Frightened to put my baby to bed :(

[Izzysays]

My son is 9 months old. I am absolutely petrified every single night and cannot stop thinking about SIDS 😔

My son is still our room and I’m too paranoid to put him into his own room.
He’s breastfed and doesn’t always settle very well in his cot so ends up in my bed for a portion of the night.

I’m barely sleeping as I’m paranoid about him being in my bed, but I’m also paranoid about him being in his own bed.

I worry that my mattress or the cot mattress is going to expose him to some unsafe chemicals (I know this sounds crazy)
I’m just so convinced that something bad is going to happen to him.

I’ve never had an evening alone with my husband since my son was born as I’m too afraid to put my son upstairs without me.

I think about it every single day and every morning when we wake up I feel relieved and happy that he’s safe.

I dread bedtimes because the fear sets in again.

I read multiple times a day about SIDS and the statistics. I read stories about it and reserach it.

I just feel like it’s a huge black cloud hanging over me and it’s taking away the enjoyment of being a mummy because I’m so afraid of sleep.

Please someone tell me it gets easier as right now I’m exhausted and drained with this worry 😔

@Izzysays

I know I probably should speak to my GP or HV again but honestly I feel crazy with some of the things I worry about and I’m embarrassed to tell them.

I’ve ever started to worry about the food I’m giving him or chemicals in shampoos / bath wash Incase they increase his risk of SIDS.

I’m crying uncontrollably typing this as it’s the first time I’ve “said it out loud”

Never feel embarrassed and your not crazy 1 in 4 mothers suffer from PND. Your GP and HV will take it seriously and also help you get back on track. There is also a lot of charities which can help either just to speak to or with tips etc.

You have made the first step here by reaching out which is great, next step is to do it in real life. The sooner you do so the better to help your recovery.

People often neglect their own mental health by trivialising it or getting anxious about the reaction but you would never knowing leave a infection until you got sepsis and it's exactly the same for mental health.

You need and deserve professional help with this. You're suffering from severe post-natal anxiety, and you aren't getting better. The GP/HV will not judge you for seeking help; quite the reverse. Asking for help means you are working to be the best mother you can be for your baby. With help and medication, you could be so much better. You could enjoy life and your baby so much more. There's a whole world of happiness that you're missing out on. Please see your GP. There are medications which are safe in breastfeeding.

Tell DH how you're feeling. I bottle things up and worry, then when I say them aloud it just takes the sting out of them.

I'd buy one of those sensors ASAP too. If you feel the urge to obsessively research, try to wean yourself off it by researching positive things that could help prevent the things you're worried about, like the sensor or a new mattress.

The mattress thing has been debunked I think anyway. I had a stage of worry about that, but after reading different things I was satisfied there were other issues at play - I think the mattress issues were really linked to smoking rather than the mattresses- it was something like that, anyway.

Try to stop looking up the horror stories - every time you feel the need, look up the safe sleep recommendations and tick off all the things you're doing right - your child is protected already. Block the websites on your phone if you can.

Book an appointment with your GP and tell your husband why. If you feel that you don't need to go in a few weeks then you don't have to.

I promise you OP you don't need to feel embarassed or scared to share this with your GP and HV. They hear this sort of stuff, and more bizarre things, all the time and they will understand and not judge.

Op if you don't feel comfortable explaining then why don't you show your GP or HV and husband this thread?

See a doctor this isn't normal and it is not healthy for any of you.

@Rockmehardplace

I literally didn’t sleep for 5 days until I got a mattress sensor. He is now 4 and we still use it - it’s handy for letting me know if he gets out of bed during the night. I would honestly recommend them, just to mentally help you relax.

I ended up having counselling as my anxiety over his sleeping was so bad - would this be an option for you? Even just being able to voice those fears is helpful.

@Rockmehardplace

Which one did you get? Did you find that it went off a lot?

I worried about cot death my first baby until he was two.

One thing at a time. Work in baby being in his cot while you are downstairs then gradually work towards the evening. It would be better if he was in his cot and not your bed for many reasons.

Buy a new mattress for the cot if you are worried about it but do see your doctor. All you have said is what many people have felt and it is normal. You are feeling things that are normal to feel when you have a baby but you need support due to the effect they are having on you and your relationship.

Oh you poor thing. I was exactly like this, especially with DD1. I was checking on her every ten minutes throughout the night, terrified that she would stop breathing and we wouldn't know. The Angelcare sensor completely saved my sanity, I really can't recommend it enough. We used it from six months when she went into her own room.

