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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH feels belittled by the way I talk

258 replies

Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 18:54

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

OP posts:
214 · 14/11/2020 20:58

@iklboogeymum

He's using it as an excuse to shut you down. Unless you're being deliberately sesquipedalian.
This is the only time ever I have seen sesquipedalian used in a sentence, you've made my day! Not sure why this this word appeals so much but I've long admired it.
Lightsontbut · 14/11/2020 20:59

If you want to communicate with him you need to bear in mind what he understands. Saying that he 'should' know the words is not nice. We all have things we're better and worse at. If you're not willing to make a context where you can genuinely communicate then this is not the relationship for you.

Mostlydrinkingtea · 14/11/2020 20:59

I am not sure what the rest of your relationship is like but he may be abusive, there is a book called why does he do that. Check it out. Hopefully that’s not the case but just wanted to mention.

Itsallpointless · 14/11/2020 21:07

sesquipedalian what a beautiful word..love itSmile

BrightYellowDaffodil · 14/11/2020 21:09

Those are completely normal words, it’s not like you’re suddenly switching into Latin. His insecurity, plus his using the difference in your vocabularies as a stick with which to beat you, would be a big turn off.

I once dated a guy who got really upset that I was more highly educated than him - I didn’t bring it up, he specifically asked me. I actually thought what he did was quite impressive - he was a landscape gardener as well as heavily involved in a marine charity - but he just wouldn’t let the educational difference drop. That didn’t last long, thank God.

UniversalAunt · 14/11/2020 21:14

Good at maths but does not know what correlates means?

Bollox.

He’s playing you.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 21:31

@UniversalAunt

Good at maths but does not know what correlates means?

Bollox.

He’s playing you.

Or maybe the ops perception of “good at maths” is not maybe what yours or mine is. She might mean he can add up and do basic arithmetic rather than he’s using Pythagorean theorem , is a dab hand at trigonometry, algebra and elliptic geometry.

I agree someone who was a math whizz would know what the word correlation meant.

So either he’s not good at math and he’s just able to do basic arithmetic, and he also struggles with basic English, or he is indeed bullshitting her, because no one good at math doesn’t understand correlation

CorianderLord · 14/11/2020 21:31

So he's thick? That's a him problem

Ginfordinner · 14/11/2020 21:34

He just sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder.

Has anyone else googled the word sesquipedalian? Grin

CorianderLord · 14/11/2020 21:51

[quote DC3Dakota]@Whatisthishit By the way OP, I exactly what you mean when you say that others find you posh when you're really not. I live in Harrogate which many people think of as being pretentious and full of snobs. The accent is far more 'posh' than that of the rest of Yorkshire but I'm far, far from posh! I was raised in a working class household (probably could be considered slightly middle class now but definitely wasn't growing up!) but the accent I have, combined with my weird hatred of slang and obsession with using correct words, I come across as slightly posh. It's so annoying!!![/quote]
🙈🙈🙈 I'm from Harrogate too

derxa · 14/11/2020 22:03

@rwalker

Your opening line makes it clear you think you a better than him so he might have a point
True
Itsallpointless · 14/11/2020 22:05

@Ginfordinner I did😂

echt · 14/11/2020 22:08

Your opening line makes it clear you think you a better than him so he might have a point

The only thing that's clear his that you have assigned an intention, as well as being a mind reader.Hmm

This is her first line

because I have a wider vocabulary than he has

How on earth do you get that?

Aisforharlot · 14/11/2020 22:10

have not rtft but I could have written your op! I am a reader and dh is not, so I have a wider vocab. He feels like I'm talking down to him when we argue when I'm just talking.

VaTeLaverLesMains · 14/11/2020 22:13

Are you Melania?

I would learn a few foreign languages just to piss him off even more.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 22:14

@CorianderLord

So he's thick? That's a him problem
I’m not sure, I would have said very uneducated, but the op says he went to college, although she doesn’t say what for or what qualifications he achieved.

It could be a low intelligence level but generally I find people who don’t understand basic English it’s more often than not about lack of eduction (unless second language or additional learning needs) . However the college thing throws both lack of education and low iq into dispute. He is both intelligent and educated above school level.

In addition the op says he is mathematically good. Which takes a lot of intelligence, and a very specific skill set, it’s something that needs to be taught so I assume he did maths to a high level.

There is a potential though the op used the wrong word and meant arithmetic, as mathematicians understand correlation.

So I think saying he’s “thick” is harsh, it doesn’t appear so. But I don’t think anyone of us can understand why is understanding of the English language would be so low, unless he is bullshitting her.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:15

I don't think my opening line indicates I think that I'm better than him at all.

I genuinely don't.

We're just quite different people, for example I love reading and researching subjects (i didn't when I was young!) whereas the idea of sitting down with a book is mind numbing to him.

Avid readers tend to have more expansive vocabularies don't they?

He's brilliant at many things.

It shouldn't be an issue that I happen to use a broader range of words and it's annoying that it is.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/11/2020 22:18

why would you want to be with someone who is so proud of his limited vocabulary that he expects everyone to dumb down to his level? Hmm

wowfudge · 14/11/2020 22:23

It's definitely his problem. Even if it's not a word you're familiar with, it's possible to get the gist from the context.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 22:24

RE college - he did sports therapy

Sport is his passion and he openly admits he wasn't academic and that's fine, nor was I.

He got a poor GCSE result for English but got a B+ for math.

See if I were to take a GSCE for math now then I would almost certainly get a D, maybe a C if I'm being generous with myself.

I'm useless with numbers but I think that stems more from the fact that I just wasn't being educated during my school years, that's mostly down to poor parental provisions and me slipping through the net so to speak.

Math didn't interest me so when I was there I didn't apply myself but overall spent more time out of school than I did in. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't receive a formal education post year 7!

I've always been interested in literature and loved reading so have educated myself to a reasonable level over the years to make up for what I missed out on.

OP posts:
WanderlustWitch · 14/11/2020 22:24

Just anecdotal i guess but my exh used to tell me he didn't understand words I used just as a way to 'pause' an argument he was losing, forcing me to reword things so he'd 'understand' what I was saying better - thus throwing me off. Not saying your DP is doing this but the words you outlined using there are pretty standard!!

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 22:26

It shouldn't be an issue that I happen to use a broader range of words and it's annoying that it is

It’s only a broader range of words than him though, not the wider population.

Does he think you’re getting “above your station” or maybe he feels it makes you happy if he says you are intelligent, ie he is subtly trying ro boost you up?

What is he qualified as?

ShadyBansheeThing · 14/11/2020 22:27

So he was attracted to you for your intelligence (amongst other things I am sure) and now wants you to stop being intelligent because it makes him feel threatened?

Yes that makes sense to me as my ex who was like this was similar.

He liked my intelligence and said I was interesting... yet he was also threatened and had a deep need to be better than me. He eventually cheated on me with a woman who he found much less intelligent/intellectual, we split up... then he came moaning to me that she was boring and he missed my intelligence 🤦🏻‍♀️

The patriarchy has a lot to answer for. So many men find women threatening for just being normal.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 22:30

Sorry cross posted, if he did sports therapy and has both GCSEs and I assume a levels to be able to go on and do sports therapy,, then he understands the words you’re using op. He absolutely one hundred percent under stands them

So something else is at play

Either He is trying or subtly boost you up because he thinks it makes you happy, Or he is trying to stop arguments by saying he doesn’t understand. Or both,

But he understands basic English alright. And he understands the basic words you’re using,

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/11/2020 22:30

So the system failed you and you got you vocabulary through your own application just by your love of language and reading - he should - if anything - be proud of you insted of putting you down.