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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH feels belittled by the way I talk

258 replies

Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 18:54

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

OP posts:
electronVolt · 14/11/2020 22:30

You have a perfectly cromulent point OP.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:33

@Bluntness100

It shouldn't be an issue that I happen to use a broader range of words and it's annoying that it is

It’s only a broader range of words than him though, not the wider population.

Does he think you’re getting “above your station” or maybe he feels it makes you happy if he says you are intelligent, ie he is subtly trying ro boost you up?

What is he qualified as?

He doesn't say it to boost my ego as it only ever comes out if we're having a disagreement. In those moments he's convinced I'm trying to belittle him.

He's a supervisor in a security firm and coaches a football team.

I mop floors for a living so I'm certainly not one to get above my station.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 14/11/2020 22:34

Just looked up cromulent Grin

I have learned two new words tonight Grin

ScreamingBeans · 14/11/2020 22:35

Tell him to fuck off.

Then ask if that's basic enough for him to understand.

Seriously, he needs to fuck off. He sounds thick and resentful and he's projecting onto you, behaviour he wants to engage in - belittling. He wants to belittle you but can't because he's thick. So he is trying to make you feel self-conscious and embarrassed about being able to use the English language.

It won't stop here. Men like this don't stop. Instead of admiring you or deciding to try and keep up with you, he resents you. That's not someone who is going to be able to enhance your life, he's a fucking burden.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 22:35

He doesn't say it to boost my ego as it only ever comes out if we're having a disagreement. In those moments he's convinced I'm trying to belittle him

That’s just so illogical though, because he clearly must know what the words mean, so he’s lying. There is no way round it.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:35

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

So the system failed you and you got you vocabulary through your own application just by your love of language and reading - he should - if anything - be proud of you insted of putting you down.
Thank you that's very kind Smile
OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/11/2020 22:38

He needs to sort out his vocabulary. Has he read enough? It’s not your fault his vocabulary is poor. All of the words you used are fairly standard

Sarahlou63 · 14/11/2020 22:43

I think that if you're having a disagreement it's far more important to make yourself understood than to be overly articulate or 'wordy'. A debate (or argument) is about ideas, opinions, attitudes and beliefs - not vocabulary. I can see where he's coming from TBH.

Pukkatea · 14/11/2020 22:43

@electronVolt I'm so sad, you beat me to my comment!

HopeClearwater · 14/11/2020 22:46

Bin him off. Imagine another twenty-five years of this. Waste of your time.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:46

To add on to my second to last post, he didn't complete college because he was tasked with looking after his young sibling (unavoidable and had that had to take priority) so he dropped out after 6 months or so which he bitterly regrets.

Still, he got much further than I ever did.

As alot of you have pointed out the examples I've given here are just bog standard, commonly used words. Its not as though I come out with things like antidisestablishmentarianism or sesquipedalian (love that one)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 22:53

How many GCSEs does he have? Does he have a levels?

If he dropped out it may be simply a lack of eduction.

Arthersleep · 14/11/2020 22:57

Communication is key in a marriage. So if your choice of words impede his understanding, then surely it would be better to communicate in a clearer manner!

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:58

@Sarahlou63

I think that if you're having a disagreement it's far more important to make yourself understood than to be overly articulate or 'wordy'. A debate (or argument) is about ideas, opinions, attitudes and beliefs - not vocabulary. I can see where he's coming from TBH.
I don't try to make myself sound articulate and wordy though, the way I speak doesn't change whether I'm having a disagreement with him or catching up with family over the phone. I talk how I talk.

I've had the same crap from old friends in the past except in those cases it was thinly disguised as humour.

I just articulate myself reasonably well for somebody who comes from the background that I do, and don't pepper my sentences with things like "init" and "fucking" and "you know what i mean"

^ not a dig at DH, moreso the people I grew up around.

