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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH feels belittled by the way I talk

258 replies

Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 18:54

..because I have a wider vocabulary than he has.

If we are having a debate or disagreement he feels belittled because he doesn't know the meaning of some of the words I use.

AIBU to think that's his problem and I shouldn't change the way I talk?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 14/11/2020 20:07

I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t know what ambiguous meant.

It sounds like he’s just trying to shut you down when he can’t think of a valid counter point. Either way very unattractive.

ShadyBansheeThing · 14/11/2020 20:09

I had this with an ex, and also his family, who loved to tell me I "talked like a book" and was "intellectual" and thought I was above them. Again with me it's not to show off or exclude anyone, it's how I talk, and it's not excessively obscure words. Most people don't have a problem with it!

I think my ex had an issue with me being "better" than him at anything and was quite misogynist deep down (though considered himself a new man, as we used to call them). I can't see why your H can't just ask you what a word means, and add it to his knowledge. Instead he wants to slap you down for knowing something he doesn't. Bad sign IMO. As you said, he's better at some things than you are and you don't mind. He's insecure and sexist.

picosandsancerre · 14/11/2020 20:10

BoulangerieBabs to be honest it has been an issue for many years however he has terminal cancer now and isnt the same person he was.

However seeing the OP posts reminds me of him, this sense that her OH should educate himself, he needs to google these words that she uses if he doesnt understand, no more belittlling than my OH, sorry but in chats with my friends I dont whip out the phone to google the words.

Tistheseason17 · 14/11/2020 20:12

Or it could be that your are very quick in an arguement and it frustrates him not to be able to articulate his response as effectively.
My mum used to batter my Dad in rows - he's very clever but she made him feel stupid. Maybe it's how you're using the words.

picosandsancerre · 14/11/2020 20:13

BoulangerieBabs previous post was for you

goldenharvest · 14/11/2020 20:13

What words do you use that are not understood by him?

I would be hard pushed to argue with DH and use enough words to intimidate him, and I do have a better vocabulary than him.

ShadyBansheeThing · 14/11/2020 20:13

One of the things I love about MN is the very many articulate and witty women who express things so well. It's nice having interesting conversations and not feeling you have to limit your vocabulary. That's not the same thing as trying to look clever or being deliberately hard to understand - it's just using words accurately and to express what you mean.

I'm single now but if I ever have a man again he'll have to be one I don't feel expected to dumb myself down for.

BillMasen · 14/11/2020 20:14

@Tistheseason17

Or it could be that your are very quick in an arguement and it frustrates him not to be able to articulate his response as effectively. My mum used to batter my Dad in rows - he's very clever but she made him feel stupid. Maybe it's how you're using the words.
“Beating someone” in a row will not make them change their mind. It just makes them feel not listened to
Wnikat · 14/11/2020 20:16

He’s trying to control you. Jeez men are so predictable and boring.

SnowyBerries · 14/11/2020 20:16

Tell him you're anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused him such pericombobulation.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 14/11/2020 20:18

@Whatisthishit

It probably does stem from embarrassment that he doesn't understand the meaning of the words, but he implies that me using them belittles him.

It takes two seconds to Google the meaning but I'm happy to explain anyway.

I agree with those saying he should make an effort to expand his vocabulary. He's going to come across people far more "intellectual" than I am and if his M.O is to accuse them of belittling him then he's in for a difficult life.

You don't actually sound as if you like or love him very much . There is a harshness to the way you speak about him .
Boatonthehorizon · 14/11/2020 20:18

I had a boyfriend once who was just like this. He was great in bed but stupid, even especially compared to me, my lovely vipers.
It didnt last.
You need to match in intellect in relationships.
I do miss him (and his body) though and he wasnt even my last bf.

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 20:19

@Daphnise

I have the impression, and that is quite permitted, that you do think by spouting words- which you yourself may be using incorrectly, by the way-you are trying to steamroller him.

Basic communication does not need abstruse words, or your (self appointed) immense vocabulary.

Maybe when he gets more fed up with your condescension, he will get up and go.

