DH feels belittled by the way I talk

[Whatisthishit]

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

He doesn't tend to ask me to elaborate most of the time, he just gets moody and says things like "well I don't know what that means, I don't know all these big words"

This came about again today because he was talking about Lady C (I'm a celebrity get me out of here) as they were showing clips on tv. He went off on a tangent about how people like to use "big" words to belittle people, aka what he is always accusing me of doing.

'Lady' C is a ghastly person so to put me in the same bracket as her was a kick in the teeth.

Ridiculous really but like I said it is a recurring theme and I'm tired of it.

@214 at least he hasn't accused OP of sesquipedalian loquaciousness...

Must admit I was a bit flummoxed when I used the word autumnal in a sentence and boss looked at me rather blankly. In the context of I love autumnal weather I thought it to be rather self explanatory.

Don't change...it's just his childish way of trying to win the argument. Just tell him to " fuck off" next time. He should know what that means....if not, use sign language!

Seriously think you may be married to my ex!

He used exactly this bollocks when he was losing an argument.

He hated that I could argue better than him - mainly as he was usually wrong

Petulant
Correlation
Ambiguous

Just standard words. Nothing extreme

 yep! Fairly sure you're dealing with my ex!

He once objected to use of "alternative"

.His inferiority complex is not your problem to fix

My ex was thick as! He's never read a book, can't follow ANY film with any kind of twist in it, can't follow most 9pm tv dramas (I'm not even talking particularly cerebral ones here he'd struggle with midsummer murders type level) and I even had to explain some of the sarcasm/satire type humour in shows like friends, he didn't vote when I first met him because he was clueless about politics and honestly believed it didn't affect him - he was in the army!

No I don't know what I ever saw in him either 

@picosandsancerre mocking and belittling when it's genuinely happening as in your case isn't acceptable either

Joking aside it was EXHAUSTING because it wasn't just an issue during arguments but anything relating to bureaucracy, or reading instructions or buying particularly high price or technical items etc I had to explain to him in a way he understood which was incredibly frustrating and slowed down a lot of basic day to day tasks. Eg understanding an mot report or how to set up a video player or even cooking instructions on packets!

If you used simple words no doubt he'd accuse you of being patronising and talking down to him

Yep! Had that with ex too - couldn't win!

@pjmask - I'm about as working class as you get and I know what they mean and my dd and her local friends do too. Weegie living west coast of Scotland on benefits, my parents who both left school aged 14 and very working class would know too!

After we split I got my 2nd degree - in English - literature and linguistics

He has fuck all chance of winning an argument with me now, not that we speak anyway nor did he ever really have much chance, but then I struggle to think of a time he won an argument with anyone, even dd was running rings around him by the time she was 7!

Yabu to dismiss a good use of "fucking" though for we weegies swearing is practically our dialect!

Glaswegians swear differently from most folk I know. Glasgow is the only city in the world where you can be endearingly referred to as “a good c”. Had I not witnessed, with my own brown eyes, a granny call her grandchild exactly that, I wouldn't have believed it.

https://www.heraldscotland.com/opinion/14681384.glaswegians-swear-differently-from-most-folk-i-know/

Surely, if you watch the news, the odd current affairs programme, any crime series, documentaries on anything at all that you are interested in, talk shows on subjects you are interested in (in his case, in-depth commentary/discussion segments on sports, sport tactics, sport business, etc. or about cars or film review shows or whatever) or listen to true crime podcasts or anything at all that is not early-years children's TV/reality TV/light entertainment, you automatically hear all these words repeatedly in multiple contexts and so intuitively, like everyone else in the universe, learn.

You would think...but no, I had times when my ex would mute the tv show HE was watching (usually rugby) and ask me to "translate" something the presenter had just said, I wouldn't be paying attention as it wasn't a show I was interested in and often this would CAUSE an argument because he'd get the word wrong, tell me a completely different word (but maybe sounded similar) that didn't make sense in the context. He'd get annoyed at me for basically not being bloody psychic!

I forget the exact incidents now but often he'd watch the repeat or record it and then have me watch the actual show at which point I'd realise HIS mistake yet somehow it would still be my fault that I didn't figure out wtf he was on about and therefore wes unable to "translate" for him! Maddening!

Law and Order, CSI, Sherlock Holmes or whatever?

My ex would genuinely not have been able to follow those shows! I'd have had to pause every 10/15 mins or do a summary in the ad breaks!

but the fact it was a documentary put him off to begin with.

Yea no way my ex would voluntarily watch a documentary even on a subject he's interested in. It took me a year Into marriage to get him to watch the news properly beyond the headlines! I don't think he's ever read a newspaper above the level of the star! He's most definitely never read a factual book beyond those he was required to for his job.

What's scary is his army job required communication that literally meant life or death results if someone got it wrong! Genuinely frightening that he was so thick yet had that job (on the the other hand it could be argued someone more intelligent would have more sense than to willingly do it!)

He has no desire to extend his vocabulary and I have no problem with that, unfortunately he does seem to have a problem with me extending mine.

I don't know what you can do to resolve this problem, OP, but you can see clearly what the problem is, and yanbu.

