DH feels belittled by the way I talk

[Whatisthishit]

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

Be careful with that attitude! That's how you get adults thinking livid means angry (it means greyish blue)

livid
/ˈlɪvɪd/
adjective: livid
1.
furiously angry.
"he was livid that Garry had escaped"

dark bluish grey in colour.
"livid bruises"

I was simply pointing out that I don't know the meaning of petulant and it doesn't mean I am thick and it shouldn't be assumed that everyone would know it.

But you presumably wouldn't object, @Tidyhousefornow, if someone else used the word in conversation with you, or think that they were somehow being rude or condescending? If you would, why?

@ScreamingBeans

Tell him to fuck off.

Then ask if that's basic enough for him to understand.

Seriously, he needs to fuck off. He sounds thick and resentful and he's projecting onto you, behaviour he wants to engage in - belittling. He wants to belittle you but can't because he's thick. So he is trying to make you feel self-conscious and embarrassed about being able to use the English language.

It won't stop here. Men like this don't stop. Instead of admiring you or deciding to try and keep up with you, he resents you. That's not someone who is going to be able to enhance your life, he's a fucking burden.

Harsh but on the money!

OP, did you rush into marrying this belittling twat?

If you don't have children together, think good and hard about binding yourself long term to such a small little man.

Sounds like you have really married down, don't get stuck there.

No, I wouldn't object. If you look carefully at my posts, I've not made any reference to the OP's partner and the argument surrounding all of that.

Petulant, Correlation, Ambiguous

I use these words when I'm writing an essay.

Whilst this thread is extremely interesting (I’m a language teacher, trilingual, my dh moans if I can’t remember the word in English!), I think the point is being missed.

From my perspective, the DP would belittle the OP if say, she got a job which he considered better than his, or achieved something he couldn’t. I think it runs a lot deeper than her using bog standard vocabulary. I agree with a pp who says of course he knows what the words mean, he’s just being an arse (she says, eloquently!) Possibly he’s still resentful that he had to give up his Uni placement.

The Sports students at Uni always used to joke about themselves, that they were ‘kinaesthetic’ learners and not as intellectual as others doing more academic subjects.

Presumably he didn't have a problem with this when you were dating? What's changed?

@buildingbridge

Petulant, Correlation, Ambiguous

I use these words when I'm writing an essay.

But never in speech? You've actually never called Trump a petulant baby? I thought everyone had at some point over the previous four years.

I personally think that a rich language is very important and needs preserving. If we dumb down rather than reach up we end up with a nation full of Trump speakers to whom everything is "bad" or "bigly" or whatever. Do we want that?

I wouldn't use some of the words I have read on here and would definitely have to look them up in a dictionary, but those aren't the words the op is using.

There is an author who uses preprandial (spell checker underlined this in red, so doesn't even recognise it as a word ) a lot in his books, although I can't remember his/her name. I had to look it up and now know what it means, but will never use it in speech.

@knittingaddict

Is it Will Self?

My ex used to moan at me for using Scottish expressions. For ten years he couldnt grasp the idea that the bunker is the kitchen counter. I thimk he used to do it deliberately in a passive agressive way. Yours dounds equally annoying!

Living in Scotland!

@moronseverywhere1

But I still don't think the op has a responsibility to dumb herself down for her DH. She's using pretty standard words and it sounds like there's a power play in their relationship which is nothing to do with her vocabulary.

If op wants to communicate with her DH and be heard, then yes she will need to simplify her language. It's hard enough for people to listen and digest in a discussion/argument as it is if they are feeling vulnerable, and having the relationship reviewed, they aren't going to be making a mental note of what words to look up.

It doesn't matter how "basic" some people think the OP's examples are, if her DH doesn't understand them she won't be heard, if she wants a constructive conversation she will need speak more simply. It's not dumbing herself down, it's adapting to her audience.

This is spot on. What do you want OP? To “win” the argument or to get your point across and get a resolution.