Or as you might put it "review the validity of the status quo of the ongoing relationship and determine that its future potential is likely to be unrewarding, thus necessitating a discontinuation in the mutual interest of the participating parties".

No, you are wrong.

The way I talk to him is the way I would talk to anybody.

I have never tried to 'steamroller' him and I'm not condescending.

Basic communication.

OP posts:
GrinchnotHinch · 14/11/2020 20:20

My ex used to do this with words that really weren’t that “extravagant” (like that one for example). And it was just a tactic to bring me down

If I say anything current DP doesn’t know he would just say “what does that mean”, even in an argument

Don’t dumb down your vocabulary for anyone

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 14/11/2020 20:20

Why are you with him? Communication is a cornerstone of a strong marriage. I just couldn't be with someone like that. I'm surprised you married him if he's always been like this.

ktp100 · 14/11/2020 20:20

You shouldn't have to diminish yourself for anyone, OP.

It's not your problem, it's his.

I've been their with ex's. It's incredibly frustrating.

Iamthewombat · 14/11/2020 20:20

Christ! So he was attracted to you for your intelligence (amongst other things I am sure) and now wants you to stop being intelligent because it makes him feel threatened?

What will it be next? Stop being pretty because it makes him feel threatened? Stop being independent because it makes him feel threatened?

knittingaddict · 14/11/2020 20:21

@rwalker

Your opening line makes it clear you think you a better than him so he might have a point
I don't read it like that at all, it's just a statement of fact. I would say that my husband is much better at maths than me because he is better, what with the maths degree and all. I'm better at english than he is. Neither of us get our knickers in a twist over it.
Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 20:21

You don't actually sound as if you like or love him very much . There is a harshness to the way you speak about him

That's because I'm upset at this moment in time, that doesn't mean I don't love him.

I'm just tired of the way I speak being weaponised, it's embarrassing and offensive.

OP posts:
pjmask · 14/11/2020 20:21

YANBU. He doesn't know the words correlation or ambiguous?!

Bloody hell do you people live in the real world?! This place is such a middle class bubble it's depressing!

ktp100 · 14/11/2020 20:23

I have the impression, and that is quite permitted, that you do think by spouting words- which you yourself may be using incorrectly, by the way-you are trying to steamroller him.

You didn't give this impression in the slightest, OP.

I did enjoy the way this reply threw all manner of accusations at you for supposedly trying to sound superior whilst the poster was actively trying to sound superior themselves (and failing superbly!)

GrinchnotHinch · 14/11/2020 20:23

*Daphnise

I have the impression, and that is quite permitted, that you do think by spouting words- which you yourself may be using incorrectly, by the way-you are trying to steamroller him.

Basic communication does not need abstruse words, or your (self appointed) immense vocabulary.

Maybe when he gets more fed up with your condescension, he will get up and go.

Or as you might put it "review the validity of the status quo of the ongoing relationship and determine that its future potential is likely to be unrewarding, thus necessitating a discontinuation in the mutual interest of the participating parties".*

Did you intentionally do exactly what you’re accusing OP of doing throughout your comment (not just the sarcastic end part) 😂

Imagine being so egotistical that you think the OP wouldn’t understand the words she’s using, ones that of course you would understand

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/11/2020 20:24

Just reminded me that my BF was a bit Hmm when I used the word laborious. He is dyslexic so doesnt read much as he finds it hard, so naturally his vocabulary is more limited. We had a laugh about it, he said it was not a standard word, I said it was blah blah. Then his colleague started taking the piss as BF has started using that word at work! No issue there at all.

GrinchnotHinch · 14/11/2020 20:24

Bold fail but oh well Smile

Original poster
Whatisthishit · 14/11/2020 20:26

I'm actually a cleaner.

You couldn't get a less glamorous job if you ask me.

I have no GCSE's or qualifications (he has both)

It just so happens that I love to read and love to educate myself to make up for the lack of formal education.

I'm a cleaner by the way, to give you a clear idea of who I am as a person and what I'm not.

He earns more than me.

OP posts: