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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH feels belittled by the way I talk

258 replies

Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 18:54

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

OP posts:
rorosemary · 14/11/2020 19:13

@Whatisthishit

To give some examples of the things he's referring to..

Petulant
Correlation
Ambiguous

Just standard words. Nothing extreme.

I'm foreign. Don't live in the UK. English is not my first language. I know what these words mean. Is he trying to manipulate you to shut up or does he really not know what they mean?
Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 19:14

@byebyeboyee

The care home I used to work in complained because I wrote in the handover book that one of our clients had defacated in another clients bin that morning. Apparently it was too fancy a word for shitting in a bin and I should have used opened his bowels in the bin ?!? So I would like to know what words your using that are too smart. As the person who said my words were too smart didn't know Paris was in France.
Grin
OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 14/11/2020 19:14

@byebyeboyee

Get hima word a day calender for Christmas
Try to find one where the first word is 'passive aggressive' Grin
saraclara · 14/11/2020 19:16

@rwalker

Your opening line makes it clear you think you a better than him so he might have a point
No it doesn't. She simply stating a fact.
BoulangerieBabs · 14/11/2020 19:17

Sorry but fwiw I would never have continued a relationship with some who was not at least my intellectual equal.

If he's not prepared to expand his vocabulary and is being a petulant dick then I'd move on.

Life is just too short to massage a man's ego because he doesn't want to learn.

Love51 · 14/11/2020 19:17

I'm doing a training course. My tutor said she had to Google a word in had used, which I thought was fairly common. It was Zeitgeist. I would have thought that only youngsters might not know it.

In a relationship it would be odd to have to dumb down, especially as you are using words that non-native speakers would use. There isn't an obvious substitute for correlation or ambiguous.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 14/11/2020 19:18

@Whatisthishit

To give some examples of the things he's referring to..

Petulant
Correlation
Ambiguous

Just standard words. Nothing extreme.

Correlation is not an every day word in my world, although I use it at work.

The other two are very normal though.

Wiredforsound · 14/11/2020 19:19

Is he a bit thick? My 12 year old could tell you the meaning of those words.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 19:19

He genuinely doesn't know what those words mean, they're just a few examples but he often stops me to say he doesn't know what the word means so then I rephrase it.

There is a marked difference in emotional intelligence yes, however he at least completed school and went to college which is more than can be said for me.

He is fantastic with numbers, I'm mediocre at best. I wouldn't dream of telling him I feel belittled by the fact he's better at mathematics than I am so I do find it upsetting how my very basic, normal vocabulary is weaponised in an argument.

OP posts:
FredtheFerret · 14/11/2020 19:22

I'm sorry - but anyone who fired, We can't all be as intelligent as you at me in a disagreement would be binned.

The fact that he's so thick that this is his only comeback would do it for me. Have you tried saying, Nor can we all be as uneducated as you? in response? Because that's what it's asking for.

BoulangerieBabs · 14/11/2020 19:23

@Whatisthishit

He genuinely doesn't know what those words mean, they're just a few examples but he often stops me to say he doesn't know what the word means so then I rephrase it.

There is a marked difference in emotional intelligence yes, however he at least completed school and went to college which is more than can be said for me.

He is fantastic with numbers, I'm mediocre at best. I wouldn't dream of telling him I feel belittled by the fact he's better at mathematics than I am so I do find it upsetting how my very basic, normal vocabulary is weaponised in an argument.

Then buy him a dictionary and a thesaurus to help him expand his vocabulary. If he is offended then I think you'll know how your life is going to pan out.
vanillandhoney · 14/11/2020 19:23

I suspect him not knowing makes him feel stupid and he takes it out on you.

Maybe he's embarrassed that he doesn't know what they mean?

user1471448556 · 14/11/2020 19:24

Never dumb yourself down. It’s his issue.

DoubleHelix79 · 14/11/2020 19:26

I'm not a native English speaker (although I've lived in the UK for over a decade now) and would use those words in everyday conversations.

ChristmasReindeer · 14/11/2020 19:27

If I don't know a word I look it up or ask the person using it to explain, I don't tell the person not to use it. He sound like he's got a chip on his shoulder about his intelligence levels or education or he's trying to shut you up. I wouldn't change my vocabulary for him, you're using 'normal' words in the correct context and you rephrase when he says he doesn't understand. This is all on him. He could end the relationship (though if I were you I would do that myself) or he could expand his vocabulary.

ScienceSensibility · 14/11/2020 19:27

Hard agree.
Never dumb down, for anybody.
Our vocabulary will be reduced to “innit” “ dyouknowwotimeannnn” “like” and “literally” if we don’t keep using the richness and variety of our beautiful language.

EKGEMS · 14/11/2020 19:28

@FredtheFerret "We can't all remain as ignorant as you"

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/11/2020 19:28

He's simply trying to shut you up - I asked DS, secondary school, English is not his first language, not in the UK and he knows what these words mean.
(Ordinary crossword puzzles - not the famous English kind - help with vocabulary building.)

EKGEMS · 14/11/2020 19:28

@FredtheFerret Is what I thought to reply to his complaint not directed at you

MikeUniformMike · 14/11/2020 19:34

Use like and literally a lot to make yourself sound less intellectual. Like literally.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/11/2020 19:35

Does he, by any chance, use this line more when his own argument is particularly weak?

byebyeboyee · 14/11/2020 19:36

Get out of the relationship this guy is just going to get worse, anyone who belittles your intelligence is not worth your time.

user12345796 · 14/11/2020 19:36

Move on

picosandsancerre · 14/11/2020 19:37

Not sure about this one as I know I am not as well educated as he is. He does like to ridicule me and mocks my use of language. This is usually during a debate and then he will detract from the debate by picking me up on a word I used. He knows exactly what I mean but will use this tactic to distract me from the discussion. So for me it isnt about dumbing down as I can hold my own with the DH however he tries to make me look stupid

BoulangerieBabs · 14/11/2020 19:40

@picosandsancerre

Not sure about this one as I know I am not as well educated as he is. He does like to ridicule me and mocks my use of language. This is usually during a debate and then he will detract from the debate by picking me up on a word I used. He knows exactly what I mean but will use this tactic to distract me from the discussion. So for me it isnt about dumbing down as I can hold my own with the DH however he tries to make me look stupid
I think you may need to look at the dynamics in your relationship. There's no way I'd put up with that!