To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

You start calling him husband, and are already living like a married couple, and already have a child, so he might keep finding excuses not to get married. Because what’s the point at this stage?

So, things to ask yourself might include, who is the main earner? Who has the most earning potential?

Sorry but yabu. If you want to call him your husband get married.

Why does fiancé give you “the ick” but not ‘THE husband’?

@ReeseWitherfork

If someone referred to “their husband” and I knew they weren’t married then I’d think they were really weird. I hate that sort of lying. But if the person you’re talking to knew if you were married or not then you would probably be using his name anyway. However, if a shopkeeper asked if you had a husband at home to help with the snickers you were buying and you said yes, I don’t think it would be a big deal.

Yes, the latter is more what I'm talking about. I think I worded my post wrongly. I wouldn't lie to people I know to make them think I'm married, I do get that would be weird.

I tend to call my husband my “other half”.

(Which I’m sure is open to A LOT of criticism. He’s the other half of my relationship, if that’s a defence.)

I guess if you don't like "partner" or "fiancé" you could call him "other half", I hate the phrase but a lot of people use it to refer to their spouse or unmarried partner. Just don't say "significant other" which is terrible

@ReeseWitherfork

I tend to call my husband my “other half”.

(Which I’m sure is open to A LOT of criticism. He’s the other half of my relationship, if that’s a defence.)

Unfortunate cross post!

YABU. Save referring to him as your husband until you are actually married. Don't refer to him as your partner or boyfriend if you don't like those terms. Refer to him as your fiance.

Well, he’s not your husband yet. I had a friend that did this but a year later they broke up. They didn’t get a divorce, they weren’t married.

I think it's okay to not correct people who you're only having a passing interaction with. Anyone who you're likely to see again, built a friendship with etc I wouldn't as pp said it would be slightly awkward if they found out you weren't married.
I also agree with pp about legally getting married when lockdown lifts and then having a bigger celebration later. I was probably quite naive when I got married (young) but the legality aspect hit when signing the register and our current status recorded as 'single', ie. in the eyes of the law our relationship was nothing.

If you introduced me to your husband or talked about your husband and I then found out he wasn't actually your husband, I'd think you were really odd.

I'd probably assume you were one of those women who were desperate to be married to a man who desperately didn't want to be married to you.

Do you rent or own your home? Does he own? Do either of you have assets (or future inheritance)? You've damaged your earning capacity by having his baby so you need to be very careful about whether being married is in your (and therefore your child's) best interest. Marriage is a financial contract - used correctly it can provide protection to a woman, used badly it can be used to shackle her to an abuser. Approach it coolly, with an analytical mind.

I've been with DP 10 years, engaged for 3. He's not my husband, he's my partner. Husband = legally married. I don't really see the point in lying over the use of a word.

we had a civil partnership during covid19 - two witnesses - meal afterwards - nice and simple! - I can now call my other half "husband" after 25 years! ha ha

Sorry, I missed where you said calling him fiance gives you the ick. Another vote for other half. What does he refer to you as?

All the people I know who have done this have ended up never getting married....

I’ve been married before, so when I met the second Mr Livid I knew I wanted to be married to him and that the wedding itself was largely an irrelevance to this.

We were engaged within four months and married nine weeks after that.

Just as married now as if we’d spent several years planning hog roasts and favours.

If you want to be married, jfdi. If you don’t, crack on as you are.

Theres lots of other options to boyfriend, spouse, other half, better half, consort, lover, pick one of those until he actually is your husband

Well, he isn't your husband, so I would find it a bit weird if you called him that, but ultimately, as long as he doesn't object, I guess it's your choice.

You do what you like

I do think it’s a bit weird to call your fiancé your husband and I’d probably be quite confused by it if I didn’t know you well.

In a nice way, I think you are projecting your own views on unmarried mothers by being so sensitive to what read as a factual comment about marriage not just being a piece of paper. How are things financially between you and who does the childcare or has compromised their career/finances for a child? If it’s you, then marriage is a protection for you and your future. It’s important.

I'm in Scotland. Here we have "bidie ins."

I know someone who does this. He even wears a wedding band. I find it odd, either get married or it's your fiancé.

I say this but I really don't think it's a big deal.

Of course yabu for the simple fact he isn't your husband!! Marriage is so so much more than a piece of paper..

It's odd when he's not your husband,