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Original poster

To call him my husband?

517 replies

WingingItMumma · 13/11/2020 20:15

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

OP posts:
amyacq84 · 13/11/2020 20:54

My husband referred to me as 'wifey' in front of his friends or whoever long before we were even engaged, let alone married. In his culture as soon as you are in a serious relationship destined for marriage and especially once engaged to be married they refer to each other as husband and wife, as it is assumed you are marrying at some point so it's more or less a done deal.

I don't think it's a big deal, you do you.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/11/2020 20:54

It’s a bit like saying you have a degree because you did all the work but didn’t submit your thesis so didn’t actually graduate. It’s just a piece of paper but...

sassbott · 13/11/2020 20:54

No. It’s weird. And it tells me you’re desperate to be married and call him that.
In which case, have a firm chat with him. Tell him how important this is. Have a quiet (secret) service for the two of you. And a big repeat of vows/ knees up when it’s finally allowed.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/11/2020 20:54

But he's not your husband. By your logic, I could call myself Dr. Shady, it's just piece of paper, right?

fairynick · 13/11/2020 20:55

I don’t understand all the posters trying to gatekeep marriage.
If I was living as married, and had no plans to fork out on a wedding, then I probably would refer to my other half as my husband or partner or whatever.
If I did have plans to get married I probably wouldn’t when meeting new people because if you then got married later it would seem odd, but not correcting people in a shop etc is completely normal OP.

Jgb12 · 13/11/2020 20:55

I often wonder the same. Been with my partner for 8 years, 2 kids, live together etc. We haven’t managed to get married yet we act like a married couple. I sometimes refer to him as husband in formal situations but I mainly use partner or other half! We are too old to us boyfriend and girlfriend too 🤣

Partner said his mum did. Sure she changed her name to her late husbands name when they had kids and called him husband before they did get married!

MiddleClassProblem · 13/11/2020 20:55

Although, I don’t see a problem if it’s just you to strangers. Just a bit weird.

AnotherEmma · 13/11/2020 20:56

[quote Ekdkso999]@AnotherEmma You're right, they're essentially the same. We chose this route because felt more like us than a marriage. But the title Husband to me is a married title. I just worry about sounding like a wanker if I correct anyone and say "He's actually my Civil Partner" Grin[/quote]
Grin
Yes I wouldn't correct people either because they are effectively the same thing even though they are technically different.
Husband and wife are more concise than civil partner too. But I guess depending on the context of the conversation it might be relevant/interesting to specify (I'd be intrigued and politely ask why you chose civil partnership over marriage).

LindaEllen · 13/11/2020 20:57

It's not about judging unmarried mothers, it's the fact that you and your child are much more secure if you have that simple piece of paper should anything go wrong and you end up separating.

Definitely get it done, and have a renewal and reception when you can get everyone together :).

tooto · 13/11/2020 20:57

Pretty bizarre socially to actively call him that as you're not married. Fine to not correct others that refer to him as husband or vice versa.

Partner, other half, or baby daddy? 😆

Original poster
WingingItMumma · 13/11/2020 20:59

A lot of people seem upset by the 'just a piece of paper' comment. I understand fully that it's more than a piece of paper from a legal and financial side, and whilst I'm a bit sad that everyone just assumes I earn less than him and that I wouldn't cope on my own (but I have a young dc so I get it), I want to marry him for the commitment. Our daily life wouldn't change. Financially, I'd be no better off when married, nor would he if things ever went south between us or one of us died. So aside from the legal and financial side, and I've already said I want to make the formal commitment, but we could be together as we are with no marriage and be committed to each other. What else would change?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 20:59

Op, look you need to talk to him

I think this is telling many people you are desperate to be married and he’s not playing ball. Lying about it isn’t going to change that, and you will still know you’re faking it, what’s next. Buying a wedding ring and wearing it?

You need to resolve this with him, because pretending you’re married because you want it so bad, is just not the way to go.