@Whatisthishit
It takes two seconds to Google the meaning but I'm happy to explain anyway.

Speaking as someone who's english skills aren't brillinant ( think I'm mildly dysletic ) .You know fine well he won't understand what the words mean .
So you dilibrately use them knowing he won't understand them .Do you honest expect him to stop mid argument and google them so he can reply or humiliate himself by asking you to explain the meaning .

I've done training sessions at work written on a flip chart to see people sniggering at my spelling and grammar makes you feel about an inch tall.

Maybe just consider for a second that there are many many people who haven't had a decent education, who haven't been exposed to varied language and who have little interest in reading.

My language is limited. I find it frustrating that I don't just 'know' the vocabulary that you all seem to think is pretty bog standard. I'm really sad that my children won't absorb the kind of language from me that I'd like them to.

The question is: why am I sad? The answer is simple and it's because we are judged. My school was utterly shit and I left with nothing. However, I went to college and gained relatively good gcse and A levels. I went to a good university, but found it super tough because of the language barrier. It's not easy when you have to look up several words in each paragraph. It's also demoralising.

Hearing you all has made me sad.

It's not a given that everybody should understand those words. I have many aunts and cousins who wouldn't have a clue. That only means that they haven't had the exposure. It doesn't mean they are thick. They are very working class for sure. Does that mean they lack intelligence? They are uneducated for sure. Does that mean they are thick?

Maybe just take a moment to think about all the people reading this thread who don't understand one or more of the words in the example. It's easy to say pick up at dictionary or Google it, but trust me, it's not that easy.

I struggle even with my son's weekly spellings. I spend about an hour looking them up, finding synonyms, antonyms and examples of sentences just so I can explain them to him. These are words that I'm very sure you would wonder how I don't know them already. These are words that you would refer to as bog standard. They are words that you would claim everybody should know.

Broaden your minds. Not everybody has the same life experiences. I think it's thick that would would all say such things and not have the intelligence to know that there are millions of people out there that won't know the meanings of the words given in the OP. Furthermore, it's NOT THEIR FAULT AND IT'S NOT A REFLECTION ON THEIR INTELLIGENCE BUT JUST THEIR LIFE EXPERIENCE.

I just don't think you're compatible 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Whatisthishit

To give some examples of the things he's referring to..

Petulant
Correlation
Ambiguous

Just standard words. Nothing extreme.

Yes I can see those words being a problem, my DH would would have to look some of those up to be sure of their meaning.

Petulant is a word he would never usually hear, Correlation he would struggle with knowing what it means but I think he would have a general idea. Ambiguous he would be fine with.

I think the word 'thick' is very derogatory, it's insulting to call someone this. I know people who may not be comfortable with those words, but I'd never call them thick.

I think @Tidyhousefornow makes some very valid points.

@ScreamingBeans

Tell him to fuck off.

Then ask if that's basic enough for him to understand.

Seriously, he needs to fuck off. He sounds thick and resentful and he's projecting onto you, behaviour he wants to engage in - belittling. He wants to belittle you but can't because he's thick. So he is trying to make you feel self-conscious and embarrassed about being able to use the English language.

It won't stop here. Men like this don't stop. Instead of admiring you or deciding to try and keep up with you, he resents you. That's not someone who is going to be able to enhance your life, he's a fucking burden.

^100% agree.

Thank you. (I used the word thick to emphasise my point but also think it's a horrible word).

I don't know what petulance means. I've heard it and would have read it, but I don't know how to use it. Does this mean I should look it up? If I want to I will, but I shouldn't feel I have to. I would spend my days looking words up if I felt I had to keep up with people who surround me.

I have A level English believe it or not. My vocabulary is shit and my grammar is poor. I may be able to compose this message but grammar homework for year 5 has me stumped every time. Therefore, just to help my son, I am doing a Functional Skills English course and my head is in grammar books everyday.

What saddens me is I know my children are going to be judged throughout life because of their lack of knowledge. There's only so much I can do. We don't sit around the table discussing politics or world affairs because I'm utterly clueless. I can't spend my every waking hour trying to educate myself. It's exhausting!

Be a little more open minded and realise that we all have different experiences. Don't make assumptions. What is the norm for you isn't the norm for everyone, by any means.

Interestingly, I know people who think I have a wide vocabulary, who think I'm 'posh', who think I'm well educated. Others will think the complete opposite. Well, at least I have the ability to know this. Do you see my point? To some, you will seem less intelligent. Compared to others, you will appear 'thick'. It's all sliding scale and it doesn't reflect who we are as people. This thread has been overwhelmingly judgemental. You call others unintelligent, but you are narrow minded. I know which one I'd rather be.

Since when has it been acceptable to call people thick

@Tidyhousefornow exactly.
I had a privileged upbringing. Dh didnt. He is sharp as a tack. Incredibly clever despite not having my vocab, or I wouldn't be with him.

@Tidyhousefornow

Thank you. (I used the word thick to emphasise my point but also think it's a horrible word).

I don't know what petulance means. I've heard it and would have read it, but I don't know how to use it. Does this mean I should look it up? If I want to I will, but I shouldn't feel I have to. I would spend my days looking words up if I felt I had to keep up with people who surround me.

