Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

Oh @Izzysays my heart goes out to you. Your post has taken me back many years to when my DD was born. It felt absolutely real to me that every time she went to sleep she wouldn't wake up. I still find thinking about that time very distressing.
I urge you to speak to your GP or Health Visitor to get some professional help. Speaking to a mental health worker made a big difference to me and as she got older the worry did recede.
She is now a happy young woman, doing well in life and we are close.

I wish you well

At 9 months, the likelihood of him having SIDS is extremely low. I mean most cases happen between 2 and 4 months. If you don't smoke, I definitely wouldn't worry. If you do smoke, then stop and well, I still don't think you should worry after all of this time.

I used to feel somewhat similarly though it was mostly my subconscious. For the first whole year, I would look for my twins (especially the one sleeping in his own room) in my bed or on the floor. Sometimes several times a night I would wake up in a panic thinking a baby had fallen off the bed or was suffocating under my duvet in the bed. One time I thought I had quadruplets, two of whom were sleeping in their cots (my actuals babies) and two who were lost in my bed under the duvet. I remember frantically searching the covers both underneath but also inside of it, searching my partner's duvet and body, and searching the floor and the baby cots.
It's not the exact same as you, but the fear comes from the same place. The fear of losing your child/children. Maybe you need therapy though as for me it was mostly just my subconscious.

I have also found (and this seems to be controversial these days, where everyone has to be allowed to wallow in their safe space forever) that meeting the fear head on tends to be the best way to kill the anxiety quickly, if you're not happy to use medication.

In your shoes, I would buy the mattress sensor, have a good video monitor set up, make sure everything about the cot fits safety standards, ditto the baby's sleepwear and sleepsuit. Then I'd go for it. Check out the Safe Sleeping

It’s so important that you tell your hv not just how you feel in general terms, but exactly what thoughts you’ve been having and how they impact on your functioning.
I had quite bad post natal depression and checked on my daughter in the night constantly, although weirdly she didn’t sleep in our room, she went straight into her own room, as advised by the midwife (it was 20 years ago!!). I also constantly had visions of me dropping her. It was frightening. I recovered after about a year after medication and counselling.
Please don’t struggle on without getting some help. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you at all 💐💐

Just to echo what others have said please seek help it definitely sounds like signs of pnd.
You can get nappy alarms if it would make you feel better they clip onto the nappy and only go off if they stop breathing. But tbh I think you need to seek some professional advice.
Some of it is normal I still check the baby monitor on my 21 month old occasionally through an evening to make sure he's OK but the level of anxiety you are describing is much more than that.
My son actually slept better once in his own room (also BF) and so did I as I wasn't waking up at every sound he made.

Yes echoing others, you need help from your GP, your worries are genuine but are out of proportion, especially for his age. Please get some help...x

Can I suggest the owlet sock rather than a mattress sensor? We’ve never had a red alarm and have had a couple of yellows but it’s always been when it’s clear she’s kicked it off her foot. I do think if could give some reassurance

My fear seems to be getting worse and not easing up

This is why you need to talk to someone. It’s normal to have worries and be anxious, but that should start to gradually get better, not worse. There is absolutely zero judgement on you, it is not your fault, you are entitled to get help. Getting help for yourself is part of being a parent.

Have you got a mobile number for your health visitor? Could you text her first? Or could you ask a friend or family member to make the first phone call, if it’s easier to speak to them. I would 100% do this for any friend.

Can you get a breathing alarm? I got the angel care one and it really really helped with my anxiety

Posted too soon... Safe evidence based sleeping fb page. I coslept so they would hate me, but they're fairly good with things like cot safety standards.

Listen, if it helps I've been dreading moving mine to her own room since I was pregnant, because her room is the floor above us. We were given an old cot bed but I felt it was unstable, so I bought a toddler bed. Spent a fortune on cable trunking, a stair gate, safety this and safety that. Panicked. Did some more panicking. Reshuffled everything. Panicked. Moved her to her room. Sat up all night watching the monitor.

She. Slept. Through. And by day 3 I wondered what I had ever worried about. I can be with her in seconds if I hear her on the monitor. Her big teenage sister is in a room 3 foot away. She loves her bed, loves her room, everyone is happier and sleeping better, no tears, no fuss.

It's very hard, I know. Anxiety isn't you, it isn't who you are, and it isn't a reflection of reality. Yet it just squats there, freaking you out. If I waited until I stopped feeling anxious about moving rooms, she'd probably still be getting a crap night's sleep in my bed. Safety proof everything and go for it. Face it head on,if you can

I had a brief chat with my HV when she did our 6 months check and she advised against the mattress sensor and said they tend to cause people more anxiety as they can go off a lot.

But you’d probably get more rest that you do now? My goodness you must be exhausted. Have you spoke to DH about this? Does he have any thoughts?
You can’t go on like this, you must speak to your G.P or HV. They will just support you, nothing to be afraid of.

I know I probably should speak to my GP or HV again but honestly I feel crazy with some of the things I worry about and I’m embarrassed to tell them.

I’ve ever started to worry about the food I’m giving him or chemicals in shampoos / bath wash Incase they increase his risk of SIDS.

I’m crying uncontrollably typing this as it’s the first time I’ve “said it out loud”

You need to see your GP - this sounds like anxiety and not a normal level of worry.

SIDS is a real danger, but provided you don’t smoke and don’t drink when you co-sleep and keep your room quite moderate temperatures he should be fine.

Please seek professional help.

I use an owlet monitor. Never had a false alarm.

