DH feels belittled by the way I talk

[Whatisthishit]

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

"Must admit I was a bit flummoxed when I used the word autumnal in a sentence and boss looked at me rather blankly. In the context of I love autumnal weather I thought it to be rather self explanatory."

Yes, I'm sure he could have guessed from autumn!

"No I don't know what I ever saw in him either "

This is what I don't get. If people can't have conversations, how do they end up together? Does it start at a ons that is repeated or something? Because if you went on dates, you'd find that your conversation styles don't match straight away.

When I was at secondary school in the 1970s we didn't spend a lot of time on grammar in English lessons. It certainly wasn't part of the O level syllabus.

However, I learned more about grammar and sentence structure when I took O levels in French and German, then A level French.

Tidyhousefornow makes good points, and the comments about posters' five-year-olds who know the meaning of "correlation" are irrelevant boasting, but the OP's husband is being unreasonable all the same.

"I am known at work for being articulate and good with words, but I would say that although the words Petulant, Correlation and Ambiguous are words I would use, they aren’t everyday words. And they aren’t everyday words to most (well educated) people I know."

I'd agree with this. I'd say they were words I learnt in adulthood so I obviously have a very different experience to the poster's son who understands ambiguous at a very young age.

There are a lot of very well read and well educated people on MN.

I think you should use language that you know will definitely resonate with him during an argument, otherwise it is ineffective. During a normal conversation you can speak as you naturally would and then nicely explain what a word means that he isn’t familiar with.

surely if you've both heard and read the word "petulant" you could work out from the context what it means?
Be careful with that attitude! That's how you get adults thinking livid means angry (it means greyish blue) and travesty means injustice (it means a coarse, burlesque parody); they guess wrongly from the context and they never bother to consult a dictionary.

@Tidyhousefornow

My passionate reply hasn't made you understand that it's not that simple. That's a pity.

It didn't read as passionate. It read as petulant. Which is a pity.

Tidy I understand what you mean and think you put it perfectly.

Teachers would have an easier job if it were as simple as "this is x y or z so now you know" learning and understanding something is much more complex than that. Some learn better from books, others from repetition. Off topic but when I worked in a bar most people understood how to change barrels/work the till etc by us showing them. We could detail how to do it step by step without showing them but they actually took it in, watching and learning how to do it. I know lots of people like that, equally my younger sibling is like a sponge and could fire words out at 100 mph.

MoonJelly thanks for your response and suggestions. I roughly know what petulant means but not confident enough to use it at this point. No big deal though. If I'm that keen, I'd find out. My guess is that one would need to hear and read it a certain amount of times before it becomes a natural part of their vocab. It's a bit like me trying to explain one of the formulas for my A level pure maths and expecting you to understand it and know how to use it. Without lots of practise (and building knowledge) you wouldn't have a clue. Let alone the fact that many people put up a brick wall when it comes to maths. The same can happen with English.

I have to help him with grammar because I see it as my job to prepare him the best I can. I can help with school work at this level, so I do. When it comes to secondary level, I will really struggle so I do what I can now.

I don't assume they'll know as little about politics as I do because they go to a good school and I expect them to get into good secondary schools. They are also avid readers and my aim is to inspire them to have a thirst for knowledge. However, it is a fact that they will be disadvantaged in this area compared to children who grow up in a household where such discussions are the norm. But that's okay, as we are all different. My son is superb at maths. We all have different strengths. I just want to help where I can but get frustrated that I ghave my limitations, as we all do I guess.

I have radio 4 on everyday, thank you :-) I watch the news daily and I'm planning on buying a Sunday paper.

I am telling the OP specifically to be more open minded, I am suggesting that anyone who assumes those words are bog standard to be more open minded. They may be normal words in your circle, but not in everyone's.

The OP DP is still BU though, the OP shouldn't stop using certain words because he doesnt understand them. That's life, he can either choose to ignore them and look them up later or ask her what they mean.