I have A level English believe it or not. My vocabulary is shit and my grammar is poor. I may be able to compose this message but grammar homework for year 5 has me stumped every time. Therefore, just to help my son, I am doing a Functional Skills English course and my head is in grammar books everyday.

What saddens me is I know my children are going to be judged throughout life because of their lack of knowledge. There's only so much I can do. We don't sit around the table discussing politics or world affairs because I'm utterly clueless. I can't spend my every waking hour trying to educate myself. It's exhausting!

Be a little more open minded and realise that we all have different experiences. Don't make assumptions. What is the norm for you isn't the norm for everyone, by any means.

Interestingly, I know people who think I have a wide vocabulary, who think I'm 'posh', who think I'm well educated. Others will think the complete opposite. Well, at least I have the ability to know this. Do you see my point? To some, you will seem less intelligent. Compared to others, you will appear 'thick'. It's all sliding scale and it doesn't reflect who we are as people. This thread has been overwhelmingly judgemental. You call others unintelligent, but you are narrow minded. I know which one I'd rather be.

If you can't be bothered to expand your vocabulary but expect everyone to dumb down to suit you, then how is that remotely fair?

Googling a word take 5 minutes. Your children will benefit and so will you. It's not that hard.

Sounds like he’s just got a chip on his shoulder about his education or lack of it.

Just another insecure man trying to bring a woman down rather than raise her up. You deserve better OP.

If you can't be bothered to expand your vocabulary but expect everyone to dumb down to suit you, then how is that remotely fair?

Googling a word take 5 minutes. Your children will benefit and so will you. It's not that hard.

Nowhere did I say that I want anyone to dumb down their vocabulary.

I Google all fucking day. Did you not read my post? I have my head in books for hours each day. I am doing all that I can to help my children. Maybe I should post a picture of my kitchen table and sofa. There are books strewn all over the place. I am studying like you wouldn't believe, so that I can help my PRIMARY school children.

Understand that Googling a word doesn't magically make me fully understand how to use it. It's a longer process to fully know how to use it in the correct context.

Understand that even when I've Google it, looked at several websites, written down sentences with it in, I may still not completely know how to use it when speaking naturally. My point is, this thread is confirming that people will judge me for not knowing. The question is whether it is my fault that I don't know......

@Daphnise

I have the impression, and that is quite permitted, that you do think by spouting words- which you yourself may be using incorrectly, by the way-you are trying to steamroller him.

Basic communication does not need abstruse words, or your (self appointed) immense vocabulary.

Maybe when he gets more fed up with your condescension, he will get up and go.

Or as you might put it "review the validity of the status quo of the ongoing relationship and determine that its future potential is likely to be unrewarding, thus necessitating a discontinuation in the mutual interest of the participating parties".

I bet the OP understand the definition of the word 'irony'.

Basic communication does not need abstruse words, or your (self appointed) immense vocabulary.

Have a look at the examples that OP gives. There is absolutely nothing abstruse about them. @Daphnise, you sound as if you have as big a chip on your shoulder as OP's husband.

Obviously this is his problem overall, but, to be more easily understood and to give more power and persuasion to your words, plain language is best (in my opinion). It's quite a difficult skill to master I think, but important (for work, with kids, relationships etc). Not one I particularly possess as can be seen

Understand that Googling a word doesn't magically make me fully understand how to use it. It's a longer process to fully know how to use it in the correct context.

If you google a word, it will show you how to use that word in a sentence.

It's not hard. And it would take a lot less time than your ranty reply.

My passionate reply hasn't made you understand that it's not that simple. That's a pity.

I agree with your points @Tidyhousefornow

I am known at work for being articulate and good with words, but I would say that although the words Petulant, Correlation and Ambiguous are words I would use, they aren’t everyday words. And they aren’t everyday words to most (well educated) people I know.

While the OP shouldn’t be dumbing down the way she speaks I must admit that I get the impression that she knows perfectly well he won’t understand some of the words she uses, so why use them? He is belittling her because he feels belittled. TBH it sounds like the OP and her DP aren’t compatible.

BTW I last used the word petulant last week when we were talking about Donald Trump

@Tidyhousefornow, surely if you've both heard and read the word "petulant" you could work out from the context what it means? That's how every child builds up their vocabulary. It's being rather frequently used in relation to Donald Trump's behaviour at the moment, for instance.

You really shouldn't worry about your Year 5 child's grammar homework. Government guidance on grammar is really pretty crap; I was at a school which was hot on grammar and analysing sentence structure, but I've managed for several decades subsequently perfectly successfully without knowing what a fronted adverbial was.

Why assume your children will go through life knowing nothing about politics and world affairs because you say you are utterly clueless? Do you assume they will never discuss this in school or college, and will never be interested enough to read a paper or listen to current affairs on the radio or TV? Come to that, you could remedy your own situation incredibly easily simply by having something like Radio 4 on in the background as you cook.

It's quite ironic that you tell OP to be more open minded, when OP's problem is that it is her husband who is not open-minded and thinks everyone should communicate at his level.