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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's being dramatic?

381 replies

DramaInPyjama · 14/11/2020 19:37

H is sulking because apparently I 'dont care about his kids' Hmm

I have had a horrible week of no sleep, not sure why but I can't sleep at the moment. I am so tired.

It got to about 4pm today and I said I had to go and lie down. I asked him not to wake me.

His DC were coming round at around 5:30. He came upstairs at 6, woke me up by turning the light on and started asking me to come downstairs, telling me the kids were here, come say hello, spend time with us and so on...

I was so mad, I was finally asleep and now I was being pestered to get up so when he said 'the kids are here now' I snapped and just replied 'And? I don't care!' and turned the light of to go back to sleep.

I am usually very involved but I just needed this rest and no, I didn't care that the kids had turned up, they are well old enough to be told I'm not feeling great so was asleep (and couldn't give less of a shit if I go and say hello).

Apparently now I don't care about the kids, am rude for not saying hello, don't want to see them Hmm etc...

OP posts:
SuperbGorgonzola · 16/11/2020 17:53

@Flutter12

She's not their mum.

Their dad was there.

My husband works night shifts. Is he wrong to put his earplugs in and sleep during the day when the children are playing?

Shoppingwithmother · 16/11/2020 17:53

@Macncheeseballs Why can’t someone just go for a sleep if they want to?

Why would it be better to struggle to stay awake longer and be grumpy and tired and feel ill, when you could actually got to sleep and feel much better?

Especially when there is no reason you need to be doing anything else? They’re round all the time and they’re not even the OP’s kids. Couldn’t her DH just get on with it? I would have thought it would actually be a nice opportunity to spend some time alone with his children.

Ohtherewearethen · 16/11/2020 17:54

@Flutter12 are you being deliberately absurd? OP wasn't well. She was exhausted. The children are there to see their dad, who was there to parent them. Why on earth does OP need to be awake and up to watch that?

Macncheeseballs · 16/11/2020 17:54

Flutter12, agree, and it doesn't matter whose kids they are

Storyoftonight · 16/11/2020 17:57

@Ohalrightthen

So, you told your DH that you don't care about his kids, and now you're pissed off that he thinks you don't care about his kids? That's some first class cognitive dissonance.

He shouldn't have woken you up, but you're going to fuck your sleep even further by going to bed in the afternoon. I'd have held out til 8pm and taken a sleeping pill.

No she didn't. She said that in that moment she didn't care that the kids were there. Two different things. You're being awkward.
Flutter12 · 16/11/2020 17:58

My husband works night shifts. Is he wrong to put his earplugs in and sleep during the day when the children are playing?

No of course not, that’s the same as someone who works during the day and sleeps during the night. But this was also 4 in the afternoon not her normal nighttime.

If your DCs are due soon would your DH not want to see them behind going to sleep?

june2007 · 16/11/2020 17:59

If you said sorry, I not fealing very well. Or if you came down said hello and then went back to bed then yes I get it but your wording was off.

Flutter12 · 16/11/2020 18:03

@Ohtherewearethen

As I said I’ve never come home and my mum has been asleep and not seen me until the next day. I wouldn’t do it with my DC either. I guess it’s just different parenting techniques. I prefer to ask my DD how her day has been etc so it looks like I am happy to see her.

Fair enough if OP had been asleep throughout the day or wanted to go to sleep once they’d got there. But going to sleep just before they come knowing she wouldn’t see them until the next day is rude and I would feel unwelcome knowing someone had chosen to do that.

