Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

I could have written you post 8 years ago. I had had 8 miscarriages so I was petrified of then losing my baby to sids. I did seek support and spoke to a counsellor who wa fantastic. I knew my anxiety was not completely rational but she made me feel as if I wasn’t going crazy and encouraged me to be kind to myself.

She actually encouraged me to get an Angel sense breathing monitor which was a godsend and rarely false alarmed. I felt better with that as it let me sleep a little more peacefully. I also admit I got a nappy alarm as well. As my DD got bigger and more robust I began to relax more. She stayed on her breathing monitor until she moved into her own bed though.

Look after yourself. Having a baby is hugely anxiety inducing for some people and we are bombarded with everything that can go wrong now on social media. Get a monitor and see how that makes you feel.

Oh I really feel for you
I am echoing other people re. Post natal anxiety. I felt similar to this with my first, not with sids but every time he cried in the night my heart was racing and I was petrified. He's 4 now and it's taken me this long and another child to be more relaxed about hearing a cry in the night. I was on my own most of the time as husband worked away and don't think that helped, whenever I walked anywhere with the pram for example I used to think "what would happen if I car suddenly crashed into us now", always thinking the worst. Used an angelcare mat and think I felt worse, as I was always waiting for it to go off. I haven't used it once with my next baby! Please speak to your HV or GP; I wish I had and I would have felt better and enjoyed his baby days a lot more. Take care x

The best way to combat SIDS is to follow the ABCs of safe sleep:
Alone, on their back in a crib.
Ensure the mattress and sheet fit properly, do not use blankets (put them in a sleep sack), do not have toys in the crib. Do not use cot bumpers.
Evidence has shown that the use of a pacifier reduces the chance of SIDS also.
It is recommended to keep them in the same room for a minimum of six months because I think your breathing helps them regulate theirs, however if you follow the above advice, the chance of anything happening, particularly after six months is absolutely miniscule...we are talking chances of being hit by a meteorite! It is fine for them to be in their own room at nine months.
To be extra safe, when they are in their own room, ensure no mobiles are over cot, furniture is at least a foot away and secured to wall if possible, cords are removed or out of reach and cot is not near a window. Also ensure that the child cannot climb out of it - shouldn't be an issue at nine months.
Try to wean off night feeds now, as it isn't good for their teeth. If necessary, substitute for water.
I hope some of this is helpful and makes you feel better. If you're very stressed, I suggest you talk it through with your GP.
Solidarity! I have a baby and a toddler, so sleep isn't featuring highly on my agenda right now!

I'm another one for the Owlet. It's amazing!

I understand and agree the point around the stigma needs removing from accessing help around PND, etc new mums shouldn't feel scared to seek help and guidance ... but I would disagree that the use of monitors is unethical or feed the paranoia. Thanks to the owlet I'm actually able to relax and sleep soundly so in actual fact it's reducing my paranoia.

That being said, OP you need to see your GP and get some help. You deserve to enjoy this experience as you sound like a wonderful mummy. Your son is lucky to have someone who clearly loves him as much as you do 🙂

Hello, I’m so sorry that you’re so anxious.it’s Ok to be scared but you really need to tell your HV and GP.
I never did when I had similar anxieties as a new mum and I always regret not getting support as the first few months were horrific. Please ask for help as they can help to make it better.
Wishing you all the best.

I had a brief chat with my HV when she did our 6 months check and she advised against the mattress sensor and said they tend to cause people more anxiety as they can go off a lot.

Even though they don't recommend them, I still got one and felt so much better with it on.

I'm in a Facebook group called Safe Sleep - evidence based support.
It's a fabulous resource and I heartily recommend you consider joining.
Just to say, Owlets aren't safe. Even though people may have used them without incident, it doesn't make them safe.

I agree with previous posters. Please speak to your GP. I had severe post-natal anxiety and a significant worsening of my OCD during the baby stage. It’s very fixable and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not saying don’t buy gadgets, but they’re not going to address the actual issue. You deserve to have happy memories of this time.

I would disagree that the use of monitors is unethical

To be absolutely clear, I have no criticism of parents who use monitors and I don’t think it’s unethical to use them. How could it be? My criticism is of the companies who literally make money out of new parents’ worst fears with products that are not proven to reduce the risk of SIDS.

You want to be the best you can be for your baby, you won’t if your eaten up with anxiety. I’m not sure the mattress monitor will solve your anxiety alone, you may just fixate on something else. If you feel you can’t approach or don’t want to speak to the HV then talk to your G.P. They’re trained to be able to tell the difference between a normal level of anxiety and one that threatens your health and well-being. Take a list of your worries with you. Is there a friend you could confide in? Take care OP.

Please see your GP, they really can help you

I was exactly the same regarding SIDS (although not the chemicals part) plus I was also obsessed that someone was going to kidnap and sexually abuse my baby. These things were both incredibly unlikely but I wasn't able to rationalise that with myself as I wasn't well

I was given medication and it did really help. I'm off it now (DS is 2) and I'm absolutely fine now

Honestly, at this point I don't think any gadget is going to make OP's already out of control anxiety worse, however it might calm her enough to enable her to get a few hours sleep in and to get her head together enough to go and see a doctor

This was exactly how I was when my DD was little, I dreaded the nights so much. I remember checking that she was breathing constantly and I had a constant knot in my stomach as I genuinely thought it was just a matter of time before something horrible happened to her. I definitely had PND and had to get help for it, please see your GP as you don't need to live like this.

There's no reason that a false alarm on a movement sensor would "cause anxiety". As expressed by many PPs on the thread, a (rare) false alarm tends to provide reassurance that the unit is actually working

No it won’t cause anxiety, but it won’t be a cure to anyone suffering with PNA which is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, thanks to all the hormones swilling about in the weeks /months after giving birth. The chemicals cause the feeling of anxiety, the brain that latches onto a ‘thing‘ to be anxious about.

Take away that thing, the brain will just find another thing. To cure the anxiety you have to get to the route of the issue. CBT to rewire thought patterns and /or medication to correct the imbalance.

Honestly, at this point I don't think any gadget is going to make OP's already out of control anxiety worse, however it might calm her enough to enable her to get a few hours sleep in and to get her head together enough to go and see a doctor

Agree. It won’t solve anything, but sleep deprivation will exacerbate things and make it far worse. If it means o/p can get a bit more sleep it may be the difference she needs to set her on the right path.

DS is 16mo and we use a mattress sensor. It's the tommee tippee one which came with a video monitor. It does go off when DS goes right to the end of the cot and the sensor can't detect weight or movement. He is still in the room with me and honestly there is no rush to move him to his own room. When DS was around 8 months and started to turn on his front we got a snuzahero that clips on his nappy.

Hi Op I had the exact same anxiety with all 3 of mine, I used to have nightmares something terrible had happened. I woke up every night in cold sweats for months. With DD3 I got the SNUZA hero nappy clip which detects breathing. Was amazing! Put me at ease! I used the mattress breathing pad things but they would go off randomly and were not reliable. It does get better I promise x

@Izzysays please talk to your health visitor or GP urgently. If you can’t find the words show them what you have written here. Because you don’t have to feel like this and there is support out there, they won’t judge you or think badly of you but they will know how to get you the help you need.

I recently had to take a close friend with severe postnatal anxiety to A&E in a crisis so I know how scary it can feel but I promise there is help out there and that you don’t have to feel like this

This isn't normal. Sorry

Thanks everyone. I will call the gp.