So you've got together and then got married over the course of three years to a guy you're now discovering is a bit misogynistic, petty, can't communicate and resents any implication that you might be 'better' or more adept at anything than him, so he puts you down?

Hmm. Forget the grammar argument, how old are you? Because seriously, this relationship sounds pretty doomed. If you're not desperate for kids as time is running out, I woudl seriously consider whether you've made a mistake with this one. While you consider, DON'T GET PREGNANT.

There are few things worse than going through your one precious life with someone by your side who

• can't communicate with you
• isn't on your side
• won't support you
• puts you down.

Being matched in intelligence and education is below these considerations, but it's also still important - it contributes massively to shared outlook and interests, for one.

You don't sound as if you have that either.

Tidyhousefornow no-one's thick because they don't have a big vocabulary or didn't get decent educational opportunities.

Thick is an attitude of mind, not about how much you know.

The OP's DP is thick not because he doesn't understand some words, but because he actively resents the fact that his partner does understand and use them and he sneers at her and undermines her for doing so.

I've got some sympathy with him if he's got a bit of an inferiority complex about not having had the educational opportunities that should be everyone's right. But my sympathy ends where he tries to undermine his partner in order to make up for what he feels are his own shortcomings. It's not his vocabulary or education that makes him thick, it's his behaviour.

DP isn't a great reader he has found a love for audio books it really helps expand your vocabulary.

@rwalker

Your opening line makes it clear you think you a better than him so he might have a point

Eh?! I have a wider vocabulary than DH as I read a lot of trash but instead of being threatened by it he uses me as a human dictionary. On the rare occasions I don't remember / don't know a word (fuck you 'hubris') he gives me a ribbing.

The care home I used to work in complained because I wrote in the handover book that one of our clients had defacated in another clients bin that morning. Apparently it was too fancy a word for shitting in a bin what type of care home was this?! Im imagining 90 year olds...

From my perspective, the DP would belittle the OP if say, she got a job which he considered better than his, or achieved something he couldn’t. I think it runs a lot deeper than her using bog standard vocabulary.
This. He wants you beneath him. The issue is his.

The OP's DP is thick not because he doesn't understand some words, but because he actively resents the fact that his partner does understand and use them and he sneers at her and undermines her for doing so.
And this ^

[quote UniversalHadIt]@knittingaddict

Is it Will Self?[/quote]
I don't think so. They were sort of Miss Marple style books, but with a male protagonist solving crime, set in a picturesque village and were a bit old fashioned. Hence the postprandial. It's going to bug me know that I can't find remember the author.

I meant preprandial not postprandial.

TBH a kitchen bunker is a new one to me.

Will Self is a good example of doing it on purpose to show off, unlike what OP is talking about. I want to dump him when I hear him on Radio 4, and I've never met him.

Blimey, "now" not "know". Good job this thread is about big words, rather than grammar and spelling.

@MoonJelly

Be careful with that attitude! That's how you get adults thinking livid means angry (it means greyish blue)

livid
/ˈlɪvɪd/
adjective: livid
1.
furiously angry.
"he was livid that Garry had escaped"

dark bluish grey in colour.
"livid bruises"

😂😂😂

Don't dunb down for him. He needs to try reading a bit more. I won't dumb down for anyone except children.

I don't try to make myself sound articulate and wordy though, the way I speak doesn't change whether I'm having a disagreement with him or catching up with family over the phone. I talk how I talk.

I've had the same crap from old friends in the past except in those cases it was thinly disguised as humour.

Whilst the words you used are everyday ones to me, I do wonder if there's something in what he says, as he isn't the only one to say this to you.

Perhaps it's your tone of voice or expression/body language when you're in debate mode.

You could be doing do subconsciously.

Some people have a way of looking down on others without even opening their mouths.

I would suggest that if debates lead down this road, perhaps you should avoid or keep them to a minimum, especially as you always win...there's really nothing positive to be gained by engaging in these arguments and debates when you know where it's going to end up.