If I'm that keen, I'd find out

See @Tidyhousefornow this is the bit I have an issue with. I understand what you say about finding it hard and I sympathise (maths is like that for me) but sti simply say 'I don't know what it means but I can't be fussed to look it up' and then complain that you don't understand stuff makes me a bit .

But I still don't think the op has a responsibility to dumb herself down for her DH. She's using pretty standard words and it sounds like there's a power play in their relationship which is nothing to do with her vocabulary.

09:24CandyLeBonBon
It didn't read as passionate. It read as petulant. Which is a pity.

Candy. You are just the kind of person that my posts are aimed at. Sometimes it's not worth it. Other people may see things from a different perspective, which is all I'm actually trying to achieve.

Talking about wordy TV shows, I always found Ripper Street very wordy.

PS I said if I really wanted to know, I would look it up. I'm not complaining that I don't understand it. If I am interested, I will look it up. I have to be selective otherwise I would spend all day looking things up.

I was simply pointing out that I don't know the meaning of petulant and it doesn't mean I am thick and it shouldn't be assumed that everyone would know it.

This might be seen as extreme, but I couldn’t be with someone like this.

I was a very able child with a wide vocabulary (I read an awful lot- to escape the stuff going on at home), and my abusive stepfather and my mother (neither very educated and both had issues with literacy) used to police my language like this. Using a word they didn’t know would be met with derision or anger, and I’d be accused of “talking down”, “taking the piss” and be told I needed to be “brought down a peg” etc.
It always came back to their belief that I was being somehow disrespectful.

Rather than this being about him, I see this as your partner is trying to - conversely- use language to control and belittle you.

I’d put money on him doing other things like this... maybe being weird about your achievements? Unsupportive in other ways? Scoffs when you talk about dreams or ambitions?

I might be projecting hugely, in which case I apologise, but in my experience these sorts of things don’t occur in isolation.

But I still don't think the op has a responsibility to dumb herself down for her DH. She's using pretty standard words and it sounds like there's a power play in their relationship which is nothing to do with her vocabulary.

If op wants to communicate with her DH and be heard, then yes she will need to simplify her language. It's hard enough for people to listen and digest in a discussion/argument as it is if they are feeling vulnerable, and having the relationship reviewed, they aren't going to be making a mental note of what words to look up.

It doesn't matter how "basic" some people think the OP's examples are, if her DH doesn't understand them she won't be heard, if she wants a constructive conversation she will need speak more simply. It's not dumbing herself down, it's adapting to her audience.

"That's how you get adults thinking livid means angry (it means greyish blue) and travesty means injustice (it means a coarse, burlesque parody); they guess wrongly from the context and they never bother to consult a dictionary."

Until the recent thread, I thought livid meant angry. Having done a quick Google, seems I'm right. That is the no.1 meaning and the colour comes second.
Words change meaning over time and if you understand how a word is used, you will understand it's current meaning.

My dh loves big, obscure words. I always have to ask for the definition because otherwise I have no idea what his actual point is. Your dh should just do that. But a good point to remember is that communication isn't about the battle of the thesaurus but to actually get your point across and to be understood.

I listen to talk radio every single day. I hear people ring in to voice/share their opinion on whatever the subject may be. I have listened to callers barely able to string a sentence together, their vocabulary (I assume) very limited, however, they get their point across, and their opinion is valid.

I consider myself articulate, with a fair vocabulary (though I'd never heard of sesquipedelian) but I'd not have the confidence, however passionate about the topic, to call in to a live broadcast.

Some people are lucky enough to have the wherewithal to educate themselves, some don't, some won't, and some don't want to.

Listening to a live talk radio station, with educated presenters, talking to a vast range of backgrounds, really highlights that you don't need a huge vocabulary to have your say.

BTW, this is a great thread

Our vocabulary will be reduced to “innit” “ dyouknowwotimeannnn” “like” and “literally” if we don’t keep using the richness and variety of our beautiful language.|

Well, you can use the above as well as the words OP uses, I do.

When DP talks about holidays, he says ''All inconclusive"

He couldn't pronounce 'vaccine'

He also didn't know what 'petulant' meant! Neither did he know what 'flamboyant' meant.

alot