Oh OP, I feel for you. You really need to get some help. Make an appointment with your GP ASAP. Start getting the help you need.

@Izzysays

I know I probably should speak to my GP or HV again but honestly I feel crazy with some of the things I worry about and I’m embarrassed to tell them.

I’ve ever started to worry about the food I’m giving him or chemicals in shampoos / bath wash Incase they increase his risk of SIDS.

I’m crying uncontrollably typing this as it’s the first time I’ve “said it out loud”

Saying it out loud is such a big thing to overcome.

I've been where you are so empathise completely. I ended up having CBT for post natal anxiety through the NhS (just asked my GP). It completely changed my life, no exaggeration. I didn't know what to do with my anxious thoughts (also SIDS related, along with other horrible scenarios) and CBT gave me really usable techniques to rationalise my thoughts.

Definitely seek support. This will get better.

This was all with my first born who is 4 but I had my second baby 18 months ago and had no anxiety so it can get better.

I really feel for you, OP. I had dreadful Post Natal Anxiety and it was a very difficult time. Mine was similar to yours in that I worried dreadfully about DS and something happening to him, but I also became obsessed with my own health as I was so afraid of leaving him. It was horrendous.

I sought help through IAPT, it's free and they fast-tracked me as it was post-natal related. They were great and I found the sessions really helpful. I'd really highly recommend giving them a call. I shared your concerns about going to the Health Visitor, and I also didn't want to see my GP, but my anxiety got so bad I started having intrusive thoughts and ended up presenting at out of hours in a terrible state one night. Even then, they were so kind, helpful, and supportive, I wished I had called them earlier. Please do speak to your HV, that's one of the things they're there for, and they will absolutely have seen it before and should be able to help.

I know how hard it is, but try not to read the sites and pages that trigger your anxiety. I have to work really hard not to get into that spiral even now, but I'm so much better when I don't give in to the impulse as it gives my rational brain chance to catch up. Is there anything you enjoy doing that would help to distract you? Mine got better when I got a horse again and, funnily, when I went back to work as I was busy and had lots of other things to think about. I enjoyed mat leave, but it wasn't good for me from an anxiety point of view as I had too much time to over think. Mindfulness apps can be helpful, personally I found I couldn't put my cynicism aside enough for them to really work, but I find the 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique helpful when I'm spiralling. Do seek support, though, it's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, but it won't get better by itself and you shouldn't have to live like this, it's absolutely exhausting and miserable and it can get so much better.

Firstly, it's ok to be worried. My sister died of SIDS.
I felt totally reassured using the Babysense 2 monitor which had 2 pads so alarm rarely went off.
I used the alarm until my DC were getting out of their toddler beds and setting alarm off!
The confidence this gave me outweighed the worries I had and I highly recommend. Having an under mattress alarm did not make me neurotic or anxious - but I would have been without.

Honestly, please go and see your GP. They see it all the time. When I went on tablets years ago, it was after things had gotten out of control and I was struggling to do some fairly normal things like sit in a school assembly for my eldest. DH practically frogmarched me to the clinic, I hate going to the doctors, but once I started talking it all came spilling out. The doctor put me on a low dose of Duloxetine, which worked brilliantly. Even walking out the clinic it felt like a weight had lifted. It helps just having it acknowledged. The tablets gave my exhausted brain time to rest while I dealt with what I knew deep down were irrational fears.

It's hard to escape these thoughts and feelings when you are so tired and your brain is running on the same hamster wheel of fear. It's beyond rotten. But I absolutely promise you that there's a way past it and things could change more quickly than you realise if you do ask for help. Things might change eventually anyway but why put yourself through any more of this stress.

Get a sids matt

I was the exact same, please don't be embarrassed there's no need to be. A GP or HV will not judge you. I nearly killed myself from lack of sleep. I just couldn't carry on. It was a huge relief just to break down and let it all out and have someone listen and help.

I used to think of just ending it and I hated my baby, yours might not sound as extreme on paper, please don't read this and think we'll I don't think like that so I can't have it I won't speak to gp. Everybody's PND is different and it might get worse and get to that point if left alone.

Obsessing is definitely a sign of PND please speak to somebody as it is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy.

@Suzi888

My goodness you must be exhausted. Have you spoke to DH about this? Does he have any thoughts?
You can’t go on like this, you must speak to your G.P or HV. They will just support you, nothing to be afraid of.

I really am. Most nights DH & DS can be fast asleep and I just lay there watching him and checking on him.

DH knows I’m anxious but not to this extent.

I feel crazy with my thoughts. Especially worrying about the chemicals in his or my mistress and I honestly don’t know how I’d explain that to my husband let alone health visitor.

Poor you OP. I was the same and even now my DD is 3 years old I still have a video baby monitor on when I am not sleeping next to her to make sure she’s breathing ok.
When she was 5 months old I moved her into our bed so I could make sure she’s ok during the night. She was breastfeed as well.
It does get easier and I am no longer as panicked but I remember waking up a lot to check that she’s breathing.
My advice is to have your child in the room with you as long as you feel you need it. From what I remember that reduces the risk of SIDS.

I also had severe anxiety and they put me in touch with a mental health team that helped me so much with it and put me in medication for that too

I literally didn’t sleep for 5 days until I got a mattress sensor. He is now 4 and we still use it - it’s handy for letting me know if he gets out of bed during the night. I would honestly recommend them, just to mentally help you relax.

I ended up having counselling as my anxiety over his sleeping was so bad - would this be an option for you? Even just being able to voice those fears is helpful.