Ohtherewearethen · 16/11/2020 18:09

@Flutter12 - it's utterly irrelevant what your mum did or didn't do. The children's father, who they were there to see, was there to talk about their day, etc, why should OP have to stay up to watch that rather than go to bed for some much needed sleep because she felt so appalling? It wasn't just before they arrived, it was an hour and a half. Also, it's puzzling that you think you have the right to pass judgement on when OP should sleep, or think that had she been in bed two hours sooner you wouldn't mind. Bizarre. Children need to understand that adults have needs too and that sometimes, when unwell, they have to go to bed early for the sake of their own health. Their father could have explained this and, depending on their ages, could have done or made something nice for OP for when she woke up. Not demand that she wakes up and runs downstairs to watch him spend time with his children.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/11/2020 18:15

I hope by now you've marked his cards properly about this OP. I know they're his DC and he loves them and wants you to be about to see them but surely the words don't disturb me are easy enough to understand?

june2007 · 16/11/2020 18:15

Lets face it you don,t come on here if you don,t want judgement. And not everyone will agree with the op.

billy1966 · 16/11/2020 18:26

OP,

He sounds like a right twat, who doesn't listen to you when you say you are unwell and deliberately mishears you to cause drama.

AKA a bit of prick.

Why are you doing 50/50 with his children, unless of course he married you so he has help with childcare.

Have a good think, because he sounds like a selfish twat who couldn't care less about you.

Your response was perfectly reasonable.
Hope you feel better soon.Flowers

Flutter12 · 16/11/2020 18:26

Children need to understand that adults have needs too and that sometimes, when unwell, they have to go to bed early for the sake of their own health.

I feel so sad that there are kids who come home from school and not see their parents until the next day.

I agree that children need to know that adults need to go to bed early, but as adults we should be able to spare 10 minutes to say hello and explain why we’re going to bed. Not making children feel uncomfortable or worrying.

I wonder how supportive the replies would be if it was the OP’s DP saying he wanted to go to bed at 4pm and not see the SC until the next day.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/11/2020 18:26

Well yes, to be fair, "I don't care" is rude. However, there are times when being rude is absolutely understandable and this is one of them IMO. I'd have been a lot more than rude if anyone had been (a) cruel or (b) stupid enough to wake me under those circumstances. Even XH would have tiptoed in with a cup of tea and told the DC to be as quiet as possible.

I don't understand why some posters don't understand about needing sleep badly. Sleep deprivation can make you very ill - google it! Didn't it used to be a method of torture now outlawed by the UN? And here is her life partner dragging her out of a much needed sleep - he should be grateful she was only a little snappish.

As for "should be excited to see someone else's children for the fourth or fifth time this week" - what planet...?

Flutter12 · 16/11/2020 18:34

As for "should be excited to see someone else's children for the fourth or fifth time this week" - what planet...?

That is so sad :(

witchofthenorth · 16/11/2020 18:35

@Flutter12

she said she had been suffering with insomnia for period of days and was exhausted.

My mum used to have insomnia. Not once in my entire childhood did I come home from school and not see her until the next day because she was asleep.

I’m really surprised how many people would think nothing of going to sleep just before the kids get home knowing they wont see them until the next day.

I have done exactly that. Ill with a migraine which pretty much wipes me out and....now this will blow everyone's minds....left their step father to deal with them when they have came home from school.

My kids know that mum sometimes gets migraines and if she is in bed with one it means it's bad and to leave me be. Granted it's not insomnia but the OP did what her body was telling her to do. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to go to bed and not seen the children till the next morning.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/11/2020 18:36

As someone who has suffered insomnia for years, I can sympathise totally with how you are feeling at the moment, @DramaInPyjama - loss of sleep isn’t just ‘being a bit tired’ - it is far worse. Not for nothing is sleep deprivation used as a form of torture!

And when my insomnia is bad, I do sometimes nap in the afternoon, even though I know it isn’t the best thing to do, and will make sleeping that night even harder - but there comes a point where you simply cannot go on any longer without sleeping right there and then.

I tend to nap on the couch, so I do get woken up from my nap - but you were in bed, and it is possible that, if you’d been left to it, you might have slept through the night, and woken up tomorrow having ‘reset’ your sleep. Even if you didn’t reset your sleep, you would have felt less exhausted and sleep deprived!

