Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

I’ve always had the mattress alarms, I’ve had 3 children and can count on one hand the times it went off. It was worth it for me. Definitely sounds like anxiety you need to speak to your HV or GP x

@Mylittlesandwich

I had a very dear friend come to visit me and I was so wound up by her being a smoker. She changed her clothes at a service station and didn't smoke again until she was well away from the house. I still wouldn't rest for fear of SIDS how that he had been in contact with a smoker

I can relate to this so much. DH got a new company car a couple of months ago, when we went out in it I was convinced I could smell smoke (even though the car was brand new) and I didn’t want DS to go in the car. 😔

How does this work? Is it just one sensor that goes onto the mattress?

It's a small-ish plastic pad that you pop under the cot mattress and it picks up the babies movements (i.e. whether they're breathing or not). If no movement is detected after 20 seconds a warning alarm will sound. We had a couple of (scary!) false alarms at the start when baby had wriggled right up to the top of the cot and it couldn't pick up any movement, but you can fiddle about with the sensitivity settings to stop this.

I had a premature baby and had a mattress alarm recommended by the hospital. I think it would at least help a bit to allow you to sleep.

It's a rational fear and I really don't know why people are pointing to PND.

Being cautious and a protective mother is not a bad thing and this time with him being so so young and vulnerable will come to pass and it will be a distant memory.
I would research mattress sensors and get the very best one you can find.
You still might feel anxious and why shouldn't you, he is your precious little one, but it might give you a little bit of peace of mind.

I had a brief chat with my HV when she did our 6 months check and she advised against the mattress sensor and said they tend to cause people more anxiety as they can go off a lot.

I think she's given you bad advice there! Just look how many people on this thread alone have found them reassuring. I'm another one, by the way - I've used Angelcare monitors with all 3 of my babies and they've given me huge peace of mind. There have been a few false alarms (e.g. if baby curls up in one corner of the cot), but quite the opposite of increasing my anxiety - I find it reassuring knowing that they WILL go off if they can't detect breathing any more. And it's gone off for real too - DD1 doing the thing where they're in such a deep sleep that they forget to breathe. The monitor actually give a little warning chirp before the alarm fully goes off and normally that's enough to make them stir from that. On that one occasion, it didn't - but the alarm went off exactly as it was supposed to, I roused DD and all was fine.

Hi OP, well done for coming on here and soeaking about it. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed or worried about saying and your HV will have heard it all before. It does sound like postnatal anxiety. Slightly different situation but still the same thoughts, my now 3 year old had to be resucitated at birth as he didn't breathe and I then literally could not stop thinking about walking into his room and finding him dead, him stoping breathing etc. I didn't get help or debrief about it and in hindsight I needed help to process those thoughts. I couldn't even let him nap during the day without being next to him, wouldn't cosleep at all for the fear of suffocating him and was just drowning in exhaustion......then the scycle starts again!
One thing that really helped me was the breathing sensor as the others have said. I wouldn't say it increased my anxiety, it really helped to know there were extra means of safety (not taking the place of actually checking on him). Video monitor aswell. I kept the breathing sensor honestly until he was probably nearly 2 and I felt naturally comfortable that he was safe. I was able to put him in his own room at 6m with the breathing sensor and I definately slept better. Few false alarms but hey, I didn't care about that.

Go and speak to someone, it absolutely helps but you can't continue as you are or you'll completely burn out. It's natural to worry about these things but it sounds like it's overtaking everything else and has tipped into anxiety. Things will get better xxx

@PolytheneHam

We have an Angel Care and still use it at ten months. We've moved it to the centre of the cot and it very rarely goes off. It's a godsend for me. I suffer terribly with anxiety too.

How does it work if the baby moves around the cot?

I hadn’t really considered one before as when I mentioned it to my HV she said she didn’t recommend them as they can cause more anxiety because they go off a lot.
(That’s what she told us)

@OhDearMuriel

It's a rational fear and I really don't know why people are pointing to PND. Being cautious and a protective mother is not a bad thing and this time with him being so so young and vulnerable will come to pass and it will be a distant memory. I would research mattress sensors and get the very best one you can find. You still might feel anxious and why shouldn't you, he is your precious little one, but it might give you a little bit of peace of mind.

If it’s affecting her life as much as she says it is that is not a normal level of anxiety

People are being kind suggesting things like motion alarms and new mattresses, but in reality this is not going to solve the problem or make you feel any better. The problem is not the risk of SIDS (which is really very very tiny at 9 months old) but the way you are responding to it, which is all tied up in mental health and the best thing to do about it is talk about how you are feeling and ask for help.

What is it that you are worried about in terms of speaking to the Health Visitor or GP?

Could you show your DH this thread to explain how you feel?

If you’re worried they’ll take baby off you they won’t. You're not a risk to him.

I also want to say as kindly as possible go to your GP. I know you are looking for practical solutions and it feels like a mattress sensor could resolve the problem, but the reality with anxiety is that once one worry has gone another overwhelming thought will probably take over.

