To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

You are over thinking this. It really doesn’t matter.

It's just a bit silly.

He isn't your husband.

And it's really, really, REALLY not just a piece of paper.

So..... if I were you, I would very much not lull yourself into some kind of sense of security by starting to call him 'husband' when he is not, and when you are as vulnerable as any other woman who has a child with a man she isn't married to.

Get the piece of paper. ASAP.

@BettysSpaghetti

You are over thinking this. It really doesn’t matter.

I know, I know. I think the lack of social contact during the pandemic has left me resorting to thinking out loud on Mumsnet

He’s not your husband yet so it would be incorrect.

I think the only thing would be if I met you for the first time and you mentioned you had a husband, but later spoke about your upcoming wedding I’d be confused! But really it doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things.

He’s not your husband. Your use of the term “a piece of paper” shows your extreme naivety about the significance of marriage. You’re not living as if you’re married because you’re not married. Once you’re married you can call him your husband when he’ll be your husband, it’s not complicated.

Given the way things are going, if his brothers are abroad and unlikely to be able to attend a wedding for some time then just get on with a cheap, simple, registry office ceremony and have a party at a later date.

@YoniAndGuy

It's just a bit silly.

He isn't your husband.

And it's really, really, REALLY not just a piece of paper.

So..... if I were you, I would very much not lull yourself into some kind of sense of security by starting to call him 'husband' when he is not, and when you are as vulnerable as any other woman who has a child with a man she isn't married to.

Get the piece of paper. ASAP.

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start. You were quick, well done.

It does matter in a legal context. If you are referred to as a spouse in a will and you are not actually married it can cause difficulties. Or if there is no will and an intestacy arises, it definitely matters that you are not legally married.

No, I wouldn’t refer to someone as my husband if they weren’t.

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start

Don’t be silly.

There's no technically about it, you're not married. It's not a piece of paper, it's the formalisation of your relationship in law.

You can call your husband / fiancé / partner whatever you like, but you'll need to make sure you don't hit any legal pitfalls.

I am in no way ‘judging’ an unmarried mother - just indicating the legal position.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start

Don’t be silly.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Nerve, hit.

Just get married.

Sorry but YWBU to call him your husband before getting legally married.

Have a quick registry office wedding with two random witnesses or just with parents or something. Then have a big reception when his brothers and your other family and friends can all come. Friends of mine had a similar thing - reception much later - and they had a humanist ceremony so it felt like a full wedding and not just an after party (even though they'd done the legal deed a long time beforehand).

There's a difference between not correcting a plumber who calls him your husband and you actually referring to him as your husband. The former is fine and no biggie, but the latter would be kind of weird imo.

I didn't take judgement from the PP's reply, they're just trying to explain to you why your initial response sounded incredibly naive. Call him whatever you like, but marriage is much more than just a piece of paper and there's no such thing as living like you're married when infact you're not. It's just living as a couple, which millions of people do.

Ok when I say it's 'just a piece of paper' I'm well aware of the 'significance of marriage' and the legalities, and I'm not talking about anything legal, I'm talking in general conversation with people. "I'd love to paint the lounge bright pink but I think the husband might have something to say" - it's not that deep.

Its a statement of fact to point out how vulnerable you are as an unmarried mother, not a judgement.

Go to the registration office (there’s no such thing as a registry office) and get legally married, all for about £140. Call him your husband and enjoy the protection that legally solemnising your relationship brings.

When Covid has calmed down, have a blessing/party/whatever with his brothers there.

Ask him why his brothers being there matters more than your and the baby’s security.

It's fine. Quite normal where I am to refer to partners as husbands. Once you are over a certain age, it is a bit weird to refer to him as a Boyfriend, and partner implies same-sex or business, so husband is the best descriptor of the relationship. I say just continue. The tradesmen don't care if it is technically true or not.

If you wondered when the judgement would start then you could have answered your own question.
MN in general seems keen on using words correctly. It's a good ethos.

He’s not your husband so no I would find calling him that weird.

It’s also not just a piece of paper, vows are exchanged and a lifetime commitment made. Currently you are just dating in reality.

If someone referred to “their husband” and I knew they weren’t married then I’d think they were really weird. I hate that sort of lying. But if the person you’re talking to knew if you were married or not then you would probably be using his name anyway. However, if a shopkeeper asked if you had a husband at home to help with the snickers you were buying and you said yes, I don’t think it would be a big deal.

Agree with @Justmuddlingalong. Not correcting others is fine. Calling him DH when he is actually DP is a bit bonkers.

This isnnt about judging unmarried mothers but you really need to understand the legal significance of NOT being married.
It isn’t just a piece of paper. In lots of circumstances it is very important protection for a woman whose career will take a huge hit by bearing a child & child rearing.

This doesn’t apply to all. But if it applies to you take care.

If you want to get married my advice would be registrar office pronto. Party later.

For trades people and shop staff it's fine if they presume that he is your husband and you don't correct them for the sake of ease, they don't need to know that you are in a super loved up long term relationship with children and covid ruined your plans and he has brothers who live abroad who couldn't make it in the brief window of only light restrictions at the wedding- they don't care.

But if he drops dead you can't say all of the above and magic your way out of an intestate inheritance - for example.