To think he's being dramatic?

[DramaInPyjama]

H is sulking because apparently I 'dont care about his kids'

I have had a horrible week of no sleep, not sure why but I can't sleep at the moment. I am so tired.

It got to about 4pm today and I said I had to go and lie down. I asked him not to wake me.

His DC were coming round at around 5:30. He came upstairs at 6, woke me up by turning the light on and started asking me to come downstairs, telling me the kids were here, come say hello, spend time with us and so on...

I was so mad, I was finally asleep and now I was being pestered to get up so when he said 'the kids are here now' I snapped and just replied 'And? I don't care!' and turned the light of to go back to sleep.

I am usually very involved but I just needed this rest and no, I didn't care that the kids had turned up, they are well old enough to be told I'm not feeling great so was asleep (and couldn't give less of a shit if I go and say hello).

Apparently now I don't care about the kids, am rude for not saying hello, don't want to see them etc...

@Flutter12 openly admitting she doesn’t know anything about insomnia, yet continuing to give unsolicited (and poor) health advice

Just let it go Flutter! people who have experience of the issue are telling you you’re wrong, people who know people who know people with experience of it are telling you you’re wrong, it’s as close to a consensus as you can reasonably get.

Insomnia is extreme and it’s not an issue of feeling tired, your whole body basically stops functioning, to the point of crying and vomiting. I think “fuck off” or “I don’t care” are not the most extreme phrases in that situation.

I have had insomnia for YEARS - and nothing helped it - I tried everything from meditation, CBT and lavender to sleeping tablets prescribed by my GP - none of it worked, and I went for years, lying awake with thoughts going round my head like squirrels in a cage, until 2.30am at the earliest, before finally falling asleep, and being utterly unable to wake up the following day.

I always felt tired - not just a bit weary, but a bone-deep, aching tiredness that was physical and mental, and which worsened my clinical depression immeasurably. Sometimes I fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon - I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I reached the point where my body took over and I couldn't have stayed awake if I had tried.

I reached the point where I had forgotten what it felt like to turn off the light, lie down, and fall asleep quickly. It was awful - and unlike @Flutter12, I therefore have the utmost sympathy for @DramaInPyjama.

Luckily I have found something that does help - audiobooks. I hadn't tried them before, because I didn't think it was fair on dh to have an audio book going while he was trying to sleep - I was only able to try it when we could afford a set of earbuds for me. Now I am finally managing to fall asleep in a normal amount of time - 20-40 minutes - but I am still working off years of disordered sleep, so I'm not back to normal yet (whatever normal is).

What the OP's dh did to her is NOTHING like waking her from a nap - it is more akin to waking someone who is so ill they've had to go to bed and sleep, and insisting they come downstairs to see their step children (who don't need her there, aren't going to be traumatised by her not being there, and have their father there to look after them!! No rational or kind person would say that was reasonable.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Lots of people on this thread who have never had insomnia. How lucky you are.

Those were my thoughts too. It's a special kind of hell and can cause all sorts of physical symptoms. I'm one of those people who can't nap in the day, not even when pregnant, despite feeling like a zombie. Sometimes you just need to have an early night and try to recharge a bit.

Funnily enough my insomnia is much better now, but my husband has started suffering with it since lockdown. At least we have some understanding of how the the other one feels and try not to disturb each other when we are resting.

Aside from the nonsense, this thread is about an OP who in extremis made her needs (to sleep through the night if possible ) clear to her DP.

DP ignored this expression of need / prioritises his preference for his DP to be present when his DC are at home.

It's nuts that so few can people can do the basic analysis to recognise this statement. It can only be a hang over from the times when women had no agency and were expected to uncomplaining adopt a caring role in the extended family.

I'm so glad we have moved on since then and sometimes reading MN worth that we have regressed.

Yanbu. I'd say the same myself and probably much worse if I was woken from a deep needed sleep

@FinallyHere

Aside from the nonsense, this thread is about an OP who in extremis made her needs (to sleep through the night if possible ) clear to her DP.

DP ignored this expression of need / prioritises his preference for his DP to be present when his DC are at home.

It's nuts that so few can people can do the basic analysis to recognise this statement. It can only be a hang over from the times when women had no agency and were expected to uncomplaining adopt a caring role in the extended family.

I'm so glad we have moved on since then and sometimes reading MN worth that we have regressed.

This.

It's about needs (which after a week of insomnia I'd consider medical) being ignored because of (pointless) wants.

Yet it seems Flutter is arguing that OP's DH knows better than OP does what her body needs, and that Flutter herself knows these children and OP's relationship with them better than OP does.

I’m not arguing that OPs DH knows her better than she knows herself. OPs question was whether her DH was being dramatic because he was upset that she said “I don’t care” which I don’t think he is for the various reasons I have mentioned including that sleeping in or napping or being out of your routine makes insomnia worse but he can’t do anything right it seems.

I’m surprised PPs aren’t saying to LTB

Good Lord Flutter you really do struggle with comprehension don't you? It WASN'T a nap.

@ILoveYou3000 I think you may struggle with comprehension or basic reading skills considering I said napping or sleeping in - as it shows on various sleep experts websites any form of sleeping outside of your normal bedtime hours will make insomnia worse but I’m sure you know better than a silly sleep expert.