I had Post natal anxiety after my third child and it was debilitating. I felt embarrassed going to the GP, but honestly she was so kind and matter of fact, I could have been talking about a sore throat. Please go, it really helps.

I would get a mattress alarm and some baby first aid training just to give you a better sense of control and peace of mind. Chances are the mattress alarm will go off for no reason and freak you out numerous times, but still at least you know it's sensitive.

BUT I would also, urgently, talk to HV or GP about your feelings. It's normal to feel some anxiety but it sounds like they have become all consuming and are really impacting your quality of life.

Write them down in a letter if you have to and hand it to HV.

They will understand. It's really common.

@BertieBotts

Appreciated, but the OP is also exhausted so if the alarm helps her to sleep it’s a small contribution to start off with .

@Fluffycloudland77

If you’re worried they’ll take baby off you they won’t. You're not a risk to him.

@Fluffycloudland77

I don’t worry that they would take him off of me. I don’t think I’m a risk to him in any way. I personally feel that in my circumstances it would be very unlikely they’d remove him from my care.

It’s just the fear of telling someone my thoughts because to me I feel crazy.
I mean I worry about chemicals in a mattress harming my son and I don’t even know why or where this thought has come from. 😔

@Idontbelieveit12

It is my opinion.

Unless you know her full background and you're a doctor don't judge me.

We are all allowed our opinions on here.

Or is it just you that's allowed an opinion?

I personally don't rate the sensors. They can cause more problems than they solve. This also is not a "normal" protective mother. The reaction is not proportional to the response so help from a GP or other healthcare professional would be much more use.

Don't get a mattress sensor. Don't do anything that validates your fears.

Go to your GP and bring this thread with you.

You need to address this anxiety.

This isn't normal maternal anxiety.
@Izzysays, please go to your GP.

Also - at 9 months the risk is massively reduced

This. The risk of SIDS at 9 months is negligable. Go and see your GP. I have generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression- I promise you can get help and life can be massively better.

If you’re worried they’ll take baby off you they won’t. You're not a risk to him.

This too. If SS had time to spend on people who worry about their PFB too much then half of MN would be on their books.

It's a rational fear and I really don't know why people are pointing to PND. Being cautious and a protective mother is not a bad thing and this time with him being so so young and vulnerable will come to pass and it will be a distant memory.

It's not remotely rational at that age. Being cautious and protective to the extent OP describes can be hugely damaging to a child (my mum was like that). OP wants to be in the best possible frame of mind because kids get harder soon. There is nothign wrong with asking for help.

We had the Angel Care sensor pad which really helped. We only had a couple of false beeps but DD1 wasn't a roller. Even then she was 14mo before I could sit downstairs for an hour at a time.

DD2 was the one I actually had diagnosed PND for but I wasn't as anxious with her.

Talk to your HV. They will have heard it all before. Having a baby is terrifying. The love and desperation for them to be safe is terrifying

FWIW I chickened out of sending DD2 (she's nearly 5) to the supermarket with DH this afternoon because it was getting dark and I was worried he'd lose her in the car park. Luckily I could blame lockdown for that instead of me just being a nutter.

With our first we used the angelcare mat when he moved to his own room (cot bed sized cot), I can't remember that well but am pretty sure it only went off when we lifted him out for something and forgot to turn it off (giving other parent a fright). There is probably no harm in getting one (it doesn't sound like it could make you more anxious)

That being said, as much as anxiety is normal, the level of yours does sound more than usual and you don't have to just live with it. I am a social worker (I work closely with health visitors) and can assure you that if you explain what you are worry about and that you aren't sleeping because of it, they will not think you are talking mad, they will have heard plenty like it before and they should refer you for some support for it. If your worry was about getting to referred to social care (not about sounding nuts) then I can also assure that I have never come across that unless the anxiety was resulting in behaviour that puts baby at risk, and even then social care would only support you to access some help. You really have nothing to be afraid of or embarrassed about by talking to a professional.

I used an Angelcare monitor it only once went off when baby had wriggled to the top of the cot, it also went off once when i was halfway down the stairs with the baby in my arms which scared the life out of me, very reassuring - OP get the monitor.

OP, please talk to someone in real life. You are unwell but there is treatment available and you don't have to live like this. I'm not a great fan of movement monitors but if one helps in the short term it might be worth considering one. Don't get one instead of getting help, though. Anxiety is a tricky little bastard and it will latch on to something else, not go away.

Hi op 7 years ago I could of wrote this I was a mess but I didn't seek help for PND
My anxiety morphed into worrying the same about DH irrationally and worrying about everything
I wish I had got help soon after a course of Cbt my anxiety was much better
But it's taken years to get the PND under control when I finally decided tablets could help me and they did and then I fell pregnant again
This time I'm way ahead of PND and will be on the tablets straight after baby is born
I could take them during pregnancy but I'm worried of the risk but I know the perinatal mental health team are there if I need them
Don't be like me, get yourself to the doctors and get all the help you can
After all you wouldn't hop around on a broken leg
Your brain is as important to look after good luck op and it does get better the feelings

Go and see your GP.. this is far from normal