To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

No not socially acceptable I'm afraid. We're in a similar position 16 years together 2 DC he's not my husband yet but soon will.

Relationship wise, married or not doesn’t make a difference.

Legally, living together or been married is world apart.

So... the answer to your question is.... it depends on the context.

It’s also nice to have that little change of title after marriage. We’re very recently married and I’m still a bit like ‘oh I have a husband’ - you don’t get that if you do what you want to do. It’s stupid and inconsequential I know but nice :)

@Changethetoner

It's fine. Quite normal where I am to refer to partners as husbands. Once you are over a certain age, it is a bit weird to refer to him as a Boyfriend, and partner implies same-sex or business, so husband is the best descriptor of the relationship. I say just continue. The tradesmen don't care if it is technically true or not.

Agree with this. It's not a big deal.

What is a big deal is that you sort out legal protection for you and your child asap, whether this be marriage, or - if you want to wait = then some other form of paperwork.

Yep, it's a bit like that here at the moment.
I actually eouldnt find it strange at all for you to say husband. I've got several friends and relatives who say husband and have been together years. If you feel married I guess the term husband just explains how you feel.

@WingingItMumma I can understand your feelings. However, I would maintain that - regardless of what you and your partner call one another - you need to get married asap. I'm older than you and my DC are grown up, and my own and others' experience tells me it's the best way to do it.

That said, I'd probably have shrugged and ignored anyone who told me this, because I knew for a fact that my relationship would last (it didn't). XH was a dick, but at least he was right about saying we should get married though he regrets it now

So I'd be very disappointed that your fiancé refused to 'pop to the registry office' when it was safe to do so, without his brothers being there.

TBH it sounds like he is making excuses. If he wanted to be married as much as you do he would just crack on and do ,brothers or no brothers being there.

@Feedingthebirds1

Well you'd best all shoot me then.

DP and I have been together for nearly 40 years. If it's somebody in a shop or a plumber or something, I refer to him as my husband. My parents call him their son in law when introducing him to their friends. Because after 40 years, although no we're not married, husband conveys the nature of our relationship better than other half, or partner, or whatever. But as I say, we aren't married, so shoot me now.

And d'you know what? If somebody refers to me as Mrs [MrFeedingthebirds] I answer. And if someone who knows me calls him Mr Feedingthebirds, he answers too. Stuff the legalities.

Do you have children? My brother has been with his partner for 30 years, and they are very happy as they are. They are not married, but have no children. This makes a difference. No idea what they call one another, though!

In what way are unmarried mothers vulnerable?

Few examples given in the thread prior to your comment

He's yr partner. There's a difference. I know it sounds wanky op but the thing that blind sided me when DH and I got married was the sheer spirituality of the vows and the blessing of the rings before God.

Meant so much more than a piece of paper and I can't begin to explain it but it absolutely crystalised the difference between a wedding and marriage. The piece of paper was entirely incidental.

PS ^^ We never got married on the 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' principle. But the important part of a wedding, according to religion, isn't the congregation, or the vicar, or the church, or even God. It's the vows. The promises you make to each other. And trust me, in 40 years we've been through the lot. Richer and poorer. Sickness and health. All my worldly goods (all our accounts are joint). Better and worse.

We just use partner. But if someone says husband or wife to us, sometimes we’ll point out we’re not married, other times we just can’t be bothered. It’s not important in the vast majority of situations that it comes up in. Been together over 20 years and never intended to get married. Some people get very protective of marriage as in ‘you can’t possibly call him husband if you’re not married’ as this thread shows. I’ve definitely met people who have seemed to feel superior to me cos I’m not married. We’re happy though and it works for us. Do what you want in every day situations.

He's not your husband.
It sounds as though you want to call him your husband.
Surely you'd be lying to people if you said that he is your husband.
Get married.
It's like people who have had half a dozen dates and start referring to their partner.

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

Oh heavens let’s not get carried away here. If someone you don’t really know, like a shop assistant, electrician or the window cleaner refers to this man as your husband then there is no need to correct them - you know who they are talking about!

Just refer to home as your partner or other half. He’s not your husband so it would be weird for you to use the word, but you don’t have to start exposing your marital status to random people😊.

Explaining not exposing😂

And in this day and age no one should care

@Choccylips

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

He’s really not.

I called my ex my husband. We were together 19 years, we had 4 kids together. We were married as far as we were concerned. I don’t really care what other people think though.

Being treated as next of kin is important to most of us. You can't be sure you will get that status unless you are married. In the UK, NHS staff would probably treat a long-term partner, especially if you have children together, as next of kin, so you would probably get the final say on huge decisions like 'should the life support be switched off?' . However, that wouldn't necessarily apply in other parts of the world. You might find that your partner's family are asked to make decisions, and even in the UK they could take over the funeral arrangements.

Not many people are liable for inheritance tax, but for those who are there are huge tax benefits in being married.

For an illustration of the problems that can arise without that piece of paper: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4074852-DSS-wants-DPs-abusive-ex-at-the-funeral

@RayOfSunshine2013 - In what way are unmarried mothers vulnerable?

Er, because if OP's partner dies or leaves her, she won't be owed anything legally... she could lose her home if her partner owns it, he's not obligated to support her, she won't inherit his estate. She is financially vulnerable.

I’d use partner. Mostly because we got married in August and it’s been lovely to have the little change and start calling him my husband! And nobody else cares. It doesn’t validate your relationship for anyone else.

I’d keep it for after the wedding so that you get the bubbly feeling. It’s wonderful and I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can!

Congratulations on your baby

@Choccylips

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

Nope, the law hasn't changed since you last said that.

This is the norm in many countries and perfectly acceptable. When living together was still not frowned upon it was very common as well as the word partner implied a business partner in those days.

@Choccylips

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

There is absolutely no such thing as a Common Law husband.