@Flutter12 Oh please, you mentioned your apparent expertise on what it's like having insomnia (based on no experience and one quick google search) after leaving pages and pages of comments about how people must greet children and you would expect ill people to get out of bed to do the same. At that point you were still leaving gems of comments about how someone in floods of tears with exhaustion should have stayed up just to say hello and then gone to bed, which you now claim to be against generally for health reasons. It's very clear that neither you nor her DH were motivated by helping OPs insomnia, you both just think that saying hello to his kids is more important, which is ridiculous.

I think you may struggle with comprehension or basic reading skills considering I said napping or sleeping in - as it shows on various sleep experts websites any form of sleeping outside of your normal bedtime hours will make insomnia worse but I’m sure you know better than a silly sleep expert.

She was neither napping nor sleeping in. She had gone to bed for the night. And still you aren't listening to people who have first-hand experience of insomnia and disordered sleep.

I'm also not the one claiming to know better than everyone else, including the OP, about what she needed at that time. As someone else explained the advice you have found is regarding long-term insomnia.

My own situation is somewhat different in that I have a chronic condition but insomnia is an occasional symptom and I've been advised by my GP, consultant and nurses who I deal with regularly to listen to my body and sleep when I need to. As I said before sometimes trying to hold off and wait until an 'acceptable' bedtime makes the situation worse. The OP was listening to her body and knew what she needed better than you, me or her husband.

Oh please, you mentioned your apparent expertise on what it's like having insomnia (based on no experience and one quick google search)

As mentioned previously no I don’t have insomnia I just don’t get much sleep but I have grown up around insomnia my entire life and it wasn’t just one quick google search it is a well known fact and any google search will bring up the same thing - but no your correct and all the sleep experts are wrong

Flutter, earlier you said “because he woke her up even though he knew that her insomnia will be worse if she naps for too long”. Now you’re saying “I’m not arguing that OPs DH knows her better than she knows herself”.

Just like earlier in the thread where you said “even as an adult if I went over to my sisters house and my BIL was home I would expect him to come and say hi”, then straight after said “it’s not about expecting someone to do it”.

Your flip-flopping is confusing.

he can’t do anything right it seems

He could have left her alone, like she asked him to.

Ok you’re right and I’m completely wrong.

OP your DH is 100% wrong and your 100% right so I’m assuming you’ll be divorcing him now?
I bet the anti-men PPs will be very happy to hear that!

As mentioned previously no I don’t have insomnia I just don’t get much sleep but I have grown up around insomnia my entire life and it wasn’t just one quick google search it is a well known fact and any google search will bring up the same thing - but no your correct and all the sleep experts are wrong

As you have seen, many of us have had insomnia before or still do. Do you really think none of us have done any research or spoken to a health professional about it?

*Ok you’re right and I’m completely wrong.

OP your DH is 100% wrong and your 100% right so I’m assuming you’ll be divorcing him now?
I bet the anti-men PPs will be very happy to hear that!*

Now you're just being childish.

I'd say the vast majority on this thread haven't been anti-men in any way, rather anti selfish people who put their own wants above another's needs.

@Flutter12

Ok you’re right and I’m completely wrong.

OP your DH is 100% wrong and your 100% right so I’m assuming you’ll be divorcing him now?
I bet the anti-men PPs will be very happy to hear that!

OFGS!!

😆😆😆

Regardless of whether DH is BU or not if anyone is interested in the impact of greeting children there are some good research journal articles on google scholar.
It is interesting stuff but if you are struggling with preteens or teens it can be really useful to try some of the tips at home too!

@Flutter12

Ok you’re right and I’m completely wrong.

OP your DH is 100% wrong and your 100% right so I’m assuming you’ll be divorcing him now?
I bet the anti-men PPs will be very happy to hear that!

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Christ almighty

@Flutter12 - I am presuming to speak for the whole of Mumsnet when I say literally nobody is interested in another one of your irrelevant examples.

@Ohtherewearethen

WTAF!

Where have I given another example?!

Or am I getting accused of saying something another poster said again

You asked if anybody was interested in research showing the affect of being greeted on children. It is completely irrelevant to this thread. You're not even aware of when you go off on a tangent.

I dont think you were unreasonable at all.

You were exhausted and needed rest. I know the feeling, I've done it myself when I havent been sleeping well and literally slept through to the next day.

It wouldn't kill the kids to miss seeing you for one evening. Especially if you have them 50/50.

As so many people are so quick to say on here "they aren't your kids" so why should you get up when you don't feel well in order to tend to them. Their dad was there for that.

Your dp shouldn't have accused you of not caring either. It isn't what you said. It was probably his way of trying to manipulate you into getting up and guilting you. But overall the care of his kids is not your responsibility is it.

Was he irked as he would need to cook tea etc? Either way, ignore his remarks

You asked if anybody was interested in research showing the affect of being greeted on children.

Firstly, how is this an example?

Secondly, I didn’t ask - there was no question.

Thirdly, I spoke about it several times up thread. Not many people are aware of the impact of greetings - and unless you’re a teacher or social worker etc then you obviously wouldn’t have training in it which is why I’m sharing it for those that are interested.

The thread is about the OP being woken to greet her SDCs which the conversation went on to greeting children - so I would say it is relevant.

No one is forcing you to research anything so I don’t know why you feel so personally affected by my post.

[quote Ohtherewearethen]@Flutter12 - I am presuming to speak for the whole of Mumsnet when I say literally nobody is interested in another one of your irrelevant examples.[/quote]
I might be.. is it spontaneous combustion?