OP posts:
Somewhereelsewhere · 14/11/2020 23:00

I feel a bit saddened that you have to list the ways you aren’t ‘above your station’, the things you didn’t compete etc as a way to make the fact that you deem yourself to have better vocab than him as palatable.
I have no clue how your first line implies you think you are better than him. Some ofd responses from people
As you said, you know he has other strengths etc. I personally would find it inspiring and pleasing if my partner had a better command of the English language - he seems to be insecure and petty about it.
This is definitely his problem.
You shouldn’t change your use of language for fear he will get triggered.. he needs to figure this out on his own.

Itsallpointless · 14/11/2020 23:01

OP, you both sound educated enough, he's not bloody stupid, I'd just ignore his comments, unless they really upset you.

Posters here will have you thinking he's a controller, and gaslighting you etc, is that the case, or is this not a big deal for you?

electronVolt · 14/11/2020 23:09

@Pukkatea i couldn’t resist

I’ve never had a chance to use it in the wild since I learned it last year.

Throckmorton · 14/11/2020 23:12

Do you want to go through the rest of your life like this? There are better people out there who will be proud of you for the things you know, not try to belittle you for them!

JaffaCake70 · 14/11/2020 23:26

@iklboogeymum

He's using it as an excuse to shut you down. Unless you're being deliberately sesquipedalian.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
CoronaBollox · 14/11/2020 23:27

I imagine he does understand what they mean and it's more a case of him not being able to have a heated discussion.

My DB Is like this, intelligent and has a great job etc but trips over his words in an argument and used to get flustered quite a lot. So I think your DP says that to stop the argument because he cant keep up IYSWIM. I probably didnt explain that well, but I know what I mean Grin

Londonmummy66 · 14/11/2020 23:33

Wll that's his Christmas present sorted out - buy him a thesaurus...

ZZPer · 14/11/2020 23:36

Several posters have said that he should read more to broaden his vocabulary. I don’t think he needs to read anything at all. Surely, if you watch the news, the odd current affairs programme, any crime series, documentaries on anything at all that you are interested in, talk shows on subjects you are interested in (in his case, in-depth commentary/discussion segments on sports, sport tactics, sport business, etc. or about cars or film review shows or whatever) or listen to true crime podcasts or anything at all that is not early-years children's TV/reality TV/light entertainment, you automatically hear all these words repeatedly in multiple contexts and so intuitively, like everyone else in the universe, learn.

How can you not hear these words often and pick them up, unless you never ever ever watch or listen to anything beyond children’s TV. Does he never watch boxset TV series? Law and Order, CSI, Sherlock Holmes or whatever? The news items about covid or whatever. Words like correlate and ambiguous et al. come up constantly. How can he not have a fair idea of what they mean after hundreds of instances of exposure to these words. If he really doesn’t, maybe you can get him hooked on some TV shows, so that he can hear more vocab.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 23:52

I really enjoy podcasts and true crime documentaries but he actively dislikes both, he thinks that just listening to people talking is dull.

He likes watching films and enjoys box sets like the walking dead (which I also love) but podcasts and documentaries are generally a big no.

I had to badger him to watch Blackfish on Netflix today which he actually found really interesting, but the fact it was a documentary put him off to begin with.

It's a given that he'll have heard all of these words thousands of times over but he just doesn't take them in and apply them himself. He has no desire to extend his vocabulary and I have no problem with that, unfortunately he does seem to have a problem with me extending mine.

I'm feeling a bit shitty tonight about the fact this keeps coming up, after hearing it umpteen times and rolling my eyes I'm now taking it to heart.

What a poster upthread mentioned struck a chord with me, surely he should be proud of (and pleased for) me that I've managed to educate myself to a reasonable degree after being failed by the system as a child.

I know if the roles were reversed then I'd be proud of him (as I am regardless)

OP posts:
CornedBeef451 · 14/11/2020 23:58

My DH has said the same but backed down when he said the same thing to one of his friends and got shot down. Apparently his friend can use a wide vocabulary so he's stopped bugging me about it.

Like OP I don't use anything particularly unusual, just perfectly normal words.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/11/2020 00:06

@Coyoacan

Personally if I don't understand a word someone is using I ask them what it means and that way I learn something.
I would prefer to look it up later than show myself up. It takes courage to ask I think.