By the way, DD1 is now 5 and we still use it now! It puts my mind at ease if she's had a bump to the head during the day, or is a bit poorly.

Oh op you poor thing. Post natal anxiety can be crippling. Could you type up a letter to give your HV or GP (whoever you feel more comfortable with)? It might be easier than saying it out loud.

You must be exhausted and sleep deprived given you're barely sleeping.

Stop reading about SIDS. You know all there is to know! And it's only feeding your negative anxiety.

9 months in I'm not sure if the HV will be the right person, try your GP? Ask for referral to specialist pnd services.

Please please please speak to your GP or HV. I promise they have heard this before. I was like this when DS was born. I wouldn't sleep, I would stay up all night and listen to him breathe. If I couldn't hear him I'd go to his cot and make sure. I would only sleep when DH was up for the day and even then not deeply as I was on high alert for something to go wrong. I didn't sleep properly for months until my GP prescribed medication to help with my depression and anxiety and now we all sleep.

They WILL NOT judge you. This is so much more common than you think.

I had a very dear friend come to visit me and I was so wound up by her being a smoker. She changed her clothes at a service station and didn't smoke again until she was well away from the house. I still wouldn't rest for fear of SIDS how that he had been in contact with a smoker. I remember it well, DS is only a year old now and it was exhausting. Please speak to someone.

When I went to the GP to talk about how I felt (just like you), I didn't have to actually say that much. I explained some of the basic fears and feelings but I didn't have to go into loads of detail. She had some questions and referred me for CBT therapy which even pre-covid I was able to have over the phone. I personally found it much easier to talk over the phone.

I had a mattress alarm which personally I found did help, although I have seen an advert for the owlet sock which did look good. I used to wake regularly even when DS was sleeping to check on him and Google things constantly in the middle of the night, imagining all the things that may happen to DS.

Pregnancy triggered anxiety for me, I've never suffered from anxiety before. I had a difficult first pregnancy and we were both very poorly after DS1 was born.

I had all the same thoughts as you. I had lots of intrusive thoughts, I would see myself dropping DS down the stairs, research things obsessively, I was permanently panicked.

Please get some help, this really isn't your fault and it can be better. No one will think badly of you or that you're not a good mum or that you can't look after your baby. This is really common, honestly.

@SunshineCake

Buy a new mattress for the cot if you are worried about it

The mattress is brandnew but I just obsessed about it being dangerous.
I feel the same way about the mattress on my bed so I’m not sure buying another mattress would actually help. ☹️

Sounds very much like PND. Please try to speak to someone. I had very similar feelings, along with other signs and refused to admit I was struggling. I very much wish I had now as I struggled for nearly 4 years.

I still worry all the time something dreadful is going to happen but much more able to get on top of it.

OP please talk to someone.

I had postnatal anxiety with my second and Jesus I was terrified. I had a meltdown in a shopping centre after hiding it for so long. Your HV won’t judge you, neither will your GP. They speak to lots of people every day regarding this.

And as others have said, please stop googling. Nothing good ever comes of it

Hi op

You’ve had some really good advice here. I had awful post natal anxiety around my health and the health of my baby. After 6 months I spoke to my HV who was so supportive. I hadn’t realised this is what it was. I also bought an alarm that goes under the mattress. For me it felt like someone was watching my baby when I was asleep. I wouldn’t have slept much without it.

I still have my baby in my room and he is nearly 3. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression with my children and since I’ve told people discovered that this anxiety is very common. I’ve been on antidepressants and after lockdown will start therapy. Please start talking to someone. Then tell your GP or health visitor. It will slowly get better, it just takes time.

@namechangetheworld

The Angelcare sensor completely saved my sanity, I really can't recommend it enough. We used it from six months when she went into her own room

How does this work? Is it just one sensor that goes onto the mattress?

I have the same anxiety i got an owlet monitor its brilliant

A new mattress will be okay. Years ago it was thought that second hand mattresses were unsafe but I am not sure what the conclusion was as it was over 20 years ago when the study I am talking about was done.

I remember being overly anxious for the same reason. My son slept downstairs in his Moses basket next to me every evening for months, he only went upstairs when I was ready to go to bed. I brought a breathing sensor and it finally helped me to be able to relax. Thank goodness I wasn't so bad with my second child, it was an awful feeling.

We have an Angel Care and still use it at ten months. We've moved it to the centre of the cot and it very rarely goes off. It's a godsend for me. I suffer terribly with anxiety too.