I also appreciate that you didn’t mean you don’t care for your do’s kids - but is it possible that he misunderstood you, and that is what he heard? It doesn’t excuse him coming and waking you up - that was deeply thoughtless and selfish of him - but if he did think you were saying you didn’t care for his kids, it wouldn’t be unreasonable of him to be upset by that.

Original poster
DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 18:36

I don’t know who would say this. I have my DC full time as I’m a single parent. I’m excited to see them everyday

Good for you. I really don't think it's that shocking though that not everyone is bubbling with excitement every time their kids come through the door. Nevermind step parents. So no, I think you're being ridiculous expecting this and sorry but no, I don't feel that.

I also imagine there was a time when my mum or dad was ill and I didn't see them much. Don't think that's abnormal on rare occasions when one parent is unwell to be honest. Last time I checked it hasn't scarred me for life.

Lets be honest. If a mother posted here to say she was unwell and asked her husband to sort the kids one evening so she could rest and he wouldn't let her, I doubt you'd be calling her a terrible mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 18:38

@Flutter12

As for "should be excited to see someone else's children for the fourth or fifth time this week" - what planet...?

That is so sad :(

I think you need to get a grip to be perfectly honest Confused

I'm sure my step kids aren't absolutely buzzing to see me either. It's just normal. They'd been here all week practically. Not being excited to see someone isn't the same as saying you don't want to see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 18:42

Not once in my entire childhood did I come home from school and not see her until the next day because she was asleep

Obviously it would have deeply affected you if you had, once, not seen your mum (your mum, not stepmum), for one whole evening because she was ill?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/11/2020 18:44

@Flutter12

Children need to understand that adults have needs too and that sometimes, when unwell, they have to go to bed early for the sake of their own health.

I feel so sad that there are kids who come home from school and not see their parents until the next day.

I agree that children need to know that adults need to go to bed early, but as adults we should be able to spare 10 minutes to say hello and explain why we’re going to bed. Not making children feel uncomfortable or worrying.

I wonder how supportive the replies would be if it was the OP’s DP saying he wanted to go to bed at 4pm and not see the SC until the next day.

I see the trolls are out in full force.

Main point of this is that the OP is NOT the stepkids parent. Their dad is.

Original poster
DramaInPyjama · 16/11/2020 18:45

Not making children feel uncomfortable or worrying

Who on earth suggested they were sat downstairs uncomfortable or worrying? Certainly not me.

In fact, I said knowing my step children, they wouldn't have cared and would have just gone 'okay' and got on with whatever they were doing.

OP posts:
SuperbGorgonzola · 16/11/2020 18:46

@Flutter12 if the children were due up soon my DH would go out of his way to avoid seeing them because it's easier to be out of sight and out of mind and let me crack on with our day. My three year old understands that daddy is tired and is in bed, sleeping. There's no reason to think these children wouldn't have this basic comprehension as well.

Op didn't know how long she would sleep for, only that she needed to sleep while her body was ready to do so and didn't want to be disturbed. She might have woken up by 7 or she might have slept all night and felt refreshed the next day; perhaps the reset she needed. It wasnt for the husband to wake her.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 16/11/2020 18:49

Wow some of the people on this thread are neurotic! Sleep well OP

SuperbGorgonzola · 16/11/2020 18:51

@Flutter12

Children need to understand that adults have needs too and that sometimes, when unwell, they have to go to bed early for the sake of their own health.

I feel so sad that there are kids who come home from school and not see their parents until the next day.

I agree that children need to know that adults need to go to bed early, but as adults we should be able to spare 10 minutes to say hello and explain why we’re going to bed. Not making children feel uncomfortable or worrying.

I wonder how supportive the replies would be if it was the OP’s DP saying he wanted to go to bed at 4pm and not see the SC until the next day.

Good grief!

The children were with their father.

My children don't see both of us every day. I leave for work at 5.45am and sometimes I don't get in til after 8.00pm. My husband often works 7-7 shifts. Sometimes those things overlap and they spend the night at their beloved grandparents.

I'll book the therapist now shall I? Hmm