(That’s what she told us)[/quote]
I honestly think if your baby moves around a lot ( like mine) you would be better with an owlet sock or a nappy sensor.

@Izzysays I just want to say this resonates so much with me. When my DS1 was born I was so worried , it took over, I planned his funeral just incase , I mentally prepared myself for him to die and I didn't let him out of my sight. We co slept , we did it as safely as he would have been anywhere else- sheet each for me and DP no pillow , no smoking drink etc . We knew the risks but it actually meant I didn't really sleep for so long. It took me till he was 4 to actually admit it and I went for counselling . They helped me look where it stemmed from and have some understanding.

I think some of it is normal to an extent, I sometimes think about my children dying and I can't breathe but if it's constant please seek some additional support ❤️

Getting a sensor will not solve the problem. Your issue is bigger than that.

Please please pluck up the courage to tell your GP. You've said yourself that this anxiety is getting worse and worse and being transferred to other things as well. If you worry less about one thing you'll find something else to obsess about. This is how it works.

You need help with the root of this, not the symptoms. Listen to all the posters who've told you that counselling or CBT or antidepressants made this go away for them.

A gadget isn't the answer. Re-programming your mind's response to fear, is. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your baby.

About two minutes ago, DS cried and I went in to put his dummy back in. He was right at the top of the cot, but I guess his feet must've still been over the pad because the alarm didn't sound. You can adjust the sensitivity on it.

The only time the alarm goes off is when we take him out of the cot and forget to turn the monitor off! (this used to happen daily when we were sleep-deprived!)

@Izzysays I know you’re scared the GP/HV will think you sound crazy. But look at this thread - dozens of replies and not one person has said you sound crazy! Mumsnet isn’t always the nicest place, so if you get such a unanimous answer here (worrying is normal, but worrying this much isn’t and you need to get yourself some help) then you can be sure your GP will be just as understanding.

I've been flamed before for saying this so with a deep breath, I truly think that the companies who make enormous amounts of money out of movement sensors (and now oxygen sats monitors) are fundamentally unethical, monetising every parent's worst fear. How have we got to the point where it is completely normalised to spend hundreds on sophisticated monitoring systems but there is still a stigma attached to accessing treatment for postnatal anxiety?

Please seek some real-life support, OP. You wouldn't try to walk around on a broken leg and you don't have to feel the way you do right now.

Definitely speak to your gp, because as you recognise yourself, that your fears are quite extreme, but do you also know you can get breathing monitors cheaply? I have one which clips onto my baby's nappy and an alarm goes off if it doesnt detect movement, you can also get under the mattress ones. It gives me peace of mind and allows me to sleep without constantly checking her. SIDS is a common fear which is why the breating monitors are so popular but I do think you would benefit from some assistance from a GP.

Ahhh, it’s shit. I have anxiety too, I try keep it in check but it rears its head occasionally. Another shout out for the angelcare - we used the mattress sensor in the cot, you can see the little symbol moving like a pendulum on the screen to show they’re breathing. Neither of mine ever rolled off the pad area and set the alarm off. I really wanted one that had the breathing sensor - I got it in 2014 for my first baby and also used it for the second. Once they were older and rolling round more we just used the function where you listen out for them.

@Zhampagne I agree with you, I think it's unethical too.

Bless you ,you are obviously really suffering. Definitely speak to GP for help with your anxiety. To put into perspective my granddaughter who is 10 months is in her cot in a different room...she is absolutely fine. Have got monitor on and will check overnight but can guarantee I will not here from her until tomorrow 7 am .Xx

@Zhampagne

I've been flamed before for saying this so with a deep breath, I truly think that the companies who make enormous amounts of money out of movement sensors (and now oxygen sats monitors) are fundamentally unethical, monetising every parent's worst fear. How have we got to the point where it is completely normalised to spend hundreds on sophisticated monitoring systems but there is still a stigma attached to accessing treatment for postnatal anxiety?

Please seek some real-life support, OP. You wouldn't try to walk around on a broken leg and you don't have to feel the way you do right now.

That.

I'm really concerned that the OP is now focusing on the posts about the gadget and not those that are telling her that her GP can and will get her help. And it could be transformative.