BrummyMum1 · 13/11/2020 21:00

What’s wrong with partner or fiancé? Pretty confusing to all those you have to organise a wedding with (like registrar etc) to already be calling him your husband.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 21:00

What else would change

Well you could actually call him your husband without being weird?

foxyroxyyy · 13/11/2020 21:01

I feel like you're going to start referring to him as your husband anyway... I also suspect you'll be one of those people who end up engaged for 20 odd years because you think it doesn't matter.

If you want to call him your husband hurry and get married.

Congrats on your baby, I also had my first child (after mc) just before lockdown.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2020 21:01

Getting married is obviously very important to you OP, you've made that very clear.

So I'd be very disappointed that your fiancé refused to 'pop to the registry office' when it was safe to do so, without his brothers being there.

Just get married and he can celebrate with his brothers another time.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 21:02

@foxyroxyyy

I feel like you're going to start referring to him as your husband anyway... I also suspect you'll be one of those people who end up engaged for 20 odd years because you think it doesn't matter.

If you want to call him your husband hurry and get married.

Congrats on your baby, I also had my first child (after mc) just before lockdown.

I do agree I think the op wants to start letting people think the are married, I also agree it’s likely it doesn’t happen, no one wants to do this when it’s on the horizon, but I don’t agree it doesn’t matter to her.

I think it matters to her very much.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/11/2020 21:03

I wouldn't bother correcting tradespeople or casual acquaintances if they use the term. But for you to actively use the term is a completely different thing. It is misleading, and makes it sound as if you wish you were married and want people to believe that you are.

I'm no particular advocate of marriage, but since you're getting married anyway, just go to the registry office when you can and get it done. Don't wait for family to be able to fly etc etc , just tie the knot and then he will be your husband.

foxyroxyyy · 13/11/2020 21:03

Also I was with DH 11 years before we got married... living together for a decade. Things still changed after we got married. It just does. I didn't think it would much but somehow it is just different!!

Possums4evr · 13/11/2020 21:03

Congratulations on your baby OP.
I think the brothers really need to sit this one out. What happens if you talk to him about getting married sooner? I was happy not to be married when I had dc1. I was financially independent etc. Years of part time work later - not so much. Luckily he was keen to get married. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have had much leverage by that point!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/11/2020 21:03

Use other half, or boyf (please no) if you want a quick reference that isn't the ghastly 'partner'. Don't use husband, because it's a lie.

terribledinosaur · 13/11/2020 21:04

I can't quite see why you would lie. Sounds like you want to be married but aren't for whatever reason. I'd just think it sad that you're so desperate to be married you even call your fiancé your dh. Married means married and nothing else? And of course you don't have to be married. It is better if you're not the breadwinner though and tbh I think it's better all round being married when you have dc.
So what I'm trying to say is get married, especially if it's 'just a piece of paper'. It's super cheap if that's all you think of it.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/11/2020 21:06

@YoniAndGuy

It's just a bit silly.

He isn't your husband.

And it's really, really, REALLY not just a piece of paper.

So..... if I were you, I would very much not lull yourself into some kind of sense of security by starting to call him 'husband' when he is not, and when you are as vulnerable as any other woman who has a child with a man she isn't married to.

Get the piece of paper. ASAP.

^This. If he gets ill, his family has decision making power. If he dies without a will, most will go to his family, perhaps some to the child. Any property that is in his name is his only. If he leaves you, you have no recourse. You aren't a romantic girl living with her lover - you are a mother of a child. Take responsibility, for the sake of your son.
Original poster
WingingItMumma · 13/11/2020 21:06

@WorraLiberty

Getting married is obviously very important to you OP, you've made that very clear.

So I'd be very disappointed that your fiancé refused to 'pop to the registry office' when it was safe to do so, without his brothers being there.

Just get married and he can celebrate with his brothers another time.

It is, and to be fair to him, the last we spoke about the wedding it was early pandemic when everyone was under the impression COVID would probably be gone in a couple of months so I didn't mind waiting. I'm going to have a chat with him and see what he says. I'd be surprised if he disagreed, given the circumstances